Osakis

I was talking with colleagues in my office about my brother's continuing problems (he's about to enter an in-patient treatment center, at his own instigation; I pray that it helps him). Every single person in my office related their own story of a troubled family member -- the brother who's homeless and has been an alcoholic since he was 13; the sister who has attempted or threatened suicide so many times that the family has lost count; the father who was carted off to rehab against his will after years and years of constant drinking.

I have to wonder why there are so many people in this world who, for whatever reason, just can't seem to "hack it" -- who lack the basic tools that most people have to cope with life's ups and downs. If alcohol and other drugs didn't exist, would these souls still struggle as they do? Would they find other ways of escaping their unhappy lives?

Kgm

Magichappens

Actually, I don't think that we have the tools to cope either. We just don't cope by drinking. We cope by controling, manipulating and trying to fix other people's lives. If that is what you are considering coping skills, I don't. I had to learn that I was responsible to recover from my own dysfunction, and the alcoholic is responsible for their recovery. I had to learn to stop meddling. If they choose to continue their dysfunction, that is their choice. They may need to struggle to learn, and I shouldn't prevent that. The only one I can make happy joyous and free today is me. I can learn and pass that learning on to others who want help. I can break the cycle today. Hugs, Magic

Zoey

kgm.. alcohol is the greatest medicine there is. don't we all have days we need a drink, as people hurt our feelings, or we embares ourselves, or someone doesn't love us or whatever. More females have a gal friend they can cry on her shoulder. some few females can't or won't talk to anyone, So those with the gene's that allows alcoholism are at high risk. They take a drink to relax or take away a fear, or a pain in there toe. Then the drink calls for more drink. after about the 3rd drink we go into "alcoholic insanity" just as a Rx drug can turn and cause the very thing it was prescribed for, the alcohol can start causing problems, but we never realize this. by this time alcohol is our greatest cure all. This is what i see. just my opinion.
clancy46

Lorelai

I'm with Magic. I don't think of it in a "them" and "me" way anymore. We all have problems and we either deal with them in healthy or unhealthy ways. The way I was dealing with things was just as unhealthy as an addict - just not so outwardly apparent.
L

angelar

My first meeting I attended was the biggest eye-opener for me. I thought I was going in to fix him, I was shocked to find that the problem was mine. Thank God for that.
I now see that everyone has a struggle of some kind and I no longer try to rate them as bigger or less. It is all relative.
-Angela

Osakis

I am the first to concede that I have my own problems. But these do not prevent me from holding a job, making responsible decisions, keeping my finances in order, and not causing unbearable anguish to myself and people who love me.

Sometimes I struggle with this notion of "co-dependency." I acknowledge that I can't fix or even help my brother. But I maintain that loving my brother, grieving for his pain, and wanting to alleviate his problems is an innate human quality, not a disease or "dysfunction." It might be futile and it might cause me even more pain because of its futility, but it seems to me that it is a normal response, rather than the sickness that people here and elsewhere tell me it is.

Lorelai

Some people who are dealing with alcoholics:
- lose their jobs (they want to stay home to help their A's stay out of trouble)
- make irresponsible decisions (allow their children to grow up in households filled with abuse, allow themselves to be abused)
- have disordered finances (their A's get DUI's, wreck cars, spend their money on drugs and alcohol, don't have jobs, etc)
- cause unbearable anguish to themselves (constantly beat themselves up over the decisions they are making but are unable to break away from their A)
- cause unbearable anguish to people who love them (Their children are in the middle of this storm and feel just as helpless and hopeless as they do. Their parents and friends can't understand why they don't just get away from them.)

Loving your brother, grieving for his pain and wanting to alleviate his problems are all normal human qualities. If that is what you are doing and you don't feel like your life is at all out of control because of this, that's great.

I love my husband, grieve for his pain and want to alleviate his problems. Before I got the program, his pain and problems became my pain and problems. My life was just as screwed up and crazy as his. I was bound and determined to fix him or, at least, help him. Helping him was the worst thing I could do. He has sucked all the life out of himself and was now sucking all the life out of me. I had to cut off his supply so that he could realize that is was his responsibility and his choices.

Maybe your situation is different. I'm sure that it could be. For me and many others on this board, I was losing myself in an effort to save him and couldn't figure out how to stop. A disease is defined as "an unhealthy state". Going by that defination, I surely had a disease.
L

Magichappens

Helping and being supportive of someone who is trying to better their life is one thing. Enabling them to escape the responsibility and consequences of their actions is another. I was doing the wrong thing for the right reason. I cared. I didn't want someone I loved to hurt or suffer. But to protect them from this was to prevent them from learning.
Like Lorelai said, your case may be different. Everyone has a different path they must take in dealing with life's challenges. All I can share is my experience. It has been successful for me. There is a saying in Al-Anon: Take what you like and leave the rest. When someone is struggling with an addicted loved one, and reaches out, I share what worked for me. The people who used to say "Poor Magic. Doesn't she have a lot to bare?" never helped me. It was only when I sought my own recovery did I find peace and wholeness. I am sorry that your brother is having a hard time, and that you are in pain. I hope that you find some relief. Hugs, Magic

Zoey

OSAKIS... I too hate labels. I cannot say anyone is alcoholic, that is for them to say. (It is fine on these boards to put AH, ASO, etc. we NEED to say why we are here.) I wish the Al-Anon book would not say the sick alcoholic. But I can't come up with a better way to say it. Just I know what you are saying. I can relate to Disease, as I have much DIS EASE. uneasy about lots of things, but not sick.
I am not supposed to pick apart our programs, we are here to get better. So I remember "take what you can use and leave the rest. Best Always clancy46