Girlfriend leaving rehab in a few days
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by gf72 
Thank you, Recovering2. Your words help me more than you know. Or maybe you DO know!
Seriously though, I appreciate you sharing your experience.
My girlfriend started with AA meetings, then went to outpatient rehab as well. I thought she was doing well with all of that but of course I was wrong. The good thing is that she alone made the decision to attend these programs and even this most recent 30 day inpatient exercise. She is motivated which is a positive.
Seriously though, I appreciate you sharing your experience.
My girlfriend started with AA meetings, then went to outpatient rehab as well. I thought she was doing well with all of that but of course I was wrong. The good thing is that she alone made the decision to attend these programs and even this most recent 30 day inpatient exercise. She is motivated which is a positive.
I also did not realise how much his addiction affected me, by his behaviours, even though I was unaware of it, if that makes sense?
I wish you all the best with it. It sounds like a very important relationship to you and I can hear the disappointment in your posts that it's not turned out to be an ideal situation if addiction is involved. It's never easy.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I read your post a few days ago and have hesitated to respond for many reasons. That said I keep going back to your post and wanted to respond with my thoughts coming from the “other side” of the fence. In the interest of full disclosure I am Schnappi’s AW who responded with his thoughts and we both read this forum almost daily. I am coming up on five months sober in a few days and I went through an IOP program (intensive outpatient) just for context.
Two things you said jumped out at me that I wanted to respond to:
“I am hoping for the best. It is difficult to read some of these posts about loved ones relapsing over and over again. It's almost like it's inevitable. There must be some success stories out there.”
I do understand this. Relapse rates are incredibly high and it is scary even to me. I too have wondered many times about the seeming inevitability and it’s frightening. That said I have to remember that I am not everyone else. I may relapse and I may not but it is NOT inevitable. I have over the years gone through a couple of crisis and used internet forums for support. They are useful but I found in the long run in other forums that most often people that post are in the throws of a crisis or still recovering from hard times. The long time success stories may occasionally post but probably aren’t on this forum every day (though I could be wrong).
Tangent warning.. A non alcohol related example I’ve have to remind myself of is cancer. I was diagnosed with an early stage of cancer a year and half ago and am part of a forum for that. I found myself terrified that I was going to die, that a recurrence was inevitable. Then a year passed and no recurrence. Then I had a scary moment where they thought it had spread to the lungs over the winter and it turned out to be benign. I shamefully have to admit I’m posting far less there right now yet I am in many ways one of those success stories. I apologize for going off on a tangent here but just wanted to let you know that while I’m still struggling with the seemingly inevitableness of relapse there are success stories out there, many many and I have to remember those in my moments of fear and keep reminding myself of that, may be helpful for you as well.
A second point you mentioned I wanted to respond to is this:
“I do get the idea that her sobriety will always come first: before her children, her parents, me. I also see why the sober spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends struggle sometimes with the fact that their needs may have to be put on the back-burner. But will these needs always be secondary to the user?”
This is a tough question with many facets to it. I “think” I understand where you’re coming from but may not fully understand. The time commitment of early days of sobriety is admittedly great and that does take away from time spent with you. I was spending nine hours a week in my program plus therapy and the sheer number of hours in those programs plus many people add on AA meetings which adds even more hours away from the home. I cannot tell a lie-you will be on the backburner when she isn’t physically present. Also part of these programs involves a lot of self introspection. When you spend many hours on self introspection and then you come home that doesn’t immediately go away, your still into self introspection mode so in a sense you’re still emotionally consumed with yourself. I’m quite sure this is very difficult for the partner, I know it was for hubbie, but it is what it is, tough stuff.
"Will you ALWAYS be in the backburner?"
I guess this is where I would say it depends. From where I sit recovery is a chance to re-examine needs and expectations from the relationship. If your expectation is that she will come home and all of the problems that predated the addiction will magically go away then you’re going to be disappointed. I’d like to think, though I may be completely wrong, that I am actually MORE present than I was while drinking. I am not falling asleep early because I’m passed out. I “think” I’m a more involved parent. I also “think” that I am able to focus on spending more quality time with hubbie now that I’m not under the cloud of booze. If these were issues for you then you will not be on the backburner. If they aren’t though you may find yourself frustrated. In my case it seemed to me like hubbie figured if I stopped drinking than all of our problems would magically go away-they did not. It’s taken time to accept that and frankly things got worse in our marriage before they got better. On the upside removing booze has forced us to get real with our relationship, truly communicate, sometimes very very hard. At this point I’m optimistic. I faced a MAJOR test to my sobriety recently and survived with no relapse. That said I think our marriage has the potential to be far better than it ever has been. I hope you find the same.
Again I do apologize for my lengthy tangents. Best of luck to you and yours. I will be crossing my fingers that you will be showing up in one of the success story forums:-)
Two things you said jumped out at me that I wanted to respond to:
“I am hoping for the best. It is difficult to read some of these posts about loved ones relapsing over and over again. It's almost like it's inevitable. There must be some success stories out there.”
I do understand this. Relapse rates are incredibly high and it is scary even to me. I too have wondered many times about the seeming inevitability and it’s frightening. That said I have to remember that I am not everyone else. I may relapse and I may not but it is NOT inevitable. I have over the years gone through a couple of crisis and used internet forums for support. They are useful but I found in the long run in other forums that most often people that post are in the throws of a crisis or still recovering from hard times. The long time success stories may occasionally post but probably aren’t on this forum every day (though I could be wrong).
Tangent warning.. A non alcohol related example I’ve have to remind myself of is cancer. I was diagnosed with an early stage of cancer a year and half ago and am part of a forum for that. I found myself terrified that I was going to die, that a recurrence was inevitable. Then a year passed and no recurrence. Then I had a scary moment where they thought it had spread to the lungs over the winter and it turned out to be benign. I shamefully have to admit I’m posting far less there right now yet I am in many ways one of those success stories. I apologize for going off on a tangent here but just wanted to let you know that while I’m still struggling with the seemingly inevitableness of relapse there are success stories out there, many many and I have to remember those in my moments of fear and keep reminding myself of that, may be helpful for you as well.
A second point you mentioned I wanted to respond to is this:
“I do get the idea that her sobriety will always come first: before her children, her parents, me. I also see why the sober spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends struggle sometimes with the fact that their needs may have to be put on the back-burner. But will these needs always be secondary to the user?”
This is a tough question with many facets to it. I “think” I understand where you’re coming from but may not fully understand. The time commitment of early days of sobriety is admittedly great and that does take away from time spent with you. I was spending nine hours a week in my program plus therapy and the sheer number of hours in those programs plus many people add on AA meetings which adds even more hours away from the home. I cannot tell a lie-you will be on the backburner when she isn’t physically present. Also part of these programs involves a lot of self introspection. When you spend many hours on self introspection and then you come home that doesn’t immediately go away, your still into self introspection mode so in a sense you’re still emotionally consumed with yourself. I’m quite sure this is very difficult for the partner, I know it was for hubbie, but it is what it is, tough stuff.
"Will you ALWAYS be in the backburner?"
I guess this is where I would say it depends. From where I sit recovery is a chance to re-examine needs and expectations from the relationship. If your expectation is that she will come home and all of the problems that predated the addiction will magically go away then you’re going to be disappointed. I’d like to think, though I may be completely wrong, that I am actually MORE present than I was while drinking. I am not falling asleep early because I’m passed out. I “think” I’m a more involved parent. I also “think” that I am able to focus on spending more quality time with hubbie now that I’m not under the cloud of booze. If these were issues for you then you will not be on the backburner. If they aren’t though you may find yourself frustrated. In my case it seemed to me like hubbie figured if I stopped drinking than all of our problems would magically go away-they did not. It’s taken time to accept that and frankly things got worse in our marriage before they got better. On the upside removing booze has forced us to get real with our relationship, truly communicate, sometimes very very hard. At this point I’m optimistic. I faced a MAJOR test to my sobriety recently and survived with no relapse. That said I think our marriage has the potential to be far better than it ever has been. I hope you find the same.
Again I do apologize for my lengthy tangents. Best of luck to you and yours. I will be crossing my fingers that you will be showing up in one of the success story forums:-)
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 12
Thank you cookiesncream.
I guess some of what I meant about the 'back burner' comment I made can be used in this example:
My girlfriend and I along with her kids have travelled before and had a lot of fun. My girlfriend and I have travelled just the two of us (thanks to her parents watching the kids for a few days!) and have enjoyed ourselves. Before she went to rehab we talked about planning a few trips and both of these were far away and expensive--quite the commitment which I was seriously contemplating. Now, I am not ready to even think about making such a commitment to put out all that money for these vacations with her just coming home yesterday and me beginning my quest for healing and self-discovery. And that sucks because I want to NOT have to wonder if I should do fun things like plan vacations, etc and I have my guard up a bit right now. Her addiction has made me wary of planning for the future and you can change the word 'planning' to normal situational thinking if you want. It is definitely a one day at a time approach and probably gorgeous both of us.
I am worried when, and it's coming in the near future, when she mentions that 'airfares are coming down right now to fly to.....' and I tell her that I don't feel comfortable making a big decision like that right now. And he'll, when will I? A year from now? I guess if I do I should buy trip insurance, lol!
I went to an Al-Anon meeting today. Believe it or not, it was harder to go today than when I was reeling from pain a few weeks ago. I didn't feel like I wanted to cry today and felt very calm. Was I feeling a false sense of calm because my GF is sober today, feeling and looking healthy and a joy to be around right now? I guess you don't always have to be in great pain and hurt to go to a meeting and I realize that. It was just an internal observation.
I guess some of what I meant about the 'back burner' comment I made can be used in this example:
My girlfriend and I along with her kids have travelled before and had a lot of fun. My girlfriend and I have travelled just the two of us (thanks to her parents watching the kids for a few days!) and have enjoyed ourselves. Before she went to rehab we talked about planning a few trips and both of these were far away and expensive--quite the commitment which I was seriously contemplating. Now, I am not ready to even think about making such a commitment to put out all that money for these vacations with her just coming home yesterday and me beginning my quest for healing and self-discovery. And that sucks because I want to NOT have to wonder if I should do fun things like plan vacations, etc and I have my guard up a bit right now. Her addiction has made me wary of planning for the future and you can change the word 'planning' to normal situational thinking if you want. It is definitely a one day at a time approach and probably gorgeous both of us.
I am worried when, and it's coming in the near future, when she mentions that 'airfares are coming down right now to fly to.....' and I tell her that I don't feel comfortable making a big decision like that right now. And he'll, when will I? A year from now? I guess if I do I should buy trip insurance, lol!
I went to an Al-Anon meeting today. Believe it or not, it was harder to go today than when I was reeling from pain a few weeks ago. I didn't feel like I wanted to cry today and felt very calm. Was I feeling a false sense of calm because my GF is sober today, feeling and looking healthy and a joy to be around right now? I guess you don't always have to be in great pain and hurt to go to a meeting and I realize that. It was just an internal observation.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 7
This is what i.needed
Originally Posted by gf72
Hello, I am new here and have a lot I want to say and ask and appreciate everyone's patience. I am sure many of my thoughts have been mirrored elsewhere in these forums.
My 45 year old girlfriend gets out of rehab (alcohol) in two days, is motivated to work on her sobriety, and yet I admit to feeling, well, uncertainty about a lot of things right now.
I attended a family education program at her rehab and I learned much about my girlfriend and also about myself. It was very tough and emotional but I am glad I was able to attend.
I have been to about ten Al-Anon meetings the past few months with the most recent one a week ago. I plan to keep going once or more a week.
With all this said, I am feeling unsettled about her coming home--her home, that is--I have my own place. I do get the idea that her sobriety will always come first: before her children, her parents, me. I also see why the sober spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends struggle sometimes with the fact that their needs may have to be put on the back-burner. But will these needs always be secondary to the user?
I am scared of what I will have to do to take care of myself should a relapse occur. I know that I will need to leave. I am almost preparing for it although I should be focusing on the present and the positiveness of my girlfriends self-discovery and willingness to accept she has a disease and wants to live a healthy life. The saying, 'Don't borrow trouble' comes to mind because I shouldn't be worried about something that may or may not happen. It's tough though because it is hard to let go of the pain and hurt from the past. I am human and I feel things and have been deeply affected by another's unhealthy behavior.
So, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
I am hoping for the best. It is difficult to read some of these posts about loved ones relapsing over and over again. It's almost like it's inevitable. There must be some success stories out there.
I have learned about relapse in conjunction with addiction but also see it mentioned in recovery. This leads me to think the addict is being led down a path to inevitability. I guess rehab counselors have to explain that relapse may occur and it can't be ignored but it seems like a sort of mixed-message to me.
Just my thoughts and any comments are welcome and appreciated. Thank you for reading this.
My 45 year old girlfriend gets out of rehab (alcohol) in two days, is motivated to work on her sobriety, and yet I admit to feeling, well, uncertainty about a lot of things right now.
I attended a family education program at her rehab and I learned much about my girlfriend and also about myself. It was very tough and emotional but I am glad I was able to attend.
I have been to about ten Al-Anon meetings the past few months with the most recent one a week ago. I plan to keep going once or more a week.
With all this said, I am feeling unsettled about her coming home--her home, that is--I have my own place. I do get the idea that her sobriety will always come first: before her children, her parents, me. I also see why the sober spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends struggle sometimes with the fact that their needs may have to be put on the back-burner. But will these needs always be secondary to the user?
I am scared of what I will have to do to take care of myself should a relapse occur. I know that I will need to leave. I am almost preparing for it although I should be focusing on the present and the positiveness of my girlfriends self-discovery and willingness to accept she has a disease and wants to live a healthy life. The saying, 'Don't borrow trouble' comes to mind because I shouldn't be worried about something that may or may not happen. It's tough though because it is hard to let go of the pain and hurt from the past. I am human and I feel things and have been deeply affected by another's unhealthy behavior.
So, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
I am hoping for the best. It is difficult to read some of these posts about loved ones relapsing over and over again. It's almost like it's inevitable. There must be some success stories out there.
I have learned about relapse in conjunction with addiction but also see it mentioned in recovery. This leads me to think the addict is being led down a path to inevitability. I guess rehab counselors have to explain that relapse may occur and it can't be ignored but it seems like a sort of mixed-message to me.
Just my thoughts and any comments are welcome and appreciated. Thank you for reading this.
I know this post is extremely old, but I came across it due to my fiancé being in rehab right now. I am about to attend the family sessions tomorrow, and I know this post is extremely old, but I came across it due to my fiancé being in rehab right now. I am about to attend the family sessions tomorrow and the next.
I have been having a lot of the same feelings that you were having! She relapsed before we met, but from what I understood she was sober and come to find out well 10 times I find out she has been drinking the whole time. I finally told her to the rehab or I’m gone. She chose rehab. It has been so difficult, 30 days where she is building all these new friendships and new relationships and I feel like I’m just sitting here waiting. Add on that. I am also taking care of her two kids while she is in rehab. So being a single dad when I’ve never been to Dad before is a whole new experience.
I feel like I’m investing so much, and I feel like she has gotten a break from reality for a bit. Even though I know that that’s not the case, and they are extremely busy in rehab, I still can’t shake the feeling that I am still struggling with the pain that she has caused, and she is having a grand old time with these new friends that she’s making. When I talk to her on the phone, she tells me all about this stuff, but very rarely. Do I get to talk about the stuff going on in my life and in my head.
I’m scared, I’m staying with it, but I’m scared. And I’m fearful of the next couple of days and where these conversations will lead. I hope to God that she finally sticks with being sober. But then another part of me says is relaxing available? Can I handle one more time? Can I handle two more times? Can I handle the thought of is she ever going to do this again for the rest of my life?
Mind you I am not a perfect person, and I have my faults so I can’t judge anybody, but how do I shake this god-awful feeling that I am investing so much into something that’s inevitably gonna just fail?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Pennsylvania
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Wow, you're right, this is an old thread but I wanted to write back.
As far as the family sessions, they aren't going to be easy. You'll experience alot of different emotions but attend them all if you can.
My girlfriend, now my wife, relapsed after her rehab stint and it was not a good situation. Not to give you doom and gloom--everyone is different--but I wasn't sure what I was going to do at the time. If you give a person an ultimatum be ready to honor it if you mention it. If it gets so bad that you need to leave--and I hope it doesn't--leave and move on and take care of yourself. I was at that point and my wife new it. I was ready to call the police one night and that would have caused her to possibly lose her kids. Instead, I called her sponsor who helped her and continues to even now.
She's been sober for almost 8 years now and I am happy that she has AA and her support. Initially I felt left behind so to speak but now understand it wasn't about me and I needed to take care of myself and create boundaries.
Most importantly you need to take care of yourself while still supporting your fiancé in getting healthy. Easy for me to say and we all have our breaking points. I do wish you well.
As far as the family sessions, they aren't going to be easy. You'll experience alot of different emotions but attend them all if you can.
My girlfriend, now my wife, relapsed after her rehab stint and it was not a good situation. Not to give you doom and gloom--everyone is different--but I wasn't sure what I was going to do at the time. If you give a person an ultimatum be ready to honor it if you mention it. If it gets so bad that you need to leave--and I hope it doesn't--leave and move on and take care of yourself. I was at that point and my wife new it. I was ready to call the police one night and that would have caused her to possibly lose her kids. Instead, I called her sponsor who helped her and continues to even now.
She's been sober for almost 8 years now and I am happy that she has AA and her support. Initially I felt left behind so to speak but now understand it wasn't about me and I needed to take care of myself and create boundaries.
Most importantly you need to take care of yourself while still supporting your fiancé in getting healthy. Easy for me to say and we all have our breaking points. I do wish you well.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
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Wow! Gf72 I honestly never expected that you would respond. But I am so glad you did.
if I am being honest, I spent the last hour or so thinking about your situation all those years ago. Wondering if you guys made it, or if you didn’t. I really appreciate you giving me insight on what to expect tomorrow. As obviously I am very nervous. Thank you also for sharing your insight on understanding now what you did not then. It really helps me to take a step back and think of it in a different way. Congratulations on making it, and I am so happy to hear that you guys got married.
Do you know going through all the forms and Google searching everything I can about recovery and relapse, I am starting to understand that there may be a possibility that she does. How I will react I honestly don’t know, I’m at an emotional standstill right now and that’s what scares me the most.
I know this is a lot to ask of somebody that you don’t know, but I hope it would be OK if after the next couple of days, I gave you an update on how things went. Maybe not so much for you, but just for me to be able to put something down in writing, maybe it’s one of those things where it’s easier to tell someone you don’t know rather than to burden the people that you do. If that makes any sense at all.
Anyways, thank you so much for your response
if I am being honest, I spent the last hour or so thinking about your situation all those years ago. Wondering if you guys made it, or if you didn’t. I really appreciate you giving me insight on what to expect tomorrow. As obviously I am very nervous. Thank you also for sharing your insight on understanding now what you did not then. It really helps me to take a step back and think of it in a different way. Congratulations on making it, and I am so happy to hear that you guys got married.
Do you know going through all the forms and Google searching everything I can about recovery and relapse, I am starting to understand that there may be a possibility that she does. How I will react I honestly don’t know, I’m at an emotional standstill right now and that’s what scares me the most.
I know this is a lot to ask of somebody that you don’t know, but I hope it would be OK if after the next couple of days, I gave you an update on how things went. Maybe not so much for you, but just for me to be able to put something down in writing, maybe it’s one of those things where it’s easier to tell someone you don’t know rather than to burden the people that you do. If that makes any sense at all.
Anyways, thank you so much for your response
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Yeah, I was surprised that I still had an account here!
Writing to folks here helped me, and as you noted, sometimes anonymity gets you to open up more. Be glad to hear about how you're doing and if you are asked to share your feelings in your sessions do so. You'll be in a safe place and if you can 'let it all out', the good, the bad, you may be surprised how many others are going through similar situations. Good luck with everything.
Writing to folks here helped me, and as you noted, sometimes anonymity gets you to open up more. Be glad to hear about how you're doing and if you are asked to share your feelings in your sessions do so. You'll be in a safe place and if you can 'let it all out', the good, the bad, you may be surprised how many others are going through similar situations. Good luck with everything.
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