gf72

Hello, I am new here and have a lot I want to say and ask and appreciate everyone's patience. I am sure many of my thoughts have been mirrored elsewhere in these forums.

My 45 year old girlfriend gets out of rehab (alcohol) in two days, is motivated to work on her sobriety, and yet I admit to feeling, well, uncertainty about a lot of things right now.

I attended a family education program at her rehab and I learned much about my girlfriend and also about myself. It was very tough and emotional but I am glad I was able to attend.

I have been to about ten Al-Anon meetings the past few months with the most recent one a week ago. I plan to keep going once or more a week.

With all this said, I am feeling unsettled about her coming home--her home, that is--I have my own place. I do get the idea that her sobriety will always come first: before her children, her parents, me. I also see why the sober spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends struggle sometimes with the fact that their needs may have to be put on the back-burner. But will these needs always be secondary to the user?

I am scared of what I will have to do to take care of myself should a relapse occur. I know that I will need to leave. I am almost preparing for it although I should be focusing on the present and the positiveness of my girlfriends self-discovery and willingness to accept she has a disease and wants to live a healthy life. The saying, 'Don't borrow trouble' comes to mind because I shouldn't be worried about something that may or may not happen. It's tough though because it is hard to let go of the pain and hurt from the past. I am human and I feel things and have been deeply affected by another's unhealthy behavior.

So, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.

I am hoping for the best. It is difficult to read some of these posts about loved ones relapsing over and over again. It's almost like it's inevitable. There must be some success stories out there.

I have learned about relapse in conjunction with addiction but also see it mentioned in recovery. This leads me to think the addict is being led down a path to inevitability. I guess rehab counselors have to explain that relapse may occur and it can't be ignored but it seems like a sort of mixed-message to me.

Just my thoughts and any comments are welcome and appreciated. Thank you for reading this.

Hammer

No kids, right? Else you would have said so?

Dunno there is ANYthing you can do magic, perfect, etc.

Good work you on the Family Education Time, etc., and Alanon.

All we heard from the Rehab was "we are sending her back home, we are telling her she is okay. She is NOT okay. She needs to be in Therapy."

THAT was it. The Rehab botched the Psych/Mental Illness issues and she was a mess. Picked her up at the airport and she was wigging out in the front seat, with me driving and all three kids lined up in the back seat watching mom go bonkers all the way home.

Went downhill from there.

Horrid.

BUT, from what I follow, ours was one of the worst. Yours sounds like it should be much better.

General guidelines -- Give her space, she and her sponsor (and therapist?) work on her stuff. You already know about the meetings for you. Good.

Would recommend you get real serious and get a sponsor and do the Steps, yourself. Yunno they are not just words on the wall that are chanted like a sing-a-long. (You know that right? I did not get that for a LONG while. just saying).

gf72

Thanks.

Yes, she has two kids who are going to the children's session at her rehab in a few weeks which I am happy about. Who knows if/how they have been affected.

Yes, I am going to give her space and keep positive.

Really appreciate your thoughts and this forum.

isitme

This is curious to me..
But I'll also state it's something I've never been through on a personal level so it's all just thoughts.


To me the idea of being put on the back-burner is what makes me think a slight change in perspective could help. Why does putting sobriety first mean you'll be expected to just wait around and not get your needs met? She'll have to learn how to balance those feelings and things that people ask for from and of her. And in theory shouldn't you have those same types of boundaries for yourself?

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't think that you putting your needs first, whatever they may be, or her putting her sobriety first necessarily puts anyone on the back burner. In some respects it might show a great amount of care for herself and those friends and family around her. Won't you REALLY be on the back burner if she ends up choosing alcohol over those other things? In time her sobriety will actually give her the clarity to be able to focus on the things in life that really matter to her. Yes I'm sure it will take some time, but nothing great happens over night.

Just something to think about.. hugs to you!

schnappi99

The back-burner needs thing is big with us, I spent a while making a resentment out of it. But I was listening to some AA speaker tapes and got to thinking that recovery is a joint process- neither party can go back to how things were. The alcoholic has the addiction to work with as well as the reasons which brought them there- the partner generally has involvement there too, which they have to learn about. Its not as if the alcoholic gets their head together and starts picking up the slack and things get back on track- it more like a new relationship must be formed- or not.

Physical and emotional intimacy is a big problem with us- she is getting on 4 months sober now, I am working my alanon program as assiduously as I'm capable of (starting my 1st step 4 w/ my sponsor). The "wall" between she and I is still very much in place and the codie traps still abound for me- I remain very tempted to evaluate her program, become a victim- all the usual stuff. But I'm getting a lot less sure of my expectations wrt our relationship.. a lot of my attitudes towards sex and communication seem to have been formed as a teen and not evolved much since. So the name of the game now seems to be "evolve"...

gf72

Ah yes, well put: 'A new relationship must be formed--or not'. Yes, things will definitely be different. I am on board with supporting her and myself yet there is a part of me--and I don't know how to catergorize it--that says, 'Do I really want to go through with this? Do I have the energy to do this? I do not live with my girlfriend. We are not married. Why stick around? Well, I have developed a relationship with her children which has given me alot of personal growth and I am grateful for that. So that's a big part of this, too.

Easy to label me codependent and I admit to have practiced many of those unhealthy traits but I am working on that with the help of Al-Anon.

Greatly appreciate everyone's thoughts and ideas. Thank you.

Croissant

Gf, can I ask how long you've been with your partner for? And is this her first rehab?

biminiblue

The "back burner" comment is interesting to me. Sounds like self-pity. I know because I was very much me-me-me in codependent relationships of my past.

She should place recovery first. It is life and death for her. Your relationship is not life and death for her.

hopeful4

I would hope that by her putting her sobriety first that after the initial shock of it all that your relationship will improve if she is no longer an addict.

I always say, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Keep a separate residence, don't merge any finances, etc.

Glad you are attending Alanon, that's a great thing!

gf72

Been together for over 2 and a half years...it is her first rehab experience.

As far as the earlier self pity comment, we all want to be loved, respected, etc. I am just feeling a lot of different things right now. I have never been through any of this so I am at the beginning.

hopeful4

I am wondering if the rehab gives any support for the family/friends of the addict?

It will be a road of learning, and that is ok. It will be one day at a time for both of you. I had a really hard time grasping that when my XAH came out of rehab. The quicker you realize and accept that, the better off you will be. Also, the people at Alanon will understand what you are going through and be a big support to you.

Good Luck!

gf72

There is after-support for myself and her family. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Croissant

OK...thanks for sharing. The problem has been there though, probably from the beginning? You maybe didn't realise how bad she was, or turned a blind eye?

I don't know how long she thinks she's had a problem, but I hope you see at least whether you stay with her or not, there's probably work for you to do to understand at least how the dynamic affected you/ your responses etc.

It would be nice to think we can leave and our problems end. Not saying you shouldn't, just saying every relationship has it's mending process.

meggem

It is a very unsettling feeling. I had the same feeling. Everyone here told me to take care of myself. Not to try and figure out my supposed recovered soon to be EH. Go to alanon they said. But I wanted so badly for someone to tell me exactly what was going to happen. Some replies hurt to read and some made me hopeful. But I was very unsettled and had no idea what this was going to mean in my life. I wasn't excited that he was coming home, but I wasn't against it. I was curious. I missed him a teeny bit. It was a weird feeling for me. I think my gut was telling me it was over. But I wanted to believe there was hope.

Looking back (he came home in November of this year) the damage had already been done and I was not able to forgive and he hadn't changed that much anyway, although I think he thought he did/is or claimed he was/is "trying" but it was just too late for me. I have learned the hard way that having them come home from rehab is not even a wink of a start (at least for me). The alcohol was removed yes, but the person was the same. I don't know your entire situation or what you have been through but it's a blessing that you live on your own. You can be as involved or uninvolved as you want depending on what is going on with her. If you need space you have it, if she needs time to do her recovery work, she has it. If things are going well you can enjoy it, if things don't go well you have your own place to go home to.

gf72

Meggum, thank you for your thoughts.

I missed my girlfriend initially and a lot up until this week--her last week in rehab. I don't know why I am feeling like this but what you said about the fact that in my gut it could be over, well, that has crossed my mind.

Yes, I am very glad that I live in my own place. It also sucks because at this point in my life I strive to be in a healthy, committed relationship based on mutual respect. I was thinking about moving in with this person and starting a life together. I have always worked hard to cultivate relationships and some worked out and others did not. This one has been the most mature I have ever been in and I am 50 and have dated a lot. I am not one to just throw it all away but I have to say it really sucked when I had no choice but to leave my girlfriend's house when she was drunk. I really don't feel like doing that again and again and believe that I probably won't come back if there is another unhealthy episode. I just don't feel like putting myself through it again. And I understand that is my choice.

I cannot believe how hard it must be for couples who are married and can't just leave sometimes.

Sorry for me rambling a bit here.

Florence

I went through this a few times with my XAH. When he was in rehab, I had a strange mix of missing him and feeling relieved. When he would come home, it was a mix of excitement and dread.

I think us friends and family really hang on to hope even when all signs are pointing in other directions. I like hope, but I prefer "hope with substance," you know, a little something behind it. Maybe it's just time to observe and see where this goes. Stop steering the ship, see whether or not the rudder does what it says it's supposed to do.

gf72

You are right, Florence, and thank you. I just need to take things one day at a time and see how it all plays out.

Recovering2

Your post mirrors a lot of my experience with my RABF. He went through out patient rehab, and relapsed, several times. He then entered in patient rehab, and now has 20 months of recovery. I also attended the family recovery program, and have been involved with AlAnon since he entered the inpatient facility.

Be gentle with yourself early on. It's okay to feel mixed emotions. It's okay to miss her and dread her coming home. I definitely felt that way. Future tripping will make you crazy. The first 6 months or so were HARD. It was new to both of us. He had to stay focused on his recovery, and I had to stay focused on mine. That took work. I had to make sure that I didn't try to work his recovery! If he didn't go to a meeting...not my place to point it out. Yes, I was willing to be put on the back burner to a point....it was worth it to me if he stayed sober. But we also had to learn new ways to talk to each other and communicate our needs. There were lots of times were there was hurt, but we kept pushing forward.

We are still a work in progress, but we are in a really good place 20 months into recovery. Life is very different than it was, but it's better. Will he relapse? Maybe. It will always be a possibility, and he knows I have survived his last relapse. I have to stay in today, and be grateful for today.

Stay with AlAnon, work your own program of recovery. Be honest about your feelings, and let yourself have those feelings. Remember....Progress not Perfection. I hope your girlfriend is successful, but know that you can be fine despite her decisions.

gf72

Thank you, Recovering2. Your words help me more than you know. Or maybe you DO know!

Seriously though, I appreciate you sharing your experience.

My girlfriend started with AA meetings, then went to outpatient rehab as well. I thought she was doing well with all of that but of course I was wrong. The good thing is that she alone made the decision to attend these programs and even this most recent 30 day inpatient exercise. She is motivated which is a positive.

Recovering2

That IS a positive. It only works if they want it. Sounds like she wants it.