orca

Hi everyone, it's been a while since my first post. I'm back and very grateful to be here.

Basically I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.
And I can barely keep track of what is going on in my life when talking to anyone. I'm blank, inundated, tongue-tied.

Last month, my boyfriend spun out of control more than ever before and it began before we broke up. He was acting like an uncaring jerk, telling me essentially that he didn’t want me, (needless to say) gave zero effort to me or the relationship and I realized I’d FINALLY had enough.

I took a weekend trip by myself and then went to stay at my mom’s house for 3 weeks to be around my family and friends. I didn’t talk to him at all for a solid 2.5 weeks, then spoke to him every so often — Responding about half of time he reached out. It was REALLY hard. All of it is, of course. I was treating our relationship like a death… Which I’m sure anyone here can relate to. It helped for a little while and felt accurate because the man I fell in love with was gone. He’d been replaced by a complete ******* I never would have given the time of day. Which is completely gut-wrenching in itself. I felt like such a sucker though, caving and talking to him. Dead people don’t call or send text messages.

I came back to my apartment and just being in the city again felt like my world had clouded over. I felt lonely, tired, weak… Scared. I missed him. When we did talk, he was so remorseful, apologetic and missed me so, so much. But I was resolved that there was no chance of a relationship as long as he was drinking and not getting treatment.. Which he was very clearly not ready to do.

By that point, it had been over a month since we’d seen each other. One night almost 3 weeks ago, I received a call from his 11 year old daughter. It was midnight. She had never seen her dad like this, she said he wasn’t making sense and she put him in bed. She said she was calling because she felt ‘someone should know.’ I told her she did the right thing, thanked her for calling, said I would be there shortly and that everything was going to be okay.

Long story short, all of the alcohol is out of the apartment and replaced by AA literature. The next morning, he was in AA.. He hasn’t gone every day. He has a sponsor, his therapist, and is telling more and more people that he is an alcoholic and getting help. He’s been so kind and loving toward me except for the last couple of days being a little impatient but also a little reminiscent of the jerk boyfriend?

I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings and doing the work on myself consistently, I also have a therapist I see every week, even while I was away.

I’m still feeling pretty blown out every day thinking “..What am I doing??”

I know I have options, but I feel so stuck.

ladyscribbler

Hugs. Can you take his daughter to an alateen meeting? Sounds like she is also dealing with a lot right now. Sometimes doing something for another person can get me out of the little ruts I dig for myself.

orca

Thank you, ladyscribbler! Doing something for someone else is great advice. I'm treading everything really carefully, but extra carefully with his daughter. You're right - she's definitely going through a lot. Thank you again for your thoughts!

MAGW

Hi Orca - I can see a similar thing in my future if my XAB goes to rehab, until then we are apart and for the most part no contact for the good of us both of us as it's too sad for both (but he was never ugly about things). I am not clear if you are just helping him through, or fell back into a relationship - but - either way, follow your intuition and keep your boundaries in place. If you want to be helpful be helpful, but if you don't, don't as that will land you in a spot you don't want to be in. You can be supportive but do what is right for you, not for him, you are your priority, he is secondary. Maybe if you follow that, it will help you figure out if you want a relationship with him again, or if you just want to be supportive to he and his daughter, or maybe just to her. Therapy does wonders for us - I think I went from not knowing I had intuition to listen to, to now feeling it's my best friend - follow yours and that will lead you to the right decision .

hopeful4

Hi Orca. Im so sorry your struggling. His daughter is lucky to have you in her lufe. Alateen or Celebrate zrecovery for both you and his daughter ( providing you are near one w a kids program ) would be a great thing.

Hold steady, stay around people who support you and give you happiness.

XXX

Hammer

It is likely going to take a few months to see how he comes out.

So this is all You Work On You Time. Sounds like you understand that part pretty well.

Sooooo Agree on the Help The Daughter part. That is good for everyone.

Best to you.