So he's gone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 17
So he's gone
The police came round to see me today, A has gone back home down south back to his kids and his wife (who he is separated from but still stays with when he goes home) but I'm starting to doubt I ever knew the truth about his situation.
Does she know what he's done, does he feel guilty?
I feel like maybe I'm wasting my time pressing charges, I went to court for the sexual assault I suffered from a close friend, and the he got a community order and the judge made me feel terrible, like I asked for it or something, so is this going to be another well you aren't terribly injured and it's his first offense type thing, even though I don't know he could have previous....
I feel insecure, lonely, and I want to drink, I've never been a day time drinker, why now he's gone after all the stick I gave him for drinking, is it I want to, to numb the pain, am I becoming him, don't really know my own identity anymore, I'm scared I'll get hooked on drink like him if I drink when I'm sad, am I being crazy? Am I at risk? Who am I anymore?
Just a lot of unanswered questions, confusion.
Therapy needs to start soon, hope I can suck it up and go, I can't keep having these relationships, if I keep going through this pain with people eventually I won't be able to take it anymore, been close to the edge a good few times recently, got to bring it back, or at least fake happiness for the outside world... :-|
Does she know what he's done, does he feel guilty?
I feel like maybe I'm wasting my time pressing charges, I went to court for the sexual assault I suffered from a close friend, and the he got a community order and the judge made me feel terrible, like I asked for it or something, so is this going to be another well you aren't terribly injured and it's his first offense type thing, even though I don't know he could have previous....
I feel insecure, lonely, and I want to drink, I've never been a day time drinker, why now he's gone after all the stick I gave him for drinking, is it I want to, to numb the pain, am I becoming him, don't really know my own identity anymore, I'm scared I'll get hooked on drink like him if I drink when I'm sad, am I being crazy? Am I at risk? Who am I anymore?
Just a lot of unanswered questions, confusion.
Therapy needs to start soon, hope I can suck it up and go, I can't keep having these relationships, if I keep going through this pain with people eventually I won't be able to take it anymore, been close to the edge a good few times recently, got to bring it back, or at least fake happiness for the outside world... :-|
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Good morning, (may I please address you as "soon to be happy girl?")
First, I'm sorry that a figure of authority made you feel like it was your fault. That is completely unwarranted. I don't care if it was the " individuals first offense & your not really hurt" - I'm paraphrasing here. I wasn't there dear, but no women deserves any assault sexual or not. You & no women ask for it. Please begin to heal from that experience & mean words.
As for the guy here l. the A who has left ... Dear girl, let him go. You don't need the headache, the pain or the drama. Let him be. should you pray for him? Sure. Obviously he needs help. But, you will see you don't need the drama from his troubles. Take care of you.
As for the drinking, no- you know he isn't a well individual. We all know that when go out with a alcoholic/ addicts. I knew and stayed for as long as I could. But I knew all along it wasn't right- it wasn't until I got so sick of feeling dismissed for his drugs & alcohol that i finallly dried my eyes and said-enough of this crap with him. He is who he is. But You are You. Sometimes when we love someone we try to hold on to them by picking up a trait or habit of them. But you know that his alcoholism is not a habit you need. You feel the confusion- and everybody here at SR has felt that. But that confusion doesn't define you. You define you. Be strong dear, I will pray very hard for you. A few months ago I came to SR and found the best advice about my healing from a dysfunctional relationship with a Alcoholic/ Addict. You 'll find great support & friends here. Be patient with yourself... And be you. Don't let the guy who split give you his addiction as a souvenir of him. Let his wife or ex wife or whatever craziness of his relationship is & his addiction be his situation and not yours. May God bless and protect you. Be happy dear. Xoxo, Bernadette777
First, I'm sorry that a figure of authority made you feel like it was your fault. That is completely unwarranted. I don't care if it was the " individuals first offense & your not really hurt" - I'm paraphrasing here. I wasn't there dear, but no women deserves any assault sexual or not. You & no women ask for it. Please begin to heal from that experience & mean words.
As for the guy here l. the A who has left ... Dear girl, let him go. You don't need the headache, the pain or the drama. Let him be. should you pray for him? Sure. Obviously he needs help. But, you will see you don't need the drama from his troubles. Take care of you.
As for the drinking, no- you know he isn't a well individual. We all know that when go out with a alcoholic/ addicts. I knew and stayed for as long as I could. But I knew all along it wasn't right- it wasn't until I got so sick of feeling dismissed for his drugs & alcohol that i finallly dried my eyes and said-enough of this crap with him. He is who he is. But You are You. Sometimes when we love someone we try to hold on to them by picking up a trait or habit of them. But you know that his alcoholism is not a habit you need. You feel the confusion- and everybody here at SR has felt that. But that confusion doesn't define you. You define you. Be strong dear, I will pray very hard for you. A few months ago I came to SR and found the best advice about my healing from a dysfunctional relationship with a Alcoholic/ Addict. You 'll find great support & friends here. Be patient with yourself... And be you. Don't let the guy who split give you his addiction as a souvenir of him. Let his wife or ex wife or whatever craziness of his relationship is & his addiction be his situation and not yours. May God bless and protect you. Be happy dear. Xoxo, Bernadette777
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by sadgirl16 
I'm starting to doubt I ever knew the truth about his situation.|
Please do get some face-to-face support ASAP--there is no waiting list at Alanon, and no charge. I'd strongly recommend you get to a meeting sooner rather than later. Your fears about having the same relationship over and over are valid. Until you learn new, healthy ways of living, you'll likely repeat the same pattern of mistakes over and over (and it sounds like you already have...).
There are many threads here about the joy and freedom that members have found as they work their way thru recovery. You can do it as well--you've made the first steps thru coming to SR, now see if you can take a step or two more and check into Alanon and/or therapy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 17
Thanks Bernadette, I am letting him go, got a restraining order coming his way also, so at least legally he is not allowed to contact me, and I'm glad for it.
Going to be a tough few weeks, but it's my daughters birthday next week and I can look at her and know I am doing a good job, and I am protecting her
Thank you for replying, I look forward to speaking to people on here, it brightens my day even if just slightly to know I'm not alone. x
Going to be a tough few weeks, but it's my daughters birthday next week and I can look at her and know I am doing a good job, and I am protecting her
Thank you for replying, I look forward to speaking to people on here, it brightens my day even if just slightly to know I'm not alone. x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CAN SOMEONE COME AND HELP BY SHOWING SADGIRL HOW TO GET THE VIDEO THAT HAMMER HAS BROUGHT TO US----the one that Madea did about "when people leave us"??
I would do it myself---but I don't think I can get it right!!
In addition, I wish to throw myself at the feet of any administrators who are reading this to see if this can be made a "sticky". It is truly a masterpiece that could help soo many people on this forum who face this situation.
Madea is better than any $180 therapy session.
dandylion
I would do it myself---but I don't think I can get it right!!
In addition, I wish to throw myself at the feet of any administrators who are reading this to see if this can be made a "sticky". It is truly a masterpiece that could help soo many people on this forum who face this situation.
Madea is better than any $180 therapy session.
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by sadgirl16
Honeypig, I don't know if you thought maybe I have a drinking problem, is alnon not just for people who drink? I'm confused.... x
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics, anyone who has been affected by another person's drinking. I've been going since last October and it has helped me tremendously. I too was on a long waiting list for therapy, but where I am Alanon meetings are available daily. It is a wonderful program.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by sadgirl16
Honeypig, I don't know if you thought maybe I have a drinking problem, is alnon not just for people who drink? I'm confused.... x
Here are some links to stickied threads on the SR site about Alanon: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html Reading thru other threads here in the Family and Friends section will turn up lots and lots of references to Alanon, also. (And actually, reading thru other threads here besides your own will help you in many other ways, too.)
Not everyone here uses Alanon as a tool in their recovery, and it certainly isn't a "must", but I think it's definitely worth a try--you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by going.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Sadgirl...
You'll hear so much talk about getting yourself into therapy and al-anon here...and that's because there's something to it. There's a reason you've accepted this behavior and there's a way to learn to deal with YOU that's so much better. I think that's probably what honeypig meant. Nothing related to alcoholism on your part. Dandylion has similar advice.
I'm not a big drinker. (Well, that's the real me, I think.) Before I met my XAH (at 18) I did party. He hated that about me interestingly, but he always ALWAYS drank at home. I'd never kept alcohol in the house and he drank cocktails nightly as if we were in the movies, lol. It was his family's way of life. Through the years I kept my "party only" self, then quit drinking altogether to "help", then drank with him (he always poured me one so it was socially acceptable that he wasn't drinking alone, and he'd get angry and bully me to drink it when I didn't want to)...then when I realized how bad it was getting I stopped altogether again (he'll be angry anyway) unless I had a glass of wine out with girl friends. At the end I didn't drink a thing for a few years.
However, when in the worst of the split with X, when I was truly coming to terms with not only the grief and the daunting future, but also the abuse I lived with and had somehow denied, I numbed for a bit. I ran until my knee malfunctioned (we're talking up to two 6 mile runs a day every day), I tried positive things, but couldn't keep up with the pain that was hammering me. I'm not proud, but I was drunk quite a bit for a while. It was a scary, numbing, who cares what happens place to be, and it was a fantastic way to "enjoy the now" and "ignore me". I don't recommend it. In hindsight the abuse denial lifting was overwhelming, and I struggled with so much guilt on behalf of my kids for living with him and I was figuring out how to handle it all, and I forgive me--but wow. I can see how people in these situations become addicts themselves. It scares me even now to think of the choices I could have made.
So to your question of wanting to numb, just please be careful, because it IS a path of temporary freedom, but it just gets harder and harder to climb back to reality and face the music.
I stopped because I wasn't going to let him take that too...and because my kids deserve to grow up in a home without alcohol, and because I felt lousy and didn't want to live that way, and because I knew it WASN'T ME. It was just utterly terrifying to look my life squarely in the eye, but it had to be done if I WANTED my life. Still working on that masterpiece.
I don't know how I feel about alcohol now, because I find my intolerance for the whole thing growing. I don't judge others and still go out with my drunk friends, but don't drink very much anymore myself, though I periodically enjoy a drink or two.
But I get to choose!
Try try try to keep a level head and seek other avenues if you can. I should have sought serious DV therapy early on but couldn't bear to. I think it was the last step of allowing everything to truly be REAL. When I finally did it was a lifeline.
Hugs and prayers to you.
You'll hear so much talk about getting yourself into therapy and al-anon here...and that's because there's something to it. There's a reason you've accepted this behavior and there's a way to learn to deal with YOU that's so much better. I think that's probably what honeypig meant. Nothing related to alcoholism on your part. Dandylion has similar advice.
I'm not a big drinker. (Well, that's the real me, I think.) Before I met my XAH (at 18) I did party. He hated that about me interestingly, but he always ALWAYS drank at home. I'd never kept alcohol in the house and he drank cocktails nightly as if we were in the movies, lol. It was his family's way of life. Through the years I kept my "party only" self, then quit drinking altogether to "help", then drank with him (he always poured me one so it was socially acceptable that he wasn't drinking alone, and he'd get angry and bully me to drink it when I didn't want to)...then when I realized how bad it was getting I stopped altogether again (he'll be angry anyway) unless I had a glass of wine out with girl friends. At the end I didn't drink a thing for a few years.
However, when in the worst of the split with X, when I was truly coming to terms with not only the grief and the daunting future, but also the abuse I lived with and had somehow denied, I numbed for a bit. I ran until my knee malfunctioned (we're talking up to two 6 mile runs a day every day), I tried positive things, but couldn't keep up with the pain that was hammering me. I'm not proud, but I was drunk quite a bit for a while. It was a scary, numbing, who cares what happens place to be, and it was a fantastic way to "enjoy the now" and "ignore me". I don't recommend it. In hindsight the abuse denial lifting was overwhelming, and I struggled with so much guilt on behalf of my kids for living with him and I was figuring out how to handle it all, and I forgive me--but wow. I can see how people in these situations become addicts themselves. It scares me even now to think of the choices I could have made.
So to your question of wanting to numb, just please be careful, because it IS a path of temporary freedom, but it just gets harder and harder to climb back to reality and face the music.
I stopped because I wasn't going to let him take that too...and because my kids deserve to grow up in a home without alcohol, and because I felt lousy and didn't want to live that way, and because I knew it WASN'T ME. It was just utterly terrifying to look my life squarely in the eye, but it had to be done if I WANTED my life. Still working on that masterpiece.
I don't know how I feel about alcohol now, because I find my intolerance for the whole thing growing. I don't judge others and still go out with my drunk friends, but don't drink very much anymore myself, though I periodically enjoy a drink or two.
But I get to choose!
Try try try to keep a level head and seek other avenues if you can. I should have sought serious DV therapy early on but couldn't bear to. I think it was the last step of allowing everything to truly be REAL. When I finally did it was a lifeline.
Hugs and prayers to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 17
It's nice to hear of people who got through it and are ok, you sound so strong!
I am going to move house, as some details of that night have came to light and I feel too scared to stay here any longer, the police have actually been really great and are going to get me a panic button to help me feel safer til i move, just got to sort finances out as he had me jobless and poor by the time he left, but I'll rebuild and try, I don't want to fall in to drinking all the time either, my daughter is my world and I need to be there for her.
Victim support are going to contact me and I will be getting therapy, so we shall see how it goes, hopefully a brighter future ahead!
Much love to you all x
I am going to move house, as some details of that night have came to light and I feel too scared to stay here any longer, the police have actually been really great and are going to get me a panic button to help me feel safer til i move, just got to sort finances out as he had me jobless and poor by the time he left, but I'll rebuild and try, I don't want to fall in to drinking all the time either, my daughter is my world and I need to be there for her.
Victim support are going to contact me and I will be getting therapy, so we shall see how it goes, hopefully a brighter future ahead!
Much love to you all x
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I think this is the video Dandylion was referring too. Really good stuff!
Hang in there Sadgirl. You are not alone. Keep posting here, we understand what you're feeling.
Madea - People are like leaves, branches, and roots - Video Dailymotion
Hang in there Sadgirl. You are not alone. Keep posting here, we understand what you're feeling.
Madea - People are like leaves, branches, and roots - Video Dailymotion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
There is a very thoughtful and helpful book by Susan Anderson called Journey from Abandonment to Healing that you might get to help you through this.
It talks about the five stages of loss and grief - Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing the Rejection, Rage, then Lifting and I find it to be very honest and healing.
ShootingStar1
It talks about the five stages of loss and grief - Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing the Rejection, Rage, then Lifting and I find it to be very honest and healing.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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http://lockerz.com/u/20884891/decalz...ionship_advice
I believe this is the Madea video Hammer posted a while ago.
I believe this is the Madea video Hammer posted a while ago.
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