Nosy Neighbors - how do you deal?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Nosy Neighbors - how do you deal?
My wife and I used to argue out in the open in our backyard and neighbors would sometimes hear us. I once kicked over and destroyed some of her plants and my wife yelled, "I hate you, you ruined my life" and we were being aggressive towards each other. Some neighbor yelled "grow up!" and we both felt really embarrassed and angry at the same time. The neighbor has never said anything else since then - we don't talk to them at all. Their outburst wasn't helpful at all, really.
At some point, my family members found out about it through the grapevine. I don't know who exactly told them, because this neighbor didn't know my family. But the directly adjacent one did know my mother (different neighbor). I confronted my mother about it and she admitted that "someone in their house" had shared it.
I basically told my mother to mind her own business.
In my opinion, it was certainly unacceptable for me to destroy my wife's plants and her to yell like she did. We both made our amends soon after that. I have never once repeated my behavior and neither has she. We try to work things out (as I've noted I'm almost 2 years sober now - I was not active at the time, but VERY early in recovery and had trouble coping with anger, I think -- wife too).
Anyways, to my question.
The adjacent neighbor that talked to my family members but never to us about our argument (different neighbor than one that yelled grow up) tends to ask questions that feel a lot like prying. "why you putting in a fence?", "hey, what are you doing?" - kind of thing. My wife and I have been pretty tight-lipped with them because we have no sense of trust.
I've debated about directly confronting them (husband and wife - maybe in their 60's? not sure if it was wife, or husband, or someone else). Otherwise, I just don't chat with them much.
Looking for some suggestions. Let it go and never really trust the neighbor? Confront them to find some middle ground and to set boundary?? something else?
At some point, my family members found out about it through the grapevine. I don't know who exactly told them, because this neighbor didn't know my family. But the directly adjacent one did know my mother (different neighbor). I confronted my mother about it and she admitted that "someone in their house" had shared it.
I basically told my mother to mind her own business.
In my opinion, it was certainly unacceptable for me to destroy my wife's plants and her to yell like she did. We both made our amends soon after that. I have never once repeated my behavior and neither has she. We try to work things out (as I've noted I'm almost 2 years sober now - I was not active at the time, but VERY early in recovery and had trouble coping with anger, I think -- wife too).
Anyways, to my question.
The adjacent neighbor that talked to my family members but never to us about our argument (different neighbor than one that yelled grow up) tends to ask questions that feel a lot like prying. "why you putting in a fence?", "hey, what are you doing?" - kind of thing. My wife and I have been pretty tight-lipped with them because we have no sense of trust.
I've debated about directly confronting them (husband and wife - maybe in their 60's? not sure if it was wife, or husband, or someone else). Otherwise, I just don't chat with them much.
Looking for some suggestions. Let it go and never really trust the neighbor? Confront them to find some middle ground and to set boundary?? something else?
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
I just keep my side of the street clean. I don't need to worry about what other people do. 
Who cares what they say or think. You are right, it really is not any of their business, but nosy neighbors have been around forever. Don't let it keep you awake at night.
Who cares what they say or think. You are right, it really is not any of their business, but nosy neighbors have been around forever. Don't let it keep you awake at night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
never too late to grow up - as long as we are still breathing
Originally Posted by thotful 
Looking for some suggestions.
Your neighbors kind of remind me of me. For after my little episode I asked of myself "why don't you grow up?"
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
I hate some neighbors...those passive aggressive questions..you know what they are doing...
they are trying to obtain ammo for their gossip. I Live around a lot of old miserable gossip heads. They don't really approve of me..being in my thirties..living alone..not going to the stupid town council meeting ever. just rise above it.. on another note i have
this house next to me that is subsidized from the state for battered women i think..people are in and out all day and night...fights in front of my house outside about..child support and coping heroin..if i say hi to anybody outside..they don't answer back..i never complained...as far as im concerned it's not worth it
they are trying to obtain ammo for their gossip. I Live around a lot of old miserable gossip heads. They don't really approve of me..being in my thirties..living alone..not going to the stupid town council meeting ever. just rise above it.. on another note i have
this house next to me that is subsidized from the state for battered women i think..people are in and out all day and night...fights in front of my house outside about..child support and coping heroin..if i say hi to anybody outside..they don't answer back..i never complained...as far as im concerned it's not worth it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
two things come to mind....one, it's in the past and not repeated.
two, you only have hearsay to go on.
let it be. we can't control others.
the former neighbors to one side actually called Animal Control because the one b!tch thought she saw my husband hit our dog. so Saturday morning at about 9 we got a drop in from AC.
one night we had a fire going in our fire pit, which is about five feet from the LAKE and yeah it might have been a bit BIG, but she called the fire dept. who tromped thru our neighbors yard on the other side as our property is gated. I spoke to them thru the fence/shrubbery, invited them over if they wanted to check things out, they just told us to have a hose handy and left.
she also left a copy of the local noise ordinance in our mailbox, inferring we had the stereo too loud.
we just ignored them. as is they did not exist. ok, so the day the eagle dropped the dead rat in our yard, we did pitch it over the fence. but other than that we let it be. they weren't worth the trouble.
two, you only have hearsay to go on.
let it be. we can't control others.
the former neighbors to one side actually called Animal Control because the one b!tch thought she saw my husband hit our dog. so Saturday morning at about 9 we got a drop in from AC.
one night we had a fire going in our fire pit, which is about five feet from the LAKE and yeah it might have been a bit BIG, but she called the fire dept. who tromped thru our neighbors yard on the other side as our property is gated. I spoke to them thru the fence/shrubbery, invited them over if they wanted to check things out, they just told us to have a hose handy and left.
she also left a copy of the local noise ordinance in our mailbox, inferring we had the stereo too loud.
we just ignored them. as is they did not exist. ok, so the day the eagle dropped the dead rat in our yard, we did pitch it over the fence. but other than that we let it be. they weren't worth the trouble.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Honestly?
I think if anything, have an honest talk with the neighbors. Invite them over for coffee. Sit them down and tell them you feel awful about that night, and know that there were other nights you disturbed them. Tell them you're an alcoholic. Tell them you've been sober for two years. Apologize for how your behavior affected them.
I think that's better than trying to confront them. I hate nosy neighbors as much as the next guy, but I don't see anything nosy from them. You disturbed them, they told you to grow up. Embarrassing, but it happened. The rest of how you describe them seem like pretty typical neighbor talk to me.
So one of them let your family know. I think you can chalk that up to concern. Or maybe even a way for them to try to get your family to intervene so that they wouldn't have to listen to your fighting anymore. I don't think there's any basis for a confrontation.
I think if anything, have an honest talk with the neighbors. Invite them over for coffee. Sit them down and tell them you feel awful about that night, and know that there were other nights you disturbed them. Tell them you're an alcoholic. Tell them you've been sober for two years. Apologize for how your behavior affected them.
I think that's better than trying to confront them. I hate nosy neighbors as much as the next guy, but I don't see anything nosy from them. You disturbed them, they told you to grow up. Embarrassing, but it happened. The rest of how you describe them seem like pretty typical neighbor talk to me.
So one of them let your family know. I think you can chalk that up to concern. Or maybe even a way for them to try to get your family to intervene so that they wouldn't have to listen to your fighting anymore. I don't think there's any basis for a confrontation.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Their outburst wasn't helpful at all, really.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
Originally Posted by lillamy
Honestly?
I think if anything, have an honest talk with the neighbors. Invite them over for coffee. Sit them down and tell them you feel awful about that night, and know that there were other nights you disturbed them. Tell them you're an alcoholic. Tell them you've been sober for two years. Apologize for how your behavior affected them.
I think that's better than trying to confront them. I hate nosy neighbors as much as the next guy, but I don't see anything nosy from them. You disturbed them, they told you to grow up. Embarrassing, but it happened. The rest of how you describe them seem like pretty typical neighbor talk to me.
So one of them let your family know. I think you can chalk that up to concern. Or maybe even a way for them to try to get your family to intervene so that they wouldn't have to listen to your fighting anymore. I don't think there's any basis for a confrontation.
I think if anything, have an honest talk with the neighbors. Invite them over for coffee. Sit them down and tell them you feel awful about that night, and know that there were other nights you disturbed them. Tell them you're an alcoholic. Tell them you've been sober for two years. Apologize for how your behavior affected them.
I think that's better than trying to confront them. I hate nosy neighbors as much as the next guy, but I don't see anything nosy from them. You disturbed them, they told you to grow up. Embarrassing, but it happened. The rest of how you describe them seem like pretty typical neighbor talk to me.
So one of them let your family know. I think you can chalk that up to concern. Or maybe even a way for them to try to get your family to intervene so that they wouldn't have to listen to your fighting anymore. I don't think there's any basis for a confrontation.
ahh..I don't know how bad you guys were yelling..but..people yell everywhere i lived. I think it's a stretch saying you owe them a apology especially after they ratted you out...just don't fight outside and move on...telling them you are an alcoholic is not a good idea...imo im sorry
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I would not tell nosy neighbors that you are an alcoholic. It is not a secret per se but there can be ramifications at places like work. It is up to you to let people know if you want them to, not the nosy neighbors job to tell, and they have proven they will tell whatever.
You have modified your behavior. Keep it improved and be cordial to the neighbors. Over time they will hopefully be cordial back. If not, don't sweat it, not worth it.
You have modified your behavior. Keep it improved and be cordial to the neighbors. Over time they will hopefully be cordial back. If not, don't sweat it, not worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by thotful
But the directly adjacent one did know my mother (different neighbor). I confronted my mother about it and she admitted that "someone in their house" had shared it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I'm not comfortable with apologizing to people who NEVER actually talked to my wife and I about it. In my opinion, that's being gossipy and is not about a legitimate concern. "we heard them yell at each other once" does not constitute good samaritan behavior - nosy nancy behavior in my mind. I have a lot of people who ask questions in my life that are purely meant for the purpose of judging the decision. I can tell the difference between polite hey i'm trying to be a neighbor and I just want some info to gossip about or judge you about later.
Just today my wife mentioned overhearing this neighbor complain about a friend of theirs that used to dress nice (sweaters, etc) and then changed their attire, and she remarked, "it just goes to show you how much you really know a person"
Like I said, nosy.
A different neighbor sends out a completely different vibe and we chatted for a 1/2 hour with today. She was asking about our herb/tree garden and being neighborly.
I'm going to stick with advice to just leave it be, unless the nosy neighbor starts trying to initiate a relatiionship beyond my quick "yes and no" answers to her prying.
Just today my wife mentioned overhearing this neighbor complain about a friend of theirs that used to dress nice (sweaters, etc) and then changed their attire, and she remarked, "it just goes to show you how much you really know a person"
Like I said, nosy.
A different neighbor sends out a completely different vibe and we chatted for a 1/2 hour with today. She was asking about our herb/tree garden and being neighborly.
I'm going to stick with advice to just leave it be, unless the nosy neighbor starts trying to initiate a relatiionship beyond my quick "yes and no" answers to her prying.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by thotful
I can tell the difference between polite hey i'm trying to be a neighbor and I just want some info to gossip about or judge you about later.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
The adjacent neighbor that talked to my family members but never to us about our argument (different neighbor than one that yelled grow up) tends to ask questions that feel a lot like prying. "why you putting in a fence?", "hey, what are you doing?" - kind of thing. My wife and I have been pretty tight-lipped with them because we have no sense of trust.
You may never know who brought up your behavior to your mother. You could create a lot of confusion "confronting" these people without really knowing if they are the one's who talked to your mother. Why do you need to "confront" anyway?
It is entirely possible that you just have nosy neighbors. And, so what? It's part of life to have someone who is annoying. The only boundary you can try to establish with a nosy, meddling neighbor is to tell them to stop bothering you. Do you really want that`?
I say trust them, be friendly, chat with them and start acting like a good neighbor. A good neighbor is patient with the nosy folks and shows tolerance. Practicing patience and tolerance is part of staying sober. I wouldn't under any circumstances bring up your episode or say you are a recovered alcoholic. Setting boundaries can simply be smiling, changing the subject and not answering prying questions.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by MissFixit
I would not tell nosy neighbors that you are an alcoholic. It is not a secret per se but there can be ramifications at places like work. It is up to you to let people know if you want them to, not the nosy neighbors job to tell, and they have proven they will tell whatever.
You have modified your behavior. Keep it improved and be cordial to the neighbors. Over time they will hopefully be cordial back. If not, don't sweat it, not worth it.
You have modified your behavior. Keep it improved and be cordial to the neighbors. Over time they will hopefully be cordial back. If not, don't sweat it, not worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Definitely do not technically know who it really was - Thus, I will just go with my comfort zone without being rude. So, if someone has lots of prying questions, I have lots of short answers, lol. But, it's easy enough to be a reasonable neighbor.
I suppose an amends of sorts (with wife, myself, all neighbors) would be to simply stop the arguing/outside and keep that stuff private. I think they call it a living amends. It would be more for me than any of the neighbors.
Like putting up a boundary - otherwise, arguing in public almost invites people's prying eyes and ears.
I suppose an amends of sorts (with wife, myself, all neighbors) would be to simply stop the arguing/outside and keep that stuff private. I think they call it a living amends. It would be more for me than any of the neighbors.
Like putting up a boundary - otherwise, arguing in public almost invites people's prying eyes and ears.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My neighbors were arguing outside yesterday. While i could not cwre less, my little dsughter was outside and did not need or want to hear their argument and criticisms of each other. I think its rude and disrespectful of the others who live around you.
While i understand what you are saying, they dont know the circumstances and just heard two.people being jerky to each other. So... i guess my take is if you dont want people talking about what they see and hear, keep it outside their vision and hearing.
I personally would not worry much about it and just be nice to everyone and move forward.
Sorry for spelling errors, using my nook and cannot type on this thing!
While i understand what you are saying, they dont know the circumstances and just heard two.people being jerky to each other. So... i guess my take is if you dont want people talking about what they see and hear, keep it outside their vision and hearing.
I personally would not worry much about it and just be nice to everyone and move forward.
Sorry for spelling errors, using my nook and cannot type on this thing!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
