PippiLngstockng

Well, for our popcorn eating friends, and only if Marie doesn't mind my adding my ridiculous poorly thought out encounters with hers, I saw my married friend this evening ��

We went swimming.

But to backtrack, I hadnt heard from him in four days. Days one and two I kept checking my phone every half hour. Like a girl. Day three I went through mourning. Day four, today, I put him out of my mind. I went to the sports store and bought some stuff I needed, where I always see the owner and we have this flirtation thing going. Don't think he's married :-)

Then ran into another man friend - divorced - and had a lovely chat and I let him have my number. He's cute.

Then met my married friend after having waited many long hours to reply ambivalently to his text.

Look. He makes me happy. I don't know what it is about him, but I feel radiant when I am with him. I don't feel like this with anyone else. He kept looking at me in a surprised way. Maybe because I look ridiculous in my swim cap and goggles! But when I am with him, the sun shines.

I didn't cross any lines. When I am with my male teammates, I am physically squished up with them in the pool. Here we mostly kept to opposite lanes.

Being happy like that, carefree and confident and myself, feels good. Go ahead, wave red flags. But I think my new friend is meant to be in my life right now. And today I am grateful for that little bit of bliss.

Thanks Marie for letting me be here. Maybe you were this happy when you first got back together with your XA?

m1k3

Maybe it's because I'm an old fart but after having my own place for the last three years I can't imagine sharing it with anyone else. I have a perfectly good relationship going on with my self, pot gut and enlarged prostate and all. In fact, I love me.

I have decided I don't need anyone else. I am enough just as I am.

Your friend,

biminiblue

Oh, pipi.

Oh, marie.

Been both those places. Really happy I'm not there any more. Pipi, there's a storm a'brewin'.

Marie, big hugs. And ughs.

Stung

That sounds an awful lot like this: So what, it was just a few beers not liquor. I'm not an alcoholic. I just like to relax after work with a few beers. Quack, quack, quack.

If what you were doing was truly innocent you wouldn't have tried to justify it. If an alcoholic cannot resist opening a bottle of wine kept in the home then maybe they shouldn't keep wine in the home. If you cannot resist this guy's calls then maybe you should block his number. You're setting yourself up for a world of drama with this relationship. I cannot imagine that his wife is 100% happy about this relationship and being that your kids are similar ages, I'd guess that you're setting your kids up for potential hurt too. You're stronger than this, Pippi. Do the next right thing.

Fandy

giggle giggle over the little crumbs in the duck pond? He goes home to his WIFE and children every night....what do you get?
the fact that you do this to another woman is making you seem desperate.

I hope that you find your way without this. please start your own thread about it.

Marie, I am sorry for the upset you have, but use it to never fall into this craptrap again. He will be sniffing around to see if he can pick up again like last time.

FireSprite

Aw Pip, I'm a big fan of yours but I think you're doing your share of waving red flags around here. This reads like a paragraph out of "Twilight", like a teenaged crush. You know how it would feel if your husband were spending time with another woman like this; your heart knows. (and of course I mean "your husband" as in a man you were married to & cared about & loved.... not a raging narcissist you're trying to untangle from)

I just really hope you aren't jumping out of the frying pan into the fire here Girl, seriously... please think it through. I'm all for having fun as SINGLE people, but disrespecting someone else's marriage is another thing altogether.

DG0409

I read something on the 'other side' that both Pippi's and Marie's situations made me think of: "If you don't want to slip, don't stand in slippery places."

marie1960

Oh Pippi..........

Reel yourself in my friend.

this pot of boiling oil I'm currently floating around in is a painful bitch. Save yourself the heartache now.... he's married for God's sake, he pledged himself to someone else, you really do not want to be a part of that mess. Find your dignity , step back, and let this one go. ( I say this with heartfelt concern)

Right now I feel like a jilted school girl, and from the bottom of my heart, I can assure you it's not pleasant. You can choose to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, or be prepared to get knocked on your azz, gasping for breath.

This whole ordeal has made me realize that maybe for the first time in a while I am ready for a relationship. I have a wonderful friend, who I have been casually seeing, ( not sexually involved) when he is not traveling around the country for work, and I know he would like to take our relationship to the next level, but I am just not feeling it for him. There is just something not quite right, and I can't figure it out. Or maybe I just really need to put some effort into finding out, but he's a workaholic, and i was married to a workaholic ........ and obvi that didnt work, therefore I kind of shy away from him.

i also know that ol lover boy will be an alkie regardless of who he is with. Doesn't matter if she is 21. a size 2, beautiful long blonde hair, and legs up to her ears, he still has a monkey on his back.

C'mon Pippi lets make a pact together, we both deserve better, we can do this

MissFixit

Pip,
Are you looking for him to be a knight in shining armor? He doesn't have the character.

searching peace

I was cheated on in my first marriage. 15 plus years and three children and a woman came in and destroyed my family. My AH cheated on his first wife all of the time and I would imagine he has cheated in me although he denies it and I have no proof. But Pippi, I do know how it feels to be the woman cheated on. I wouldn't wish that on anyone! It is horrible and something that one may not ever recover from. I have read enough of your post to believe you are a good person and if you really think about how this will effect you, your children, another woman and possibly other children I think you will do the right thing. If he is wonderful and does have feelings for you. Then those feelings will be there after he is left alone to close the doors he wants closed. Meaning walk away and allow him and his wife to end their marriage in their own way and their own time. If it is meant to be, it will be. Please don't put yourself through anymore pain than you have already gone through. And children grow up and think that is the norm. If they see you having an affair with a married man they will think that is normal and do that when they are older. Is that the kind of sadness you want for your kids?
I am NOT judging, just asking and trying to let you think things through. No matter what you decide, I will be supportive of you and your recovery. I make mistakes all day every day. And as much as brilliant people try and warn me not to, I just keep doing stupid self destructive things. So I understand how you might have ended up in this situation. I hope I haven't overstepped with my comments. We all have made mistakes. We wouldn't be here in this forum if we hadn't. And we all are works in progress. I do not judge anyone, I don't walk in anyone a shoes but my own. I'm sending you hugs and strength.

MissFixit

Pip,

One thing I want to add. I have several married guy friends that I just adore. One or two who touch base with me every year or so. If circumstances changed for all, then I would love to go out with them and I can tell its mutual. One I have known since childhood and we are giddy around each other, therefore, we are never alone around each other. I respect his wife and child and care too much for him to cause any pain on that front.

I know when I am alone and scared or worried about the future it seems like a man could answer all of my problems, if it was just the right guy. The problem is that is just a fairytale we are sold as children. Everyone has issues even the prince charmings. The major character defects and the red flags waving are what we all have to learn to look for in relationships. you have a big one and you are ignoring it to your own peril and the peril of your kids and his kids. its selfish not to consider the consequences to everyone involved. if you were his wife and he was entering into an affair with someone else, how would you feel? if his marriage is dead, then he can end it before taking on a new lady. if he doesn't want to end his marriage, then THAT is the message for you.

m1k3

Pipi, don't know if you are a Game of Thrones fan or not, but, winter is coming.

Your friend,

SparkleKitty

Marie -- thank you for sharing your struggle over what you have been going through the last several weeks. I find your honesty very brave and inspiring, though I am sorry for what you are going through. It is a good reminder to all of us that recovery is a lifelong endeavor. Sending you strength, courage, and patience.

Praying

Charming + Successful + Cheater = Narcissist (often)

The BIGGEST red flag is that a charming cheater has an incredibly high chance of being a narcissist...and that is a merry go round I don't want to ride a second time. BIG risk in a vulnerable time.

He might not be, but I have yet to find someone like that who doesn't have some form of mental/emotional struggle.

desypete

why dont people simply look for a relationship with someone who is hideously deformed or handicapped ?

i have found people like this really know how to live life far better than the good looking rich people that seems to be the normal catch women look for

sadly its a sign of the way people really are as no one wants to have a relationship with people who are ugly or got something wrong with them

they dont look at the person at all its all about presentation.

Hawkeye13

I've made plenty of bad choices in relationships as well.
I don't think I would ever even pick up a stone to throw, but
as I near 50 I realize that we can all learn to make healthy choices--

Not choosing people who are addicted, or entangled seems pretty basic.
Once we know this is the case, we can walk away and avoid the hurt we
cause ourselves and others who may not be directly involved, but will be deeply and directly affected.

Marie you knew what he was when you went back, and Pippi, you know this man has
a family however he makes you feel.

It isn't easy to let go of that Carpe Deim moment, but sometimes the fallout just
won't be worth the thrill. Just my thoughts--love you both.

Praying

Desypete...your words ring true. The hideously deformed and handicapped have often been forced to do all that work we're doing in the course of their lives early on. That earns them the beauty of inner peace and strength.

We are blessed that our "hideous deformity" can usually be shed with hard work, hopefully leaving behind that same inner beauty. In many ways I am so fortunate to have lived my life exactly as I did until now. (Yuck) Same to you Marie... Keep on shedding what doesn't work, forgive yourself, and honor you!

MesaMan

I usually stay out of these Topics here, having been married for 37 years last Friday to a total Babe who I am not so stupid as to fool around on. I confined my seemingly-bottomless supply of doing stupid shite to simply Drinking like a Fish. My Male 'Little Brain' was not any more active than my Male 'Large Brain' when trashed regularly.

That said, I couldn't resist recycling this Sentence from the OP with just one word substituted:

'I really understand that there is zero future with an active Adulterer, I get it, I really do, and I do not want that life for myself, ever again.'

The problem with People who fool around is that - well - they continue to fool around. History is the best predictor of future behavior.

Take care...

desypete

its true i have yet to find one of them types of people who are unhappy with how there lives are

that is real beauty to me these days but i couldn't see it before, as i was like the rest to obsessed with my own poor sad life than anyone else misfortunes

lillamy

Yep. A person who cheats with you will cheat on you.

I have a pretty simple measuring stick that I use to measure my own behavior and the behavior of men I encounter.

For me: If I would not do it with my husband present, I should not do it.
For men I encounter: If I would not be fine with my husband doing it with another woman, I should not be doing it with another man.

"He makes me happy" is the shittiest excuse ever for being with a married man, even if there's no actual sexual activities happening. It's signing yourself up for a world of hurt, even if you don't care about the questionable morality of hanging out with another woman's husband.