987g

Well I normally don't post here, unless I'm all out of options and well, I'm back again because if I don't get some insight my head just might explode. I'll try to keep my story short and sweet!

One of my child hood friends is a recovering alcoholic. I've been around his family for as long as I can remember. Last summer, we started hanging out more one on one. After a trip to the movies one night and invite inside to watch TV afterwards, I decided to ask him if there was anything between us or if we were just friends. I'm kind of awkward about that stuff anyways and he told me that he wasn't ready to date anyone and didn't want to define a relationship because he always ***** on them. He was newly sober then and just got out of a relationship with a psycho. So ok, that sounded good to me, no hard feelings. I figured honestly we probably wouldn't hang out that much after that.

But we did. And he treated me more and more like a girlfriend. Nothing ever got physical but people assumed we were dating (even his family) and we didn't really deny it. He warned me that winter is a depressing time of year for him (I already knew this) and sure enough, the closer we got to winter, the more distant he became. It was like a push-pull kind of thing. One week he would disappear, not really say much to me and the next week we were hanging out and texting all day.

He would make comments that he didn't want to put effort into a relationship, that he wasn't interested in having a girlfriend, that he liked being by himself, he was a better person when he was alone, ect. Before he was serious about recovery, he had always had a girlfriend or had been with someone, going from relationship to relationship.
One night someone had asked him what the longest time he had ever been single was. It had been 3 months since had broken up with his last girlfriend. However, the person who asked him didn't really believe his answer because here he was, hanging out with me, without the label.

We ended up getting into a fight right after the holidays. A big fight. It was one of the fights that came out of nowhere and completely blind sided me. I don't even really get what we were fighting about for so long (it lasted for 3 months!). I told him that I would go away if he wanted but I wasn't going to make myself look like a fool trying to be friends with someone who didn't even to like me much. And with that, he came back around and winter was over (literally, it was now spring time). This fight ruined any dating chances we had going on, I felt like we were barely friends.

Then his one year sobriety date came a few weeks later. I knew that when he was a year sober, he would get a girlfriend and quick. And that is exactly what happened! Within days he was talking to this girl. Dropped her. Then the next week he's in a relationship with someone else. And now that he is in a relationship, our friendship is hanging by a thread. And I will admit I do have feelings for him and I told him that straight up. I got the most confusing response and I have no idea what the hell it means.

Is the extremes in relationships (even friendships) normal for a recovering alcoholic? Like one week he's all sunshine and roses and the next it's lightening and thunderstorms?

Pia

Can I ask WHY you want to even date a "recovering alcoholic"

As you can see it's hard already..

I married my childhood friend and now were divorcing.

littlesister1

Honestly? He doesn't sound like he treats his friends well, I would question whether or not you wanted to be in ANY sort of relationship where someone yanks you around like that.
It IS NOT YOU

This is who he is.

isitme

I agree with the other two posters, I think he's pretty much already shown you who he is. I don't think I'd want to be in a relationship like that. I'd keep it as friends and find someone who had the capacity and availability to treat you how you would like to be treated.

lillamy

AXH had maybe three friends when we were married, none of them living in the same town where we lived. I would say alcohol affects all your relationships. And I would guess recovery, being the roller coaster it is, may do the same thing.

It sounds like this guy is telling you the truth: He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and he sucks at relationships. And it sounds like you don't really want to believe him. I guess I'm not really sure what it means when you hang out like BF/GF but there's nothing physical involved -- that just sounds like friendship to me? But maybe I don't understand -- I've always had lots of male friends that I haven't been romantically involved with?

SparkleKitty

I'm not clear on what you need help decoding, specifically. It seems that he has had plenty of opportunity to make a real commitment to you and he has declined. His behavior may or may not have anything to do with being an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. The more important thing is that he has shown you who he really is; your next move is to believe him and act accordingly.

You deserve better than what you have been settling for this past year.

Pia

Believe him !!!!!!!!! Believe him !!!!!!!!! Believe him !!!!!!!!!
Believe him please!!!!!!!!! Believe him please!!!!!!!!!

Work on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hammer

Can loan you my decoder ring . . ..





But I think a Crazy 8 Ball may be more helpful.






All joking aside . . . that sounds like A along with some Mental Illness issues.

YOU ARE SO LUCKY to not wind up with this.

OnawaMiniya

When someone tells you bad things about themself...believe them.

You will do better if you believe you are worth better.

Sorry you're feeling so upset.

Peace.

christinastar10

*"He was newly sober then and just got out of a relationship with a psycho."

Love this line! Lol But seriously seems like this guy has a lot to work on. Believe what he tells you. Protect yourself and find someone worth your time.

killerinstinct

he's telling you straight up that he doesn't want a girlfriend because I believe he understands deep down how badly he hurts people and he probably struggles with that, also he probably cares about u a little more than the others so would hurt himself even more of he were to let you down ... it's protection from your higher power - not rejection .. don't be hard on yourself its not that your not desirable... you are and I think that's at the core of your concern... you can't get why their all desirable and your not... far from it you are if he is close to you... your angels are protecting you from a disaster that's all... please don't feel rejected

Sungrl

Nothing really to decode 987. Give him is space. He really needs to work on some issues. Trust me you don't want any part of him while he does. Take care of you.

CodeJob

Oh my 987g, a decoder ring from Hammer! What a lovely gift. My last boss was so controlling we actually had a Magic 8 Ball to provide us great counsel. Whoever was receiving his laser focus would also receive the honor of holding the black ball too.

But you don't need us to decode this. You've got this. The answer to your question (Is the extremes in relationships (even friendships) normal for a recovering alcoholic? Like one week he's all sunshine and roses and the next it's lightening and thunderstorms? ) is yes. But here's an enigma machine just because I think they are cool!