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Hard to watch them come totally undone

Old 06-16-2014, 06:46 AM
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Hard to watch them come totally undone

You know, karma it appears, has come and kicked xAH hard. And I thought when it did, I would be happy and feel vindicated. Instead I just feel sorry for him.

The neighbors who were his drinking pals and who participated in harassment, lying to the police, helped xAH get away with abuse many times etc... have now turned on him and filed a complaint with the school board (his employer). He is losing his job due to this last straw (and due to his own behavior that put him on thin ice to begin with)

Child Protective Services is supporting supervised visitation for him and he can't drive the kids

His reputation he worked so hard to keep shiny and perfect (all a fašade but he worked at it nonetheless) is coming apart

And instead of seeing this as rock bottom and falling to his knees to get some help, he is ranting at me via text, blaming me for all that is crumbling and of course, making no effort to see his kids now that there are limits to his visitation.

He's done this all by himself, I haven't said a negative word about him (other than to speak the facts to the Child protective workers and the court for the ex parte order).

It's really sad to see someone who had so much potential and so much going for him at one time, throw it all away.

And the more he crumbles and tries to reach out and attach blame to me, the easier it is to detach...

Sigh...

I should have nothing but hate and disdain for this man who tried so hard for so long to ruin my life and who has abused me and our kids for years.

Now that I feel some level of protection from him and am not fighting to save myself and my kids from him to the same degree I have been for years, now I just feel pity for him and I am sure things will be getting much worse before they get better if he continues on the path he is on.
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Old 06-16-2014, 06:55 AM
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You are human. You feel sympathy and empathy towards another human being. It is deeper when that person is someone we love or once loved.

Hopefully he will see that he has hit bottom soon and stop digging. In the meantime all you can do is pray for him.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:04 AM
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wth---compassion is a good thing, I think. Always be mindful not to let your "compassion" drift over into softer feelings that undermine your and your childrens' welfare.

Always remember to back up 200 feet.

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Old 06-16-2014, 07:09 AM
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Yeah I am backed up a plenty Dandylion (learned that the hard way)... But it's a salient point and a good reminder...

I have compassion but in a removed sort of way and in a way that tells me there's nothing good that will come of my getting involved in trying to "help" him...

It's hard bc as a codie I feel hard wired to rescue others and he is a perfect candidate... but I have only enough oxygen (to use the airplane metaphor) for my kids and I and he's got his own oxygen mask he can reach for if he so chooses.

I just feel like I am bracing myself for this to get a lot worse for him and preparing to continue to watch him dismantle, brick by brick, the good life and opportunities he had....
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:16 AM
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Yeah, I hear you. If he is narcissistic--I mean disorder level narcissism....one must never be lulled into giving them any slack---it will come back to bite you every time.
There is an old saying---"Offer the hand and they take the arm".

How do I know?.....I was married to one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 06-16-2014, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Child Protective Services is supporting supervised visitation for him and he can't drive the kids
Hooray!!!!Soooo happy for this!

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

It's really sad to see someone who had so much potential and so much going for him at one time, throw it all away.

I should have nothing but hate and disdain for this man who tried so hard for so long to ruin my life and who has abused me and our kids for years.
Compassion is healthy. Hate and disdain are such negative emotions and can really overshadow all that's positive in your world. It just takes too much energy to hate, you've got better things to do. JMHO
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:42 AM
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Hugs. I know that feeling. I've sat in the same court room as AXH and seen him grayish yellow, unable to completely follow the court proceedings, seen the judge go back and explain to him like he was five...

There's no joy in seeing a human being you once loved disintegrate. No matter how much they have hurt you. None.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:45 AM
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It was bound to happen WTBH, and I think beyond your Codie tendencies, it's natural to feel compassion for him as you watch the depths he has chosen to sink to simply because he will always be the father of your children.

Can I also just say, GOOD. Good, great, awesome, I'm-so-freaking-glad that FINALLY finally FINALLY someone (other than you) is taking this seriously for your girls' sake. It sucks that it comes down to needing others to corroborate the abuses that you endured & are trying to protect your kids from, but I'm so thankful for you that FINALLY someone else is helping your case & not his.

I think you're smart to brace yourself, I agree it is likely to get a lot worse & he is likely to get even more unpredictable as this progresses.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:48 AM
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he is losing his job as an educator, teacher, state govt. employee (unless it is a private school, IDK), along with all the perks most fight so hard to keep as it involves health insurance, paid vacation, a decent salary, a good pension later on.

But is this really the kind of person you want to be around the kids that he supervises all day. Someone who drinks before work, drinks and drives, endangering others.

Nope, no compassion here...I value the kids and am glad they will now be in the hands of someone who cares.

And there are 10 qualified teachers standing in line to take his job who would be glad to have it. They won't be drinking before work.
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Old 06-16-2014, 07:59 AM
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I think during the times we are so full of anger, we think there will be a haha moment when it all falls apart for them. As we become more healthy, it's natural to let go of some of that anger because if you don't you are simply hurting yourself.

It is sad when someone lets their life fall apart like that. Sad for him, for his children, for you.

I am glad you have detatched and are no longer in danger, same for your children. You turned him over to God, only he can make the right choices.

My XAH came into the house the other day ranting and raving about things that happened when I was not even present that day. It was crazy nuts and I calmly made him leave. The thing is, he is only hurting himself and digging his hole even deeper.

Fact is, alcoholism is progressive and as it progresses it makes bigger and bigger negative effects to the addicts life. It's very sad to sit by and watch that happen. I am not sorry he has consequences, just sorry for all that has happened to you and your kids.

Big Hugs.
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Old 06-16-2014, 08:08 AM
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I am not sure what happened with the allegations of sex abuse on your children. But I remember your children's therapist feeling compelled to make a call right away.

If these allegations are true, he has no business being around any children. I struggle with compassion for anyone capable of hurting a child.
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Old 06-16-2014, 08:30 AM
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Fact is, alcoholism is progressive and as it progresses it makes bigger and bigger negative effects to the addicts life. It's very sad to sit by and watch that happen. I am not sorry he has consequences, just sorry for all that has happened to you and your kids.
It is sad. That's all I think. I don't have more or less compassion for him. It just is what it is. The job losses and mental health struggles are all part of his choice to continue drinking despite having the tools at hand to choose other, healthier coping methods. I just call it as it is, without any rage or hope, either way. It just is.

With my narcissistic ex, I just maintain my distance. His relationship with my son is consistent but consistently disappointing for DS14. I just call it as it is, without any rage or hope, either way. It just is.

People ask about my STBXAH, and they especially want to know how heartbroken I am and whether or not I still love him and long for him. The truth is that the guy I knew and loved is long gone, and I mourned that so long ago, and the guy that's here is so broken down that there's no comparison. It was a lot like a death. The old way, the old life, the old guy is gone. Just like him, I'm forever changed. It just is!
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