readerbaby71

Wednesday night my BF had a relapse and did not come home until about 9:00 Thursday night. Things have been going well--he's been doing tons of art and is opening his studio to the public. There are a few negative things that happened in the days leading up to it (really, it's irrelevant, nothing is an excuse to drink and disappear). **** happens and he still needs to learn how to deal with daily life.

He was drinking down by the river and got so ****** up he couldn't even get up to come home until the following evening. It's dangerous. It's been 7 months since he's done this and pretty much everything else in our relationship has been good lately. I still don't know what I want to do regarding this situation. I'm just biding my time and taking care of me. As they say more will be revealed. I won't go through another summer of this nonsense.

Anyway, I'm okay thanks to support from friends and family and a solid recovery program of my own.

lillamy

You do sound OK. Disappointed, but detached. Take care of yourself.(((hugs))))

readerbaby71

I'm okay now, but that sick feeling and anxiety when he was gone reared its ugly head bigtime. I cannot live like that.

Mango blast

Is he doing anything different/positive now to actively work his recovery? Was there remorse WITH action - anything to start dealing with the fact that it happened and could conceivably happen again?

May you find things to do different/positive yourself.
(((hugs)))

lillamy

I get that. And it's unfair to you -- it's unfair to anyone you share your life with to just disappear without a trace and then come traipsing back in as if nothing happened. It's selfish and not respectful. I don't care if you live with a wife, a parent, a child, a significant other, a room mate, or a girlfriend. You don't treat people you love like that.

Hammer

THAT's the stuff, girlfriend.

Remember -- they can go crazy. WE do not go with them.

readerbaby71

He is always remorseful. He hadn't been working a program except going to therapy and doing some meditation. He's supposedly recommitting himself to AA and getting a sponsor. I feel like I just don't care. I mean, it's sad that he will lose everything if he continues down this path but there's nothing I can do about that. I think this time of year is a trigger for him as his mom died of cancer the summer he turned 11. I am going to mention this to him. I understand self-destructive behavior that crops up due to past events. Mine used to happen in January. Luckily I'm aware of it now, but it took a long time to work through and even realize what was going on with me.

I truly hope he can get it together.

Mango blast

You have a good understanding. Without reaching out and changing what we're doing, nothing changes, but we have no control over their recovery.

Is there currently any fun or happiness in your life? That's what's been missing most for me and ironically, my T session led me back to my physical health. Wishing you much joy in your life, wherever you find it! Somehow with all the details of recovery, I too often forget this part of it.

readerbaby71

I am very lucky to have great friends and family. I have a lot of joy in my life, and like to have fun. We are going to CA for my friend's wedding in July, and I asked him to really think about whether he can handle it or not. I will go alone if he can't. This is very important to me and I want it to be a joyful occasion for everyone, not worrying about whether he can be around a bunch of people who are drinking. While I'd love to take him there to meet my friends and show him around Northern CA, I have no problem with him staying home if that's what he needs to do for himself and for my own mental health.

The other night when I was freaking out I called my good friend who's been sober for almost 20 years. I went over to his house and we talked and laughed and went for a drive. I wasn't feeling my best, but it's amazing how the anxiety dissipated when I was with him. There are little things I do too--going swimming, bike riding, taking walks with my dogs, etc. that fill me with happiness. So yeah, I am very fortunate to have a lot of laughter and joy in my life. For many years I was very depressed so I am grateful to have what I do now.

FireSprite

I'm so sorry this happened RB, but you really do sound strong & balanced. I know from experience that that doesn't make it suck any less though.

Your post brought back a flood of memories for me. My RAH was known for just disappearing when he'd binge like that & would stay disappeared throughout the resulting hangover. I can still recall that feeling of dread pitted deep in my stomach just thinking about it. It's a terribly cruel way to treat someone you love for any reason, and really hard to detach from IMO. You make it sound like a cakewalk, so GO YOU!

I hope the rest of your weekend was calm & drama free, you deserve no less!

Croissant

Readerbaby...your determination to put your recovery first shines through in this thread. It's evident you care about your boyfriend, but are not prepared to add his shaky relationship with alcohol to your equation.

It's true, if he's not prepared to fight for his life, then why should you put yourself through the craziness as well.

Best wishes....I'm sure it's very tough, but you need to find peace.

CodeJob

Sorry to hear of the relapse. But your reaction sounds very strong and positive. Totally know what you mean about simple joys.

Yesterday I had the best time people watching and watching the wind move the trees. I recently got contacts so it was fun to see things with crisp detail! Such a simple thing but it really gave me great joy. Seriously was thinking of people as moving art with all the exposed tattoos. The culture has changed so much towards them it is really something to see. Of course most of the tattoos are quite questionable in quality and meaning, which my sarcastic self truly finds amusing. But the idea of marking my first path thru the 12 steps is playing in the back of my mind.

Peace ReaderBaby!

readerbaby71

Ha, cakewalk it definitely is not!!! Thank you all for yourr kind words. They really help me with being less hard on myself. xo

HopefulinFLA

Ya, that feeling is the worst, and it's what motivates me to keep working on myself.

So sorry this happened RB. You really do sound like you're handling it exceptionally well.