I feel like I'm the crazy one.
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I don't know if the phone conversation took place - I haven't heard from my father yet.
Hawkeye, I hated that email. I did see it as controlling and manipulative. It hurt deeply. I have slowly seen our relationship changing... maybe it's me pushing too much, too far... maybe it's the problem getting worse. Maybe it's both. His "F**k you!" - words I never could have imagined coming from him. I see the dynamic between his parents - his mother has been emotionally and verbally beaten into submission by his father. She has told me "Men don't like a lot of emotion, so you have to keep that to yourself". She justifies his hanging up, his ignoring me, his anger and frustration, his drinking. She, herself, drinks every night - brandy. She says it's for her tinnitus. And nobody's going to tell her she can't have it. There's the door, if they do.
His father - I've never really cared for. He has "joked" with me when we've gone out to dinner together, and I just get a water... he'll make a comment like "easy there, you're driving". SOMETHING to point out the fact that I'm NOT drinking.
Ugh. I need to focus on ME... but I know I need to see ALL that I've been not wanting to see, or pretending not to see, or seeing and convincing myself that it wasn't that bad. He IS a great guy, but I don't see a happy ending with him. I see all the pain and hurt and confusion and financial ruin that so many here have posted about.
I know it's wrong and immature for me to think this way... and I pray that my thinking turns to more positive thoughts as I begin to heal... but there is a part of me that wants to see him spiral out of control, so I can say "see... it wasn't me". Although, the part of me that loves him dearly, wants him to get help before he reaches that point.
There are just far too many people in his life helping him justify his drinking. I'm the only one in the way.
Hawkeye, I hated that email. I did see it as controlling and manipulative. It hurt deeply. I have slowly seen our relationship changing... maybe it's me pushing too much, too far... maybe it's the problem getting worse. Maybe it's both. His "F**k you!" - words I never could have imagined coming from him. I see the dynamic between his parents - his mother has been emotionally and verbally beaten into submission by his father. She has told me "Men don't like a lot of emotion, so you have to keep that to yourself". She justifies his hanging up, his ignoring me, his anger and frustration, his drinking. She, herself, drinks every night - brandy. She says it's for her tinnitus. And nobody's going to tell her she can't have it. There's the door, if they do.
His father - I've never really cared for. He has "joked" with me when we've gone out to dinner together, and I just get a water... he'll make a comment like "easy there, you're driving". SOMETHING to point out the fact that I'm NOT drinking.
Ugh. I need to focus on ME... but I know I need to see ALL that I've been not wanting to see, or pretending not to see, or seeing and convincing myself that it wasn't that bad. He IS a great guy, but I don't see a happy ending with him. I see all the pain and hurt and confusion and financial ruin that so many here have posted about.
I know it's wrong and immature for me to think this way... and I pray that my thinking turns to more positive thoughts as I begin to heal... but there is a part of me that wants to see him spiral out of control, so I can say "see... it wasn't me". Although, the part of me that loves him dearly, wants him to get help before he reaches that point.
There are just far too many people in his life helping him justify his drinking. I'm the only one in the way.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
The last time I went to visit my family (they live out of state), I felt such a sense of freedom in being able to get up and on the road early. Not having to wait for him. Not feeling guilty for waking him up "early". Not having to see how tired, worn out and exhausted he looked if he did. Not having to feel that pang in my gut when he asked what time I'd like to be on the road knowing that if it was "something crazy, like 9am" he'd do it but wasn't going to be happy about it.
I asked him to go to church with me - no pressure. He said he "used to go to church all the time, until they changed the service to 11am." Does he even hear how ridiculous that sounds?? He has always been an "I'll be ready in 7 minutes" guy.. and the church is less than 2 miles away. THIS is something I hated. I'm not a morning person - I love to sleep in, too. But knowing that if anything involving friends/family - or any activity, for that matter - started before 10am, I'd be going alone. Even 10am was a struggle for him. That part, I'm not going to miss.
I'm not going to miss having to be home at a certain time so he can start his "routine" - unless we happen to be out somewhere and he has a couple drinks while we're out, then he'll finish with his "routine" when he gets back home.
I'm not going to miss listening to him complain about how much his stomach is bothering him.. when all I want to scream is "it's the scotch!!"
I'm not going to miss hearing him say he's looking forward to being able to "relax and have a drink" in every context - when talking about the weekend, the night, at dinner, at a show, after work, going on vacation, on a cruise, out with friends, etc. etc. etc.
I'm not going to miss seeing how the alcohol is affecting his body and appearance.
I'm not going to miss hearing him say, with pride, "Got a clean bill of health!" when he comes back from the doctor.
I'm not going to miss the slurred "Good night" or hearing him stumble when he gets up at night to use the bathroom.
*sigh*
Thank you for letting me process this "out loud"... I have to get it out of my head, and typing it out helps.
I asked him to go to church with me - no pressure. He said he "used to go to church all the time, until they changed the service to 11am." Does he even hear how ridiculous that sounds?? He has always been an "I'll be ready in 7 minutes" guy.. and the church is less than 2 miles away. THIS is something I hated. I'm not a morning person - I love to sleep in, too. But knowing that if anything involving friends/family - or any activity, for that matter - started before 10am, I'd be going alone. Even 10am was a struggle for him. That part, I'm not going to miss.
I'm not going to miss having to be home at a certain time so he can start his "routine" - unless we happen to be out somewhere and he has a couple drinks while we're out, then he'll finish with his "routine" when he gets back home.
I'm not going to miss listening to him complain about how much his stomach is bothering him.. when all I want to scream is "it's the scotch!!"
I'm not going to miss hearing him say he's looking forward to being able to "relax and have a drink" in every context - when talking about the weekend, the night, at dinner, at a show, after work, going on vacation, on a cruise, out with friends, etc. etc. etc.
I'm not going to miss seeing how the alcohol is affecting his body and appearance.
I'm not going to miss hearing him say, with pride, "Got a clean bill of health!" when he comes back from the doctor.
I'm not going to miss the slurred "Good night" or hearing him stumble when he gets up at night to use the bathroom.
*sigh*
Thank you for letting me process this "out loud"... I have to get it out of my head, and typing it out helps.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by BrokenInPieces 
That's the thing that kept me stuck, Hawkeye. Everything else about him is everything that I've ever wanted in a man/partner. Everything. Except the drinking.
It's a hard pill to swallow when everyone says "It's your problem, not his" - - and while, I understand that perspective on this, it doesn't make it any easier going down.
It's a hard pill to swallow when everyone says "It's your problem, not his" - - and while, I understand that perspective on this, it doesn't make it any easier going down.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
Finally spoke with my father tonight. He didn't bring up the phone call, so I did. Turns out they did speak a couple days ago. My father said xbf was "very concerned" about me. He said our relationship has been tumultuous, and my emotional state worries him. He explained his drinking and my problem with it. He told my father that he loved me dearly, had wanted to marry me, but that he felt it was best for him to walk away from the relationship.
So... There's that. Not horrible, but still... I'm numb, but at the same time feeling hopeful for me. I have my issues, but I'm working on them. Far better than continuing to walk around in a fog of denial on the path of self-destruction.
So... There's that. Not horrible, but still... I'm numb, but at the same time feeling hopeful for me. I have my issues, but I'm working on them. Far better than continuing to walk around in a fog of denial on the path of self-destruction.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
My ex had a very high set of standards for other people's behavior, especially as it affected him. He did not see any need to hold himself to that same standard. Why should he? Excuses are easy and plentiful.
I used to see him as the "one with the problem" also. I was fine. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't go out causing trouble and starting fights and creating drama.
It took me a long time to understand that staying in an unhealthy relationship, accepting unacceptable behavior and reacting to his crazymaking was MY problem. He was just doing what active alcoholics do. What was my excuse?
Attending Alanon, working the steps and individual therapy are helping me to sort through the emotional wreckage of that relationship and to understand why staying stuck in a relationship with an active alcoholic seemed like such a terrific way to spend my life.
Take care of you, because you sure can't change him.
I used to see him as the "one with the problem" also. I was fine. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't go out causing trouble and starting fights and creating drama.
It took me a long time to understand that staying in an unhealthy relationship, accepting unacceptable behavior and reacting to his crazymaking was MY problem. He was just doing what active alcoholics do. What was my excuse?
Attending Alanon, working the steps and individual therapy are helping me to sort through the emotional wreckage of that relationship and to understand why staying stuck in a relationship with an active alcoholic seemed like such a terrific way to spend my life.
Take care of you, because you sure can't change him.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
It may not be "horrible" but you do see it for what it is, don't you?
He's trying to extend the gas lighting BS fog so that he has more people (including your father)
thinking you're the "unstable" one with the problem and he's reasonable and sane.
The more I hear about this guy, the happier I am for you that it's over.
It is really, finally over isn't it?
He's trying to extend the gas lighting BS fog so that he has more people (including your father)
thinking you're the "unstable" one with the problem and he's reasonable and sane.
The more I hear about this guy, the happier I am for you that it's over.
It is really, finally over isn't it?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I made the mistake of speaking with my stepmother yesterday. I should have known before I dialed that the phone call would do more harm than good. Those phone calls always do.
If there's one thing I can count on my parents for, it's an all out emotional beat down. And yet, I still f**king dialed. I never learn.
She came at me with hurtful accusations, remarks, and criticisms. She brought up my past relationships and how i handled them, and how I was the problem then, too. She has been telling me for years that I need to "get a life!". When I say anything in response, I get "See? This is what (xbf) is talking about. Right away you get defensive".
My dad had shared with xbf that he, himself, enjoys a couple glasses of wine every night and has for many years, so if that's how xbf likes to relax at the end of the day, he understands. My dad said to me "Do you think maybe you are creating a problem where there isn't one?" He also told xbf there was "Good (me)" and "Bad (me)" and you never know which one you're going to get.
So tomorrow I am calling to get an appointment for therapy. The relationship with xbf is clearly not the only one I need to address. I saw a therapist for a couple years back in my 20's who really helped me through a difficult time. I stopped going when, at the end of a visit, he said "next time, let's begin exploring the relationship with your mother". I never went back.
So many times I feel like I am the punching bag and when I finally say enough, all I get is "you're being defensive" or "you're too sensitive" or "you can't take anything". If I react with any emotion, it's "See? You're completely out of control".
I've lost other important relationships in my life. Most, honestly, I can see and accept why they ended. But, even with that understanding, when I am alone, I can't help but think "I'm the common denominator. What do I keep doing wrong??"
I suck at life.
If there's one thing I can count on my parents for, it's an all out emotional beat down. And yet, I still f**king dialed. I never learn.
She came at me with hurtful accusations, remarks, and criticisms. She brought up my past relationships and how i handled them, and how I was the problem then, too. She has been telling me for years that I need to "get a life!". When I say anything in response, I get "See? This is what (xbf) is talking about. Right away you get defensive".
My dad had shared with xbf that he, himself, enjoys a couple glasses of wine every night and has for many years, so if that's how xbf likes to relax at the end of the day, he understands. My dad said to me "Do you think maybe you are creating a problem where there isn't one?" He also told xbf there was "Good (me)" and "Bad (me)" and you never know which one you're going to get.
So tomorrow I am calling to get an appointment for therapy. The relationship with xbf is clearly not the only one I need to address. I saw a therapist for a couple years back in my 20's who really helped me through a difficult time. I stopped going when, at the end of a visit, he said "next time, let's begin exploring the relationship with your mother". I never went back.
So many times I feel like I am the punching bag and when I finally say enough, all I get is "you're being defensive" or "you're too sensitive" or "you can't take anything". If I react with any emotion, it's "See? You're completely out of control".
I've lost other important relationships in my life. Most, honestly, I can see and accept why they ended. But, even with that understanding, when I am alone, I can't help but think "I'm the common denominator. What do I keep doing wrong??"
I suck at life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
You learned things as a child, but you can unlearn them as an adult.
I did the exact same thing, but I'm changing and so can you.
You are right-clearly a link between family you came from and relationships.
This, believe it or not, may be the light at the end of the tunnel.
You haven't answered me about is it the end with this guy?
He's turning your own family on you. What else do you need to convince you this isn't good for you?
Congrats on therapy appt.
You aren't the problem, in case I didn't make that clear.
But you are your own solution. Go for it
I did the exact same thing, but I'm changing and so can you.
You are right-clearly a link between family you came from and relationships.
This, believe it or not, may be the light at the end of the tunnel.
You haven't answered me about is it the end with this guy?
He's turning your own family on you. What else do you need to convince you this isn't good for you?
Congrats on therapy appt.
You aren't the problem, in case I didn't make that clear.
But you are your own solution. Go for it
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