Katchie

This is weighing heavy on my heart and the decision can mean a big change in schools for my boys, a disruption I'd like to avoid in my sons junior and sophmore years. To begin, is having too much on an alcoholics plate a good thing or a bad thing in recovery, especially early on? My husband, as you know, is the coach of my sons basketball team. When he was full on drinking he embarrassed my sons and they were beginning to really resent him, especially my youngest biological son who was verging on hatred of his dad. I got to the point in the middle of the season where I was determined he wouldn't coach them any longer because he was endangering them by driving too, not to mention other players on occasion. I promised the boys he wouldn't coach them anymore, but now he is doing well. This gives me new worries. Is it now going to be too stressful for him to coach another season? It isn't his job; he has a full time job already and coaches "full" time when season is on and to some extent in off season too, like now with summer ball. I'm just worried that it will be too much pressure and cause a relapse; or, is keeping this busy a good thing? I hope I'm making sense. I know in my mind that I cannot prevent/cause a relapse if it should happen though at the same time I want to protect my boys. Maybe this is the codie in me?? Again, I know I have no control and perhaps I'm trying to control it...I don't know. I feel like I'm in such a pickle.
If my H doesn't coach my boys, we will have to make a big school change and a lot of other people will be affected adversely because of that decision.
Maybe in the big scheme of life it doesn't matter but it does in the immediate picture.

iSPAZ

In my experience we can make them drink or make them start drinking anymore than we can make them stop. If he feels under too much pressure he has the choice to communicate that to you. Be the best mom and spouse you can be and take care of yourself. Sounds like he is taking positive steps. Busy may be what he needs and be the best thing for his recovery.

Flavia2

So do the boys want him to coach? I'd just back up what your kids want and try to emotionally stay out of it. He's going to drink if he wants to drink- any excuse will do.

Katchie

I've asked them this and I can't get a straight answer from them.

Hawkeye13

I'd ask them again.
The social stigma of teens is famously sensitive.

Tell them if they want back up from you, they need to speak up or you will
leave them to resolve it with your husband.

Then, stay out of it.
They aren't young kids and they need to learn to express their feelings and quit stuffing.
I did this with my AM after she humiliated me many times in public and saying how you feel is a "normal" way to deal with issues which only comes with practice.

If you try to moderate / mitigate the whole process, you would be acting a bit codie in my view.

Reminding your sons that this needs to be resolved and having them act on it is something else.

I wanted to tell you how happy for you I am Katchie that your husband is doing so well.
It really was looking grim for awhile and it is great that he is stepping up.

I hope you are remembering to keep taking care of you as much as you are worrying
about everyone else in the family

dandylion

Katchie--If you don't get a straight answer--I'll bet that their answer is "no" but they are just reluctant to tell you the truth. (my best GUESS). You state that you DID promise them that he wouldn't coach them any more......

This is not your situation.....I played women's soccer and I would sometimes fill in as substitute coach for my kids teams---the other kids seemed to love me...and my kids HATED it.......?????!! Whaaat? Now...get this....my middle son, an excellent player, would beg me to let him come and practice with my women's team (we needed extra bodies for scrimmage games).....because he seemed to loove the attention that the women and girls showered on him. Yet, he didn't like me coaching his own team. ????

I think that teens are easily embarrassed by their own parents. I hate that--but, from all that I can see..that seems to be the norm.
This is probably of no help in your particular dilemma--just thought I would share...

Your husband has only been sober for 3 months, I believe. That is a very long time for him but he is still in very early recovery. Things sound relatively stable, right now--but, personally, I have always been reluctant to get off a winning horse in the middle of the stream.

I get it that any decision about kids schooling at this age is very tricky---much more so than when they are smaller.

dandylion