Janq

The responses to my other thread were so helpful that I thought I would try again. This is so hard.

I am so lonely right now that I want to go back. He is not drinking and almost behaving like the person I fell in love with. I can't go back, and I can't ever forgive him for the things he did to me when he was out of control, but at the same time, I'm so lonely and I've been so isolated for so long that I don't have any friends and am not able to talk with anyone in my family, either. I'm living in an unfamiliar place and the ache of being alone is just unbearable.

I have to see him for a while soon for visitation with our child. I know how much he wants me back. I can't do that, and yet I'm drawn to talk with him (more than I should, and with less distance than I should keep). I'm also afraid of what's going to happen when he realizes that I'm really not coming back - my therapist said I should be very careful and wary of an escalation whether he's drinking or not.

I'm so unhappy. I should be happy that I'm out and not going back, but instead I'm sad and lonely. I know that in time I'll be able to build a social circle and not feel this way, but it is terrible now and now is when I most need someone.

What can I do to get through this without losing it? I have to hold it together to keep my job and take care of my child.

Refiner

I would get a dog. Seriously.

lillamy

I'm sorry you're hurting.

You're asking how to get through things without losing it. My answer would be: Find an Al-Anon meeting. I'm serious. Nobody understands our situation like other people who have lived through life with an addict.

Hugs

honeypig

This. ^^^^^

Alanon will give you support, educate you and give you access to a whole circle of friends who know where you've been. Here's a link to find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

My world had become very small, too, and it's amazing how big and beautiful it really is once you get out into it and really see!

catlovermi

It DOES feel devastatingly lonely when one begins to de-enmesh with an addict!

I'm sorry you are hurting, Janq.

One great thing to do is to volunteer with other lonelies - spend some time with animals at your local shelter, petting, grooming, re-assuring, playing! They've been abandoned AND can't talk about it!

Another great idea is to find a creative project to get into.

Keep coming back, it really does help to fling your thoughts out to your support group and hear things back, so you know you are not alone in the universe!

CLMI

iSPAZ

Janq - It does get better. It takes time to build your friend network as most likely you have been somewhat isolated. I am one month shy of two years since xaw left and 1.5 years since divorce was final. I was soooooooo lonely. I did not want to go to bars or places where there are out of control drinking so my social choices are limited. I do attend al-anon and it helps. It does get better but it really sucks at first. Today I am planning a busy weekend of going to the motorcycle drag races, planning a long motorcycle ride and taking the jetski to the lake. I could not even get out of bed the first few months. Some days i would have to crawl to the shower. I don't see how it could have gotten much worse without dying. Put yourself first and find people to be around. Step outside your comfort zone. I promise it does get better. One foot in front of the other for a while if you have to. We are here for you. Keep posting when you need help. You have been through a lot and as time goes by things will come more into perspective. It is so painful but you can and will get better if you work to make it better. You are a strong person to endure what you have endured.

Florence

Someone here told me: It's okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes. It's especially okay to feel uncomfortable if it's about meeting your goal.

Think like it's a diet, or you're squeezing your budget for extra money. You're squeezing him out because he's bad for you and it's hard because change is hard. But eventually it won't be hard because it's the new normal.

If you feel lonely and sad, find something else to feel and a way to feel it. They're just feelings, not facts. I started healing after I started sinking my energy into cleaning my house (REALLY cleaning it and getting rid of a lot of physical baggage), started biking with my kids (exercise and fun time), gardening (weeding is a surprisingly good method of dealing with anger), and got outside more often. Every day. When I do these things, my mood is so far up in the atmosphere that the weather doesn't matter to me. Depression and loneliness I used to deal with all the time is now non-existent. I can feel my mood slip when I am not vigilant about having this time and I know how much I need it. What's your biking, where is your garden? Do more of that.

I've been there. You WILL get through it if you stick to it.

Aiko

Sorry Janq,

But you deserve to enjoy life... If he does not want to change...
you have to follow your course!
And for your child too!!!

Concentrate in your job, your child,...
And need to start looking for Hiking groups, new hobbies, join classes, anything social...

I am on the other side of the fence. my friends left me cos I my drinking+usage...
and I am lonely too... but I am doing all I can to get a new life!
But to have a new life you need to be Proactive!

Hang in there...
NOTHING STAYS THE SAME,
EVERYTHING CHANGES!
THIS IS TEMPORAL!

Hope you overcome it and feel better soon!
And you are never alone you have the love of a child... PRICELESS!