reaching more enlightenment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 39
reaching more enlightenment
Seeing this specific therapist, posting/reading things on here has really put my situation into perspective.
I mentioned in another post that I was always scared to cut him out , had panic attacks at the thought of him no longer being in my life. What he did to me, how he treated me after the pregnancy loss still hurts but I understand now that it's just him being an alcoholic. He did not/does not have the capacity to be there for me, or to handle an emotionally difficult situation in a responsible way. He essentially blames me, and that's ok because I didn't do anything wrong....it's easier for him to place blame elsewhere.
And then I think, I do not want a man like that in my life. Welcoming him back will mean endless heartache and drama at a time when I need people who can provide emotional support. This fall I will have 4 college course, be working 30 hours a week, and possibly have a very important internship on top of that. His....disease....emotional abuse etc has already cost me mentally, emotionally and financially (missing work, medical bills from pregnancy loss which he said he would pay but never did, therapy)...I can't let it affect my life anymore.
He can have his drinking, sleeping around, lying, cycling through women, surrounding himself with enablers.
I am on a better path to doing good things.
I mentioned in another post that I was always scared to cut him out , had panic attacks at the thought of him no longer being in my life. What he did to me, how he treated me after the pregnancy loss still hurts but I understand now that it's just him being an alcoholic. He did not/does not have the capacity to be there for me, or to handle an emotionally difficult situation in a responsible way. He essentially blames me, and that's ok because I didn't do anything wrong....it's easier for him to place blame elsewhere.
And then I think, I do not want a man like that in my life. Welcoming him back will mean endless heartache and drama at a time when I need people who can provide emotional support. This fall I will have 4 college course, be working 30 hours a week, and possibly have a very important internship on top of that. His....disease....emotional abuse etc has already cost me mentally, emotionally and financially (missing work, medical bills from pregnancy loss which he said he would pay but never did, therapy)...I can't let it affect my life anymore.
He can have his drinking, sleeping around, lying, cycling through women, surrounding himself with enablers.
I am on a better path to doing good things.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Hi NorthofWest,
I completely understand your feelings. I too struggle with the anxiety of not having xbf in my life. I am on a NC course right now , perspective is comming. Kudos for your understanding that he does not have the capacity to be there for you. That says alot about your self esteem. Keep up with the positive thoughts!
I completely understand your feelings. I too struggle with the anxiety of not having xbf in my life. I am on a NC course right now , perspective is comming. Kudos for your understanding that he does not have the capacity to be there for you. That says alot about your self esteem. Keep up with the positive thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
It sounds like you are making good progress!! You have come to terms with the reality of the situation. An A cannot be an emotionally supportive partner. I know because I have been there. I lost 3 pregnancies and my AH decided to go visit a friend in another city on the day of my D&C surgery. What person would leave their wife alone, emotionally devastated on such a traumatic day? An Alcoholic, thats who.
I stayed with him after that and we eventually had 2 children and I can tell you, it wont get better as far as emotional support. He is not there for me or the kids because he is so wrapped up in himself. 12 years later he is still emotionally unavailable and undependable and now we are divorcing. This is not the type of partner you want. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Trust your gut, it is right on.
I stayed with him after that and we eventually had 2 children and I can tell you, it wont get better as far as emotional support. He is not there for me or the kids because he is so wrapped up in himself. 12 years later he is still emotionally unavailable and undependable and now we are divorcing. This is not the type of partner you want. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Trust your gut, it is right on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by unsureoffuture 
It sounds like you are making good progress!! You have come to terms with the reality of the situation. An A cannot be an emotionally supportive partner. I know because I have been there. I lost 3 pregnancies and my AH decided to go visit a friend in another city on the day of my D&C surgery. What person would leave their wife alone, emotionally devastated on such a traumatic day? An Alcoholic, thats who.
I stayed with him after that and we eventually had 2 children and I can tell you, it wont get better as far as emotional support. He is not there for me or the kids because he is so wrapped up in himself. 12 years later he is still emotionally unavailable and undependable and now we are divorcing. This is not the type of partner you want. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Trust your gut, it is right on.
I stayed with him after that and we eventually had 2 children and I can tell you, it wont get better as far as emotional support. He is not there for me or the kids because he is so wrapped up in himself. 12 years later he is still emotionally unavailable and undependable and now we are divorcing. This is not the type of partner you want. You are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself. Trust your gut, it is right on.
i had a moment where i was going to unblock him on facebook and look at his page, but i came right to this site and read through a lot of posts. He is just not my problem anymore and i dont need to see posts of him pretending to be a good person, or mocking me and the loss.
I'm continuing with therapy to help me continue to move forward. Ive noticed I do not like men touching me (well, straight men) or flirting with me or looking at me in a certain way (ladies, you know what im talking about). I just get flashes of him and that night and how he (pretended) to be so loving and caring....the look on his face when he asked if i was on BC and then how he went for it even after i said i wasn't. (yea yea, im partially at fault on that for letting it happen).
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
"God, guide me toward those who can give me what I need, and help me to pray for the ones who can't." I learned that in Al Anon and it has really helped me. Active alcoholics, and even sometimes sober ones, are unable to really bond with another person and have a meaningful, intimate relationship. My therapist says that when we hang on to such a relationship, we can't receive anything new, but when we let go, we have empty hands. It's only when our hands are empty can we receive new things and all life has to offer. Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight
"God, guide me toward those who can give me what I need, and help me to pray for the ones who can't." I learned that in Al Anon and it has really helped me. Active alcoholics, and even sometimes sober ones, are unable to really bond with another person and have a meaningful, intimate relationship. My therapist says that when we hang on to such a relationship, we can't receive anything new, but when we let go, we have empty hands. It's only when our hands are empty can we receive new things and all life has to offer. Stay strong!
That probably explains why he keeps a rotation of women and calls upon them when he needs attention. Thats why he called me that night.....i was just another thing for him to use to make him feel good when he was feeling down. We were never friends, even though he said we were. Friends are there no matter what, not when its convienent for themselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 39
^and that also makes me think that he will never come back (well, unless he decides to get help and go through the steps). I was something for him to use and became useless. He replaced me with other women and then replace them as they figure out who he really is. Coming back to me for anything , even friendship, would mean facing what he did and facing that he has a problem. I think he is gone for good
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
"For me, letting go is like a tree shedding it leaves in autumn. It must let go of them to grow and produce even more beauty in the following spring and summer. Letting go of what I do not truly need -whether it be old thoughts, things or behaviors - makes room for new growth in my life."
From Hope For Today, Page 111.
From Hope For Today, Page 111.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
