Old 06-23-2002, 06:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 25
Exclamation Abandoning

Dear Soberrecovery/Anon family,

It’s been 5 mnths/17 days since I ‘abandoned’ my addict husband of 15 years 5000 miles away and ran with my 13 year old son. At the time the separation was forced by myself because I thought I was going insane. That’s the overview. Since finding this board and sporadically posting but mainly lurking, lurking – I thought I’d educated myself enough, got my act together enough, took care myself (and my son)enough, recovered enough to get on with my life – right? Well, wrong.

The boundary with my husband is that he gets help or we don’t even talk (I don’t see the
point). The problem is his family has been trying to ‘patch us up’ in the kindest, gentlest fashion and are completely unable to understand why I won’t even talk to him. My husband knows the boundary – I made it crystal clear - and as a result HE will not talk to me as he wants to/needs to continue drinking/drugging. They see him as an (almost) normal person who has a high paying job and still continues to support his family – well OK, he has been such a naughty boy, but since he’s so sorry now, can’t I get beyond myself and at least talk to him? I have tried to give a couple of his brothers a crash course in addiction (my husband’s sister is also an alcoholic!), only to have them disappear on me.

Today I have this premonition of disaster – as if something terrible is about to happen. I guess that’s why I’m here asking you beautiful people who have been so instrumental in my recovery for help with my boundary. Maybe, it was too harsh…….??!! I could just send my husband an email – would that interfere with my recovery – or his (non-recovery I guess)? Maybe I’m just hoping for an endorsement that what I’m doing is right ? My ‘premonition’ comes from the fact that my son sent his father a heart-breaking email for father’s day to which my husband has not replied.

Thank you for this wonderful site, for all the people who take the time to post and help
and for listening. You’ll never know how many times you’ve saved my life/sanity.

A HUGE ((((HUG))))) to all of you
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Old 06-23-2002, 06:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Nature Girl
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Location: By The Lake
Posts: 59,014

And hugs to you (((Fatcat))),

Recovery is not rigid rules. It is about setting healthy boundaries and doing the best we can with earnest, not always perfect effort. Only you can decide whether you want to communicate with him or not.

But I suggest thinking about he is one of the two options listed below:

1. He has found a program of recovery and is sincerely working it, and in doing that he will have learned patience and give you time to consider, observe and adjust at YOUR speed. Just talking about recovery, or very new to recovery doesn't count...yet. It takes at least 6 months for the serious person to really make some solid commitment to recovery as a lifestyle, not just a 90 day program.


2. He is still active in his addiction, in which case he is just the way he has always been...nothing changes if nothing changes. Oh they know the buttons to push, and can talk the talk, but in the end they are just the same addict they always were. Do you really want to live with that as a major focus in your life? You were almost insane, and could be again in very short time.

In the 5 months you have probably learned to live your life without him, and have probably made a lot of progress in your recovery. You don't say if you go to meetings, but if not, I highly recommend it. The meetings are not about living with or without him, they are about building a strong, spiritual life for yourself in all things you do.

Your "preminition" may just be the old "fear" creeping back (this disease of codependency is sneaky), combined with thoughts of "what might have been" or "what could be if only..". Beware of those thoughts..they are illusions. The reality lies in the options above.

Sorry - didn't mean to write a book here, but I do hope this helps a little.
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Old 06-23-2002, 07:18 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 25

Oh no, no, no - you didn't write too much. Thank you for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. Get to a meeting - work the recovery programe (from you), go for a walk, clear my head, take a warm bath, read a book, pray, hug my son (from myself).

God Bless You
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Old 06-23-2002, 07:34 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Morning Glory
Posts: n/a
Hi Fatcat,

I can't add to what Ann posted, but I just wanted you to know I'm supporting you.

It's good to hear from you !


Old 06-23-2002, 07:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 25

MG - thank you for the kind words.

So this is what being co-dependant is all about!!?? I feel as if I've been sucker-punched today and I did'nt even see it coming.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="eek.gif" />

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Old 06-23-2002, 11:11 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Supply Manager
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Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
That's why I keep my helmit close at all times...these things sneak up on you when you aren't looking.

Perhaps Father's Day was a trigger. Are worried that he is not ok since he didn't respond? You can usually go in and see if an e-mail has at least been read (then you would know that he is ok). He is the one responsible for his relationship with his son...just one more thing that you cannot change...but it is hard to watch your child hurting and wanting to fix that is normal. But YOU being happy and well is the best thing for your son...and doing something that is against what you believe to be right would not be in your best interest.

The answers are inside you..just take your time, clear your head, pray and the answers will come...
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Old 06-24-2002, 05:03 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 25

JT & the gentle ladies of SR,

A day later, I've decided that a swift wack with the skillet is in order. Since you guys are too sweet to administer so I'll have to do it myself. <img border="0" alt="[Fight]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/fight.gif" />

With hindsight, I did have enough warning with feelings of dissatisfaction, self-pity etc. and it led to your classic codependency-anxiety-attack of yesterday. Unfortunately, the other issues of my son's emails, phone calls from the family - were just life's happenings which I suddenly could not cope with....

God had to let me learn a huge lesson!! It's books, live meetings and more importantly a Sponsor (ASAP), steps steps steps for me from now on.

Thank you, thank you, thank OH WISE ONES!
And I'm sorry to say I will be posting more often here too..
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