He's losing it...
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: London
Posts: 10
I've been on the phone with our GP who was kind enough to listen to me cry for 15 minutes. She said very similar things to you, Refiner and keepingthefaith.
We'd prefer an NHS detox but apparently the wait lists are crazy (of course he doesn't have private insurance, and I didn't automatically think to cover my bloody BIL). She suggested we take him to the A&E and they'll refer him to RADAR (detox for acute patients), which is a bloody 3.5 hour drive away.
If he won't come to the A&E I really have no idea what we'll do. I'm so exhausted I could cry, but if I lose another tear I'll shrivel up like a dried fruit.
We'd prefer an NHS detox but apparently the wait lists are crazy (of course he doesn't have private insurance, and I didn't automatically think to cover my bloody BIL). She suggested we take him to the A&E and they'll refer him to RADAR (detox for acute patients), which is a bloody 3.5 hour drive away.
If he won't come to the A&E I really have no idea what we'll do. I'm so exhausted I could cry, but if I lose another tear I'll shrivel up like a dried fruit.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
abitlost, I wish I was there I would give you a big hug! Sometimes we run around like the house is on fire trying to save them but the fact still remains it really is up to him, ugh. I will pray for the three of you that he will relent and go with you for help.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome! I am so glad you are here. How awfully tragic this has to be for all of you.
My sister is highway patrol for our state. She is getting ready to start a program for PTSD for the patrol. She has went to a lot of education for this. There are lots of treatments out there. I would suggest once you get past the detox, to get him into a dual diagnosis facility that can help with both the PTSD and alcohol abuse, as one may very possibly be a result from the other.
I would expect that Alanon will be a big relief for you. Don't expect to be judged, there is little to none of that in programs like Alanon. They will understand, you have been doing the best you can.
I hope you keep posting as it sounds like this has isolated you somewhat. You are not alone, we will walk this long road with you.
Tight Tight Hugs!
My sister is highway patrol for our state. She is getting ready to start a program for PTSD for the patrol. She has went to a lot of education for this. There are lots of treatments out there. I would suggest once you get past the detox, to get him into a dual diagnosis facility that can help with both the PTSD and alcohol abuse, as one may very possibly be a result from the other.
I would expect that Alanon will be a big relief for you. Don't expect to be judged, there is little to none of that in programs like Alanon. They will understand, you have been doing the best you can.
I hope you keep posting as it sounds like this has isolated you somewhat. You are not alone, we will walk this long road with you.
Tight Tight Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London
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Originally Posted by fedup3 
abitlost, I wish I was there I would give you a big hug! Sometimes we run around like the house is on fire trying to save them but the fact still remains it really is up to him, ugh. I will pray for the three of you that he will relent and go with you for help.
I really need to stop with these cigarettes! Thank you all for the support it's utterly invaluable.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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You don't need to tell him he's going to check in. Tell him you all need to go to get information, to ask questions. Even if you have him pack his bags to bring along -- you and your husband can decide how to go through this; there is no right or wrong answers, only reaching out and trying. Once there, you can try to admit him so he can get the help he needs. At any point in time, he always has the right to refuse help.
Also check into the Salvation Army United Kingdom and Ireland Territory - Addiction support
For him, you can try to lead him if he'll let you, but you can't take his journey for him. For yourselves, you can start healing. Alanon is support for you; the 12 steps are the way to find your own recovery. (((hugs)))
Also check into the Salvation Army United Kingdom and Ireland Territory - Addiction support
We don't judge or condemn, we just help.
Family breakdown, unemployment, poverty, homelessness, and drug and alcohol dependency are just some of the reasons why people can lose everything they value, including their dignity.
Family breakdown, unemployment, poverty, homelessness, and drug and alcohol dependency are just some of the reasons why people can lose everything they value, including their dignity.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Hang in there abitlost. I think that's rather good news that he gets referred to RADAR for big time detox and that it is far away. That way he won't expect to get picked up in a couple of days (since it's so far away). That could give you and your husband some time to gather your wits and decide on next steps which MUST include setting boundaries with him if he is to come back and live in your home. NOW is the time to do all these things while he's getting the medical care he needs. The next steps need to be counseling for him and to work a program since things CANNOT return to what they were... you can't express that enough... that SOMETHING must change or he is no longer welcome in your home. And if he's that down on himself thinking he's worthless, I hope he can get on some anti-depressant medications during his medical stay... something to consider. How long could he be kept in the RADAR program?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Would there be a rehab program set up after RADAR? To give you some context of the lack of services near us, the nearest detox center we've found is 8 hours away. It usually has a 3-4 day wait list. None of our local hospitals will take patients for detox, but if they're admitted for something else, they're supposed to keep them for detox if it's requested. We don't want to lie, so the 8 hour drive is on the list of possibilities if needed. My husband has been to rehab and on/off relapsing for a while. The rehab center he went to was 5 hours away and the next rehab on the list, if he were to go back to one, is 5 hours in another direction.
The best thing about rehab for us was giving us a new sense of what is normal and what's abnormal. Our viewpoint of everything is different. We are learning and reaching out for help. Progress, not perfection.
The best thing about rehab for us was giving us a new sense of what is normal and what's abnormal. Our viewpoint of everything is different. We are learning and reaching out for help. Progress, not perfection.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Refiner - I suppose that is a silver-lining to the distance! And I'm led to believe it's a 7 day detox. And yes, I'm hoping Al-Anon might help us with the boundary setting because I wouldn't know where to begin.
keepingthefaith- Our doctor said that once he's there, they'll help us organise an extended rehab stay. I just pray there's not too big of a gap between detox and rehab, or I don't know he'll make it. My best wishes to you and your husband!
Hopeful4- A very worthwhile endeavour of your sister's. Law enforcement work is so, so difficult and it maybe if someone had noticed that my BIL had been deeply affected, things wouldn't have escalated to this point. Maybe.
keepingthefaith- Our doctor said that once he's there, they'll help us organise an extended rehab stay. I just pray there's not too big of a gap between detox and rehab, or I don't know he'll make it. My best wishes to you and your husband!
Hopeful4- A very worthwhile endeavour of your sister's. Law enforcement work is so, so difficult and it maybe if someone had noticed that my BIL had been deeply affected, things wouldn't have escalated to this point. Maybe.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Wow abitlost! Look how far you've come with getting some knowledge and taking some action in just a few hours! I hope there isn't much lag time between detox and the program, either. But I hope the 7 days in detox and the realization that things MUST CHANGE will hit him deep for him to be commited to making changes for everyone involved.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I have to say, my X went to rehab that was 5 hours away. It did not matter b/c I did not go see him there (per his request). The thing is, it's worth checking them out because if it's not a dual diagnosis facility where they can treat both you may be wasting your time.
I have a friend who's husband just flew 12 hours to rehab. He went there b/c it is dual diagnosis and what's the point in going for 30 days to the wrong rehab? My X did that and it did him no good at all. It was a 30 day vaca.
Just my opinion. I have read lots of people who get frustrated with a facility and I feel many times that is because it's the wrong one.
Good luck. Make sure you do things to take good care of you!
I have a friend who's husband just flew 12 hours to rehab. He went there b/c it is dual diagnosis and what's the point in going for 30 days to the wrong rehab? My X did that and it did him no good at all. It was a 30 day vaca.
Just my opinion. I have read lots of people who get frustrated with a facility and I feel many times that is because it's the wrong one.
Good luck. Make sure you do things to take good care of you!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
This is terribly frightening. I can't imagine what you are going through. All of you.
I agree, talk to professionals and then decide what to do. There are obviously many medical facilities for detox. If it continues, I'm sure you are aware of the possible outcomes.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Many men with this disorder turn to alcohol and drugs, women, too. If one of the traumas was witnessing abuse, there are many, many support groups out there, and many tools he will find in rehab. But that sounds down the road, and the physical aspect of the disease needs to be addressed first. I suspect he will need other therapies and help, as there may be many numerous underlying issues once you peel back the onion, you just don't know.
He is lucky that he has you to care enough to want to help, although it will be him in the end who helps himself. He may not. That's what is so heartbreaking - leading a horse to water but no matter what you do, you cannot make it drink. (No pun intended.).
I hear interventions don't work, but I can't think of a situation where one was more needed.
Hugs to you.
I agree, talk to professionals and then decide what to do. There are obviously many medical facilities for detox. If it continues, I'm sure you are aware of the possible outcomes.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Many men with this disorder turn to alcohol and drugs, women, too. If one of the traumas was witnessing abuse, there are many, many support groups out there, and many tools he will find in rehab. But that sounds down the road, and the physical aspect of the disease needs to be addressed first. I suspect he will need other therapies and help, as there may be many numerous underlying issues once you peel back the onion, you just don't know.
He is lucky that he has you to care enough to want to help, although it will be him in the end who helps himself. He may not. That's what is so heartbreaking - leading a horse to water but no matter what you do, you cannot make it drink. (No pun intended.).
I hear interventions don't work, but I can't think of a situation where one was more needed.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London
Posts: 10
Bit of an update. My husband convinced him to come to the hospital. I suppose I should be ecstatic but something's very off. My BIL is putting on a brave face which is worrying me beyond belief because I think there's something wrong. When he walks he looks like he's in intense pain but he's adamant that he's fine. The mere fact that he's actually agreed to go to hospital makes me think he's not telling us something - a symptom or I don't know!
He's already quite drunk and it's not 9am, so I'm very worried he's going to change his mind any second now. He's "packing some things" which I know means getting as loaded as possible before we leave. No one has mentioned detox or rehab yet, and I'm hoping the doctors will be able to have that conversation with him instead of me and my husband. Partly because my husband's got quite a short fuse about it.
It's dawning on me that my BIL's prognosis might be very difficult to hear. I think I'm more nervous to go than he is.
Also it occurred to me when I woke up that I didn't eat anything yesterday, which probably explains why I'm feeling so weak and panicky this morning.
He's already quite drunk and it's not 9am, so I'm very worried he's going to change his mind any second now. He's "packing some things" which I know means getting as loaded as possible before we leave. No one has mentioned detox or rehab yet, and I'm hoping the doctors will be able to have that conversation with him instead of me and my husband. Partly because my husband's got quite a short fuse about it.
It's dawning on me that my BIL's prognosis might be very difficult to hear. I think I'm more nervous to go than he is.
Also it occurred to me when I woke up that I didn't eat anything yesterday, which probably explains why I'm feeling so weak and panicky this morning.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I hope he has decided to go.
You already know what the doctors are going to say. If he has done any permanent damage perhaps that will be an incentive for him to change but its not always.
Its a terrible position to be in, but please understand that continuing to give him a place to squat isn't helping him at all. Eventually it will drag you down in a different way than him, but in the same way. It already is. Its nearly impossible to live with an active addict and maintain your own sanity.
Best of luck to you all today and I hope he is willing to accept the help he needs.
You already know what the doctors are going to say. If he has done any permanent damage perhaps that will be an incentive for him to change but its not always.
Its a terrible position to be in, but please understand that continuing to give him a place to squat isn't helping him at all. Eventually it will drag you down in a different way than him, but in the same way. It already is. Its nearly impossible to live with an active addict and maintain your own sanity.
Best of luck to you all today and I hope he is willing to accept the help he needs.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello abitlost,
I'm sorry to read about your brother-in-law....but I can share with you that the human body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. My stepson is one among many alcoholic/addict family members. He has been through quite a bit, and is walking around, looking for work, just moved to a new city--again.
Before going into the hospital the first time in 2008, my stepson:
I firmly believe your brother-in-law can get his health back, if he will stop abusing it and stop drinking.
Please take good care! Your BIL and your whole family are in my prayers.
I'm sorry to read about your brother-in-law....but I can share with you that the human body has an amazing capacity to heal itself. My stepson is one among many alcoholic/addict family members. He has been through quite a bit, and is walking around, looking for work, just moved to a new city--again.
Before going into the hospital the first time in 2008, my stepson:
- bled spontaneously from his face and bruised easily
- would get extraordinarily tired after walking just a brief distance
- ate so poorly that his body was scavenging protein from his own muscles to the point where his arms and legs were so skinny he looked like an anorexic
- he began to turn the color of dijon mustard
- his belly was greatly distended
- he had hallucinations during detox, became combative and had to be restrained
- they had to perform a procedure where they removed 1L of ascites (a type of fluid) from within his abdominal cavity
- his mustard color deepened
I firmly believe your brother-in-law can get his health back, if he will stop abusing it and stop drinking.
Please take good care! Your BIL and your whole family are in my prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Seren--I would echo that the body has extrordinary powers of recuperation--esp. at the young age that your BIL still is. I have seen virtual "miracles" happen, along these same lines.
I hope that he goes along and accepts treatment.
dandylion
I hope that he goes along and accepts treatment.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
I'm so glad you and your husband decided to do this, and I so hope he makes it there and your feelings off something being off are just nerves or worries.
The prognosis should be good, the body does work miracles. It's better he go through the detox now than other outcomes. It will be painful, but they have medications to help abade those symptoms. Not take it all away, but at least abade them.
He is so lucky to have you. Take care of yourself, remember to eat! If you can, please post an update on how you all are doing.
Hugs & take care
The prognosis should be good, the body does work miracles. It's better he go through the detox now than other outcomes. It will be painful, but they have medications to help abade those symptoms. Not take it all away, but at least abade them.
He is so lucky to have you. Take care of yourself, remember to eat! If you can, please post an update on how you all are doing.
Hugs & take care
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by abitlost
Bit of an update. My husband convinced him to come to the hospital. I suppose I should be ecstatic but something's very off. My BIL is putting on a brave face which is worrying me beyond belief because I think there's something wrong. When he walks he looks like he's in intense pain but he's adamant that he's fine. The mere fact that he's actually agreed to go to hospital makes me think he's not telling us something - a symptom or I don't know!
He's already quite drunk and it's not 9am, so I'm very worried he's going to change his mind any second now. He's "packing some things" which I know means getting as loaded as possible before we leave. No one has mentioned detox or rehab yet, and I'm hoping the doctors will be able to have that conversation with him instead of me and my husband. Partly because my husband's got quite a short fuse about it.
It's dawning on me that my BIL's prognosis might be very difficult to hear. I think I'm more nervous to go than he is.
Also it occurred to me when I woke up that I didn't eat anything yesterday, which probably explains why I'm feeling so weak and panicky this morning.
He's already quite drunk and it's not 9am, so I'm very worried he's going to change his mind any second now. He's "packing some things" which I know means getting as loaded as possible before we leave. No one has mentioned detox or rehab yet, and I'm hoping the doctors will be able to have that conversation with him instead of me and my husband. Partly because my husband's got quite a short fuse about it.
It's dawning on me that my BIL's prognosis might be very difficult to hear. I think I'm more nervous to go than he is.
Also it occurred to me when I woke up that I didn't eat anything yesterday, which probably explains why I'm feeling so weak and panicky this morning.
About 3am one morning he was literally screaming in pain, ended up in the ER
Long story short- liver damage, pancreatitis, emphysema
Brace yourself....
Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I hope by now your BIL is in the hospital, and getting the evaluation he needs. This is a chance for you and your husband to set some firm boundaries. The hardest thing about these situations is we get so enmeshed, we think we're helping when we're actually not. We get so afraid of all the "what if's" that we get trapped in the enabling patterns which only help the A continue on their destructive path. He is an adult, and if he chooses to drink and not seek recovery that is his choice. He has the right to make bad choices, but it doesn't mean he has the right to push those bad choices on you.
I'm happy you're going to go to Alanon, you won't regret it. Believe me there are stories worse than yours. Every person in that room has been through this trauma on some level. There truly is NO judgement, only support. No one will tell you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. But you will learn from others sharing their experiences what works and what doesn't. You will learn to put the focus where you DO have some control...on your own life.
I'm happy you're going to go to Alanon, you won't regret it. Believe me there are stories worse than yours. Every person in that room has been through this trauma on some level. There truly is NO judgement, only support. No one will tell you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. But you will learn from others sharing their experiences what works and what doesn't. You will learn to put the focus where you DO have some control...on your own life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London
Posts: 10
Thank you all for your support!
Yesterday was absolutely horrible and I don't know where to begin. In short, he agreed to go to detox (a miracle in itself) and he's there now. The doctors at A&E were absolutely amazing. They were so fast with the referral and they even offered a patient transport ambulance so we wouldn't have to drive out (in retrospect that was such a relief because I wasn't 100% sure my BIL wouldn't jump out of a moving car to escape).
The doctor that spoke to him was absolutely brutal. She made it very, very clear that if he didn't agree to detox then and there, the next time he returned to the hospital, the only way he'd get out would be in a body bag. It was so devastatingly heartbreaking to watch him cry when he heard that, but I think it was the turning point.
I thought the anxiety would dissipate knowing he was in a safe place, medically supervised and on the road to recovery. Quite the opposite! I woke up feeling like my heart was an elastic band about to snap. I feel genuinely dizzy with worry. I suppose it was hearing that alongside pancreatitis, he's damaged his liver irreversibly. I was so shocked and confused when I heard that, I always thought patients with cirrhosis were jaundiced. I've never seen him jaundiced!
When we got home last night, my husband told me that if his brother needs a liver transplant down the track, he'd donate a lobe of his own liver. I know it's all very hypothetical at the moment but that didn't sit well with me for some reason. Still, no point in worrying about something that's unlikely to happen for a good decade, if then.
Again, thank you all for your support. I've written down some of the kind words you've said in my notebook and I'm reading them when it feels too much. I hope you are all well.
Yesterday was absolutely horrible and I don't know where to begin. In short, he agreed to go to detox (a miracle in itself) and he's there now. The doctors at A&E were absolutely amazing. They were so fast with the referral and they even offered a patient transport ambulance so we wouldn't have to drive out (in retrospect that was such a relief because I wasn't 100% sure my BIL wouldn't jump out of a moving car to escape).
The doctor that spoke to him was absolutely brutal. She made it very, very clear that if he didn't agree to detox then and there, the next time he returned to the hospital, the only way he'd get out would be in a body bag. It was so devastatingly heartbreaking to watch him cry when he heard that, but I think it was the turning point.
I thought the anxiety would dissipate knowing he was in a safe place, medically supervised and on the road to recovery. Quite the opposite! I woke up feeling like my heart was an elastic band about to snap. I feel genuinely dizzy with worry. I suppose it was hearing that alongside pancreatitis, he's damaged his liver irreversibly. I was so shocked and confused when I heard that, I always thought patients with cirrhosis were jaundiced. I've never seen him jaundiced!
When we got home last night, my husband told me that if his brother needs a liver transplant down the track, he'd donate a lobe of his own liver. I know it's all very hypothetical at the moment but that didn't sit well with me for some reason. Still, no point in worrying about something that's unlikely to happen for a good decade, if then.
Again, thank you all for your support. I've written down some of the kind words you've said in my notebook and I'm reading them when it feels too much. I hope you are all well.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so happy to hear that your BIL decided to go to detox. He is in good hands now. I hope that he will choose some form of in-patient treatment once the detox is over. This is just the beginning of a lifetime of work for him.
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