amy55

I know that a lot of my threads recently may not have made sense.

Yesterday, I got the shock of my life, and I am just trying to digest all of it to make sense in my head.

My daughter told me that my younger sister told her that I never wanted her. That I never wanted my daughter. I do totally believe my daughter, because of a coincidence that happened yesterday. I was talking to my sister earlier that day. My sister said something about how she had to become a 2nd mom to my daughter when she (sister) was 16. When I spoke to my daughter, she told me that my sister told her, that she had to be a mom to my daughter at age 16, since I never wanted my daughter.

My sister was 18 when my daughter was born, I was 19. This is when I really knew that what my daughter was telling me was the truth. The age 16 thing, never existed, so there is no reason for me to dwell on that anymore.

I was trying to right things in my head last night, and to do that, I had to go back to FOO. I don't like going back there because I feel that I am OK with that now.

So last night I went back to the FOO, but this time, I was looking for where and what was my sister doing, and how she would have felt. I was my dads favorite, I was also the one that he emotionally abused. My sister was actually told that having her, was a mistake.

I looked back and I saw my sister idolizing me, wanting to be like me, wanted to dress like me, wanted my boyfriends, she almost kind of wanted my life. I remember her telling stories, but they were about me, and she replaced me in them, with her. And all the while, I wanted to be anyone, but me. She didn't know that, she didn't know I was being abused. She just knew she wanted what I had. My fathers love. And that was the one thing that I didn't want.

I can also see how hearing as a young child that your mother never wanted you, can really hurt. Then seeing you have another 2 children, and always wanting to know why I wouldn't love her, but I would love them.

I can now understand the actions of my daughter. I think I would probably react the same way.

So, today, and last night I am just reflecting on this.

I just want to erase the whole blackboard and start all over again.

I can't even be upset with my sister, because I took the time to look at things through her eyes also.

So please excuse my incoherency yesterday. I was writing things down as they came to me. I wasn't in a good place, but I needed to see things in writing, and it helped me so much.

lillamy

I've never seen you be incoherent. And I am glad you are working things through by writing them down here. You never know who you will help by telling your story.

Lots of love to you, Amy.

hopeful4

I don't think you have been incoherent either! Sometimes we have to type it all out and read it to figure it out ourselves.

What a tragic thing. How very sad for every person involved. I hope that over time this can all be repaired. I hate that you have had to go through all of this, and your family members also.

You have broken the chain, good for you!

Tight Tight Hugs!

embraced2000

o/t-----what is foo?

amy, hang in there. your posts always give me insight into some of my own issues. thank you for those.

it's all good.

hopeful4

Family of Origin

amy55

It's like putting all these pieces of a puzzle together, the more you put in the clearer it gets,

And I have been crying since last night.

I'm crying for all the years that my daughter felt like I never wanted her.

For all the times that I tried to push my sister away from me, because I felt she was trying to take things from me. (She was really only looking to have what she thought I had)

I cry for the relationship that I could have had with my daughter.

I can even see why my daughter at times was trying to alienate me from my other 2 children. (or that is how it seemed to me) I can't even go to this right now, because I can totally understand that.

Hopeful, that chain is broken, and I am so glad that it is while I have the time to make repairs.

CodeJob

My mom was 19 when she had me.

Many a time I feel like I grew up with her. Be gentle with yourself as you look at your life from different angles. I've found a few surprises

Hugs!

amy55

I spent most of yesterday, and all of today just thinking. I was thinking to my self, how horrible am I to tell my daughter that I need time to think.

She called me today, I apologized for that. I told her that this was such a shock to me, that I just needed time. I told her that I loved her, and I never want her to doubt that, but that I just thought it was best perhaps for both of us, to just sit back and think about things.

I told her that what I was doing was going back to my childhood and just re-examining myself. My thoughts, my perceptions, and also my sisters thought, or what I think she might have felt.

I really need some time here.

My sister stabbed me in the back. I just think is that what I thought, or if she was feeling hurt, after all, she thought I was the "golden child", my dads fav, who actually told my sister that he never even wanted her.

So I put myself in her shoes today. I can now see all the dysfunction in my family. I couldn't see it then, my dad abused me. I couldn't or would never have been able to see why someone would want my life. I guess that is why I incorrectly assumed that my sister was just "out to get me". She wanted my life, I also rejected her then, because, to me, I thought she was trying to take everything away from me. (meaning boyfriends, dressing like me, a lot more stuff).

It's been a really rough day. I told my daughter I was dealing with a lot, and could we please talk somemore tomorrow. Just wanted her to know that I love her, and that I know sometimes it feels right now, that I should be talking to her, but that I had a lot on my plate to deal with, and I wanted to deal with that stuff first.

amy55

I can also see from some of my recent threads where I seemed to be a picky, picky person. I can understand that, I can see that. It's just if you didn't know how meticulous my daughter tries to be, (just like me), it can come off as picky, and looking for a fight.

In a way I know what I need to do, just let my daughter know that I always wanted her, and that I always loved her.

My sister thing had me stumped. I can never say any of this to my sister. My sister (as far as I know is in denial of everything)

I think I was somewhat wondering if any one else here had such a mind altering issue like this, and how did you deal with it? How long before you could breath again? How long did it take to realize that you were sitting in front of the tv for over 8 hours, and the tv wasn't even on?

embraced2000

we are what we are, amy. we've trimmed the rough edges, scoured our souls, tried to fix our broken selves.....but, dang! I get so weary of thinking I still have to fix, fix, fix, myself.

I just want to be an aging southern woman who wears straw hats and grows tomatoes and cucumbers.

I've made the decision to not accept any more guilt from family members.....they haven't lived their lives out yet, and have no idea what paths they will wander down.

I've worked hard on myself, and have made the best silk purse I could out of a pigs ear. it's good enough for me...in fact, it's just plain wonderful.

i'm standing tall now......feel confident, peaceful, happy. I will accept no more of their guilting.

all four of my children are adults. ages 42 to 27.....they are the captains of their own ships....they need to learn how to sail their own vessels, and if they have ever felt slighted by my actions, then they are capable enough to make sure they don't repeat it to their own children.

which, by the way.....I am convinced that our children do not even begin to understand us as parents until they look into the faces of their own babies and feel that tremendous love. at that time, they think...I WILL BE A PERFECT PARENT TO THIS CHILD.

well, didn't we think that very same thing, also!? did we not look at our children and our hearts swell, our stomach fold over onto itself, and our eyes just tear up with joy????

yes.....we did! they will know that, too, someday.

amy, stay brave and courageous.

amy55

I keep thinking back to the serenity prayer, where it says change the things that you can, (I think that's how it goes), and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm feeling like all this stuff was dropped in my lap. I'm feeling like God was there yesterday, where everything just clicked for me.

I'm feeling like yesterday, I just wanted to call my sister and blast her to h3ll, but I didn't. Instead I put myself in her shoes.

I have been feeling sick, I can't eat. I am getting headaches, my stomach hurts, and I am thinking all of this is OK. That I needed this so that I could do what I can do to start the healing in my family.

For some reason, unexplained, I was given the pieces, I was given the puzzle, and I am attempting to put it together. I'm the one who knows all of this now, and I can handle the pieces, I can handle the puzzle, I can only give some pieces to some people, but I can help my family heal. I also hate to say it that way, because it makes me sound narcistic. I think it's just because I examined everything, from different points of view, and I can't really find fault with anyone.

Live

well said, Embraced. I feel the same.