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making phone calls

Old 05-14-2014, 03:46 PM
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making phone calls

I've been making phone calls again, getting support, finding out what and how to go about handing my husband over to others to deal with.

Step 1. I admit that I am powerless over alcohol—that my life has become unmanageable.

Time and again, going to his doctor for adjusting and/or getting back on his supplements has kick started his sobriety. He is currently refusing this as a matter of pride. Or in other words, his addiction has hold and is fighting against any help of any kind. It will lie to him and me at every opportunity possible. He says he's been taking his supplements, but for the most part he completely stopped about a week ago.

I have my first individual therapy session tomorrow. Any advice on how to get the most out of it? I realize it's only one session, but I want to focus my thoughts. Already writing a few things out. I'm still scattered on that. The notes are details, which I should maybe get away from with working on my own healing.

I have a doctor's appt for myself on Monday. If he'd like to take it and start working towards recovery, I'm okay with going another round. Patience, acceptance of what is. This last time he was going to AA meetings, which was more than he had done before. That alone isn't going to do it, but it's a start and I'll acknowledge that if he chooses to do it again.

I'm also no longer in the dark. What he really doesn't want but needs the most is another rehab. He talked to them several weeks ago, or maybe it's already over a month ago.... This week he's completely taken that off the table. I talked to them today and am feeling better about this. About turning this over to them, either with or without getting his boss and manager involved.

No matter what, I need to turn this over to others again. I need to step away from it. That doesn't mean stepping away from him, but being there in that other role of wife, not one of counselor or resident nag.

Our oldest son's college graduation is this Saturday. We'll be there for the weekend. Not like I haven't done this before, but having had a sober period has re-adjusted my viewpoint. Hitting the Alanon books hard. Awareness. Acceptance. Action. I fully accept him as he is today, here and now. What other people think is not my business. He is not a reflection of myself. What will be, will be, no matter what I do, so I may as well take care of me and enjoy the weekend.
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:05 PM
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btw -- the rehab does dual-diagnosis and treats anxiety disorders and other things as much as the addiction. Whether he goes or not is up to him. What I needed was to find where and who to turn this over to. I'm feeling better about this. Not hopeful, as that might imply I expect him to actually follow through with that. Feeling better because I'm not alone, there are people who are experts in addictions who are there for him, whether or not he chooses to make use of that. It's NOT up to me.

There's been the gaslighting, minimizing and denial going on yesterday and today. The past 1 1/2 months when he's been willing to talk about it and admits to having a problem, when he will reach out for help, when something happens to where he sobers up and starts working in some way on recovery, that I can deal with. We've had better days. When the gaslighting starts, at least I'm wiser now and can respond differently -- instead of arguing, call for reinforcements to help with my own mental state.
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:20 PM
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In my experience the first session or two of therapy is when the doctor gets some background on you, why you are there, what you hope to gain. I usually just start talking like I am in an interview and then some topic comes up and I ramble on about that for a while.

That is great you are bringing notes. Very organized.
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
In my experience the first session or two of therapy is when the doctor gets some background on you, why you are there, what you hope to gain. I usually just start talking like I am in an interview and then some topic comes up and I ramble on about that for a while.

That is great you are bringing notes. Very organized.
This thread is a great example how I can say in many words what could have been said in few. I figure if I want to make the most out of this first session -- especially with the graduation and a likely active alcoholic husband and a ton of other people I'll need to talk to at one time or another, I'd better focus in somehow.

Just talking to people I know well the other night at DS7 spring concert had me consciously working my anti-anxiety techniques plus avoiding trigger people AND people I like. I was smiling, talking to people, and internally thinking of who to avoid and how. That was for 90 minutes and we left a few minutes early. This is a whole weekend. My husband and I obviously trigger at different things. He's looking forward to the weekend and I'm working my butt off to prepare myself so I can enjoy it somehow. Mindfulness. Stay in the moment. Pray, eat well, take my supplements. Binaural beats. Plan my sleep time so I'm not awake half the night.
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
what you hope to gain.
This is helping a lot. I have a couple ideas. Examples would be great.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:31 PM
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I hope its a good session. For me the first two were info gathering and him deciding my diagnosis and how to treat it. He also gave me things to do on my own. I actually did not mind all the questions, it sort of forced me to go over all things i needed to address. He dims his office a bit and has really relaxing music barely playing and really relaxing photos scrolling through on his desktop. I found these to help me wind down as im pretty high key. A big focus on breathing ehich really helps.

I also hope you enjoy your weekend! That is definitely something to celebrate!!

XXX
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:47 PM
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We spent a good part of the evening playing ball with our youngest son out in the yard -- good therapy for all of us.

hopeful4, thanks for the good thoughts -- I need to stay focused on the celebration of his graduation and not stress over taking photos (it's expected), bringing food, staying strong, etc. I'm starting to be aware again of taking time for me this weekend and being open to asking for help with the little things. We're looking forward to seeing our son, his wife and our grandson!! I know there will be lots of other people there, but I plan to keep my 2-do list on good things that will mean a lot to me.

Thanks also for the description of what your first sessions were like. I need to relax about this and at the same time I want to get as much out of it as I can. $140/session -- might be a sliding scale but I'll need to talk to the therapist about that tomorrow.

I don't know how I'm going to make this work, but I know I have to. I'm so glad I have my summer job starting soon, but a month til payday and then days off will be sporadic.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:57 PM
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As long as i pay towards my balance they bill me monthly. I set that up.with him directly not his office staff. It never hurts to ask!

My DD was to have ball tonight but it was rained out. She loves it! Glad you had a nice evening. And this weekend, your right, dont focus on that small stuff, thats not the part you will want to remember years from now!

XXX
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