tabac210

I need a little space to vent.

My AH spouse is almost 3 months into sobriety, & doing great. I've been shocked & happily surprised at how supportive & understanding my family has been, especially my dad who isn't exactly the understanding or forgiving kind--his attitude is pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Only weak people get addicted!! But he's been great with my husband--and even though dad's only a one beer a day maybe twice a week (if that) kind of guy, has gotten rid of the beer in his garage frig since my hubby visit his house often.

My husband's sister, who lives near us, and IMO has as many substance issues as my husband, hasn't seen him ONCE since in recovery. She even blew off our completion of rehab celebration for my husband, saying in a text to me she wasn't feeling well but then posting on FB that she was partying with her boyfriend. The day after his celebration dinner, she called to see if we wanted to go to a bar with them to see a band we all like. Before that, when my husband (HER BROTHER!!) was literally days into sobriety, let her boyfriend call to see if hubby would want to be the designated driver for a bunch of guys who were driving 3-4 hours to see a rock concert!!

We don't see his parents often. They are "snowbirds" and travel to our area in May from AZ to spend the summer at a campground. So his parents show up this week & they all meet for lunch at Applebee's. Sis starts drinking then, and when my husband suggested a healthy, sober activity to continue the visit, she poo-poo's it & wants everyone to go to a local Mexican restaurant with an outdoor bar area to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. (sp?) I was working & unable to go along....which in hindsight I think was a very good thing.

Not wanting to spend just an hour or 2 with his parents before they head north to their campground, and also a little bit, I think, because he didn't want to appear weak & to let them know he could "hang" & not drink, he goes along. Of course, he's a little uncomfortable & a lot bored while sis, boyfriend & the parents are slamming back margaritas. He stayed only an hour or so & then came home.

He seems to be fine about it, but I am . He knows I'm mad but as usual, don't pick on sis, poor her, why am I so mean about her, blah blah blah. She's almost 40 for goodness sake, but everyone and I mean EVERYONE in his family still treats her like a baby who really doesn't deserve consequences for her actions. I can't believe their insensitivity & complete disregard for what he's been going through AND all he has accomplished.

I also know the reality--I have never & will never tell his parents or sister how I really feel. I suck it up, smile, & am sweet as sugar to them at all times. I do that in part because A) I'm never going to change them and B) my hubby is a worrier, a peace keeper, & just wants everyone to get along. The last thing I would ever do, especially now, is rock the boat....

Here in lies the rub......I really want to rock the boat. I really want to let sis & them all know what insensitive, unsupportive a-holes they are....even though I know it won't change a thing & will only likely cause problems in my relationship with them & my hubby.

Why in the heck am I still so angry about this?!?!?! I know in part it's because I have purposefully & with explanation ended some friendships due to lack of support of this process.

Why can't I just let it go this time???

Thanks for listening.

biminiblue

Family. It would be great if not for the people.

Unfortunately people mostly think about themselves and how to get what they want.

I would continue to do what you are doing, and not get dragged into the dance. I find it much more peaceful to sit out these kinds of things, and let them play out the way God intends, without my input. In-law situations are so emotionally wrought. I think your husband will have to figure it out himself. If you don't want to be around them, of course that is your prerogative, but he is going to have to navigate this himself. I wouldn't try to convince or persuade your husband against his family. That will surely blow up in your face.

Letting go. Yeah, it's a process. I have to pray about that daily. I'm getting better with my love and tolerance, but it isn't easy.

FireSprite

Stung just posted about this kind of thing the other day - how we want to jump in & defend our A's at times. (the situation as different but I think the action is the same)

It took me a while to see that I would be just as wrong in "rocking the boat" by leveling accusations & calling them out as they are for being so insensitive in the first place. So why sink to that level? It's also unfair (JMHO) to draw comparisons between how "well" your family is supporting him vs. how "badly" his isn't.

Truth is - this is HIS recovery, it's HIS place to decide on his boundaries for this kind of thing & state them clearly to all involved. It really has nothing at all to do with YOU. They could be more sensitive but if he isn't verbalizing that to them then they also may not understand the scope of how much their actions affect him. And honestly, is he affected? From your post it sounds like you are the one with expectations that aren't being met, not him?

FireSprite

Specifically to this question - it sounds like your lack of control might be driving your anger here? If I am interpreting your post correctly, you've had a more black & white approach with others in your life & have cut all contact if they aren't showing you the level of support you feel you need?

But you can't do that with HIS family so now you have no Plan B to redirect/release that anger? Just playing armchair psychologist here, lol.

Florence

I don't know. I still feel bitter about my ex's family and their lack of support and understanding. He will have to figure it out to stay sober whether or not they support him. Ultimately I decided that this anger was partly about my inability to control his environment and keep him sober and therefore live a happy life, so I skipped the middle man and went straight to happy without them. We're almost divorced now. My STBXAH claims to be sober, but he's so dependent on his enabling parents that I know whatever is going on there is weird and unhealthy to the nth degree. I don't need to know.

My thoughts are that you have to become the master of the "Hmmm" and "Wow" and "No" and "That's inappropriate" kind of response. No need to blow up and make it dramatic, but for example if the sister invites your RAH to a bar to be her DD so she can binge drink (red flag on her part, damn!) your response can be, "Wow, no? That's really inappropriate." And if she argues? "Nope. Sorry!" What about her reaction? Well, what *about* her reaction? We can't control other people's reactions.

Same with Mom and Dad. They want to slam margaritas? More power to them, but you won't be there. Boundaries: They're about YOU and what's good for YOU.

Your husband will have to figure this out for himself also.

As codies we really like to JADE (Justify, argue, defend, and explain) our feelings to everyone, to try to reach some kind of consensus or understanding or peace, even if this is illogical and just our spinning of wheels. In my journey, a big turning point was choosing who was safe to JADE to, if anyone, and what my motives were. Are your in-laws capable of hearing you? Not now. Don't waste your breath.

Thumper

If this does not apply to you - disregard.

When I read your post and tried to put myself in that position (or remember similar from my past) I experience fear. Fear that he'd relapse. That can be projected as anger at the people that are not protecting his sobriety. In early recovery (his and/or mine) everything seemed so fragile. I wanted to go about my codie ways of controlling/manipulating/fixing/handling every possible variable to get the outcome I so desperately wanted. Any stumbling block in that mission about made my head pop off.

That might be way off base for you. We are all different.