jrc207

Hi all - been lurking for a little while and thought I would write my first post. I live in Philadelphia and my husband of 6 years (been together almost 11) went into rehab on 4/19.

My problem is that I know that post-rehab is super-sensitive time and he needs support. But I feel sort of caught in not knowing how to give support that is healthy for both parties. And here's why:

I'm in my late 30's and he's in his mid 40's - we come from a peer group where most of our friends drink too much/too often, and so both he and I at varying times took varying stances on (usually his) drinking over the years. He was diagnosed with bipolar hypomania a few years ago too, so that took the focus off the alcohol for a period of time as well (his dr thought of the alcohol as a symptom and was always overlooking it as just something that bipolar patients do).

Anyway after a DISASTROUS Jan-Apr of 2014 which included the death of my father, I said I had had enough and needed to be apart from him, but before I started to legally untangle (I am the breadwinner - he is a struggling-and-now-thanks-to-all-this-chronically-unemployed musician), I threw out the suggestion that he might want to consider inpatient rehab while he still has good insurance. To my surprise, he agreed and even went so far as to contact a counselor at an outpatient rehab program he had been a part of previously for suggestions and she directed him to a few potential treatment centers.

That last week before he actually went in (4/12-4/19) was quite a doozy and although I had already known about quite a bit of his awful behavior, I went full-on crazy control freak, taking advantage of his frequently incapacitated state and got ALL kinds of information from our phone records (the phone is in my name), the phone itself (digging out deleted texts, photos, everything), his facebook account, etc. And I found quite a lot. I am a professional researcher (research librarian at a law firm) so I felt compelled to find everything! I now realize I am a semi-professional "codie" as well (so *of course* I did all this, knowing that all I was doing was torturing myself and getting more pissed at him).

I also have a job that has been demanding 60+ hour workweeks (and a super-insane boss), so that has not given me a whole lot of time to work on myself while he's been gone. That's how I came to find Soberrecovery.com - it gave me a way to hear from others/find information late at night when I have time to do so! In doing so I have realized that as textbook-alcoholic he is, I am textbook-codependent-spouse in so many ways. Taking over running our entire lives/household/finances/etc, hiding/covering up his issues/actions, defending him to others, feeling bad for him and as though I need to take care of him (and therefore cannot leave him), etc.

SO all this is leading to my main point - he is getting out of rehab on friday or saturday of this week. Tomorrow we have a phone conference with his counselor to presumably discuss the situation when he is released. Neither of us sees any other option than him coming back to the house at least in the beginning. He may be able to stay with his brother for a couple of weeks coming up, but nothing permanent. And wherever he is he will be rebuilding his life from the ground up.

I feel as though we both need to rediscover our independence from each other and establish our identities again before we even THINK about whether we ultimately stay married or not. But I am having a hard time envisioning this given the current situation (same house, him financially dependent, etc). He needs to find a job, have his own money and responsibilities and I need learn to only pay attention to my job/responsibilities. But I know that post-rehab is super-sensitive time and he needs support. So as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I feel sort of caught in not knowing how to give support that is healthy for both parties.

I guess I'm just wondering what anyone has to say about his, and what other people have experienced. Boy this was a long first-post!

Thanks!

CodeJob

Welcome JRC!

Well you know what? It is up to you. If you don't want him home, you can tell H and counselor tomorrow, "No." He can get an apt somehow or get someone else to pay for him to get him on his feet. Sober living house, Oxford House, etc.

Of course that is easier said than done. I caved and my RAH came home. It has not been particularly happy times and mine is sober!

So if you think you might cave, what boundaries need to be put in place? If he relapses, is he out? You sound a bit more seasoned and I suspect you have been reading here awhile.

Here's the thing, he's dual diagnosis. It is more than just stopping the drinking. Think carefully about the cost of being nice when you really want your own calm space to head after work...

Peace and resolve to you!

Mango blast

JRC, I'm glad you decided to post. You sound like you're in a really good place mentally. Awareness needs to come first.

Have you gone to Alanon, Celebrate Recovery or received other types of in-person help? This has been a very important thing for me. Even the act of going tends to validate myself and gets me thinking about my own recovery.

For after treatment, I'll second what CJ said about sober housing or looking for other options. If the rehab he's at isn't affiliated, they probably know of some programs. Requirements include staying sober, having a curfew and finding a job within a certain time frame. The one we learned about helps with learning how to find a job and does give leeway on the time frame for those honestly trying to find work. They normally don't mention that as they try to get people motivated to find work asap. The apt rent is very low. We didn't do this as we're still together and my husband still had his job. It was really good for both of us to know about, in case it's ever needed in the future.

The more seriously he takes his aftercare and continued recovery, and the bigger the support network he builds, the more he'll be increasing his chances of long term recovery and/or the ability to seek help or be open to receiving help in case of a relapse.

Also keep in mind the Salvation Army and other organizations like that.
The Salvation Army - Housing and Homeless Services
The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation

It's a good sign that he decided to get help. The post rehab period was very hard for us, but we're both learning, working our own programs and it's getting much better. Yes, having a sound plan for what to do in case of relapse is very necessary, IMO. If his insurance would pay for another round of inpatient rehab, start figuring that out before it's needed -- if he'd go back to the same one or another place, get paperwork filled out ahead of time, etc. A new one could be helpful -- more learned as he goes! And quite possibly a longer one and with a strong family program. 3 weeks is a short time frame to start learning how to change your whole life. He may not need it but it helps to be on the same page, especially if you're still invested in this either emotionally or financially. You can't control it, but it is possible to turn it over to others to deal with him.

If you can each get counseling from a Licensed Addictions Counselor who also understand the bi-polar issues, that would be really good. If you can find someone, there may be a waiting list to get on.

suki44883

Have you considered a sober living facility for a while? I just did a google search for sober living in Philadelphia and there are several.

69 Sober Living Homes in Philadelphia PA - Transitional Living Home

jrc207

Thanks for all the encouraging words & helpful info

I did do some research sober living around here and what I found was dismal - which is not surprising, given the multitude of issues in this city (we were both ready to leave Philly a long time ago - that's another whole story...) - mainly they are in terrible (some outright dangerous) neighborhoods and are less than above-board. Even a therapist of mine and a drug counselor of his pretty much agreed - and him leaving the area for sober living hasn't really become an option either. On the other hand, he grew up in a tough neighborhood so if worse came to worse...

All that being said, I guess I am admitting to myself that I am willing to give him yet another chance to at least live in the house for the immediate future after rehab and see what happens. However I want to come up with some sort of guidelines/boundaries so that we do not fall back into our default roles. (And I am fighting the urge to put spyware on his phone to track every single thing he does!! and yes, I realize there are legal issues there...)

I am definitely going to go to Al-Anon, but I see myself finding (often unfortunately valid) reasons to not go each time - my goal is to make it to the next available meeting near my job, which is this Wednesday at noon - I even told my boss I have an appointment that day! Especially because I am having issues like caring too much what other people think about my decisions - the handful of people who know what has happened/what he's done have been pretty good about keeping their opinions to themselves (even my mother and sisters who endured him making a huge scene after my father's funeral back in January), but I know what they think and it bugs me/makes it harder for me to hash out what *I* want. So yeah - a group of people (other than you all!) who know what I'm going through is definitely in order.

Mango blast

I've found just getting through the door to a meeting helps me in valuing myself. Sometimes I don't realize what I've taken away from one until days or weeks later. Good luck at getting to your meeting this Wed. I understand what you mean. It's often hard to put it as a priority and/or just to make the timing work.

One of the top ten things from Alanon I needed to hear: "It's not my business what other people think of me."
It's their problem, not mine.

jrc207

Thanks again for the support - keepingthefaith, I like your quote "The sun always rises, and a new day begins." - I find that this is the funniest thing about life - no matter how horrible/sad/scary/life-changing/boring/stupid a particular day or night is....the next day always comes and starts another day new.

Mango blast

Regarding sober housing -- don't limit yourselves to local help. Small cities may have better options. In our case, it was the opposite. We live in a remote area and I am now open to options in many different states since ours are limited. Found that if we need a detox center there is one 8 hours away (a doable drive, IMO) and the wait time is often 3-4 days. Meaning if there is another relapse and my husband can't quit on his own, it's better to get on the wait list asap and not need it than to wait a week hoping things may change. My husband doesn't like the idea, but as his rehab counselor said... for RAH to not look at what he wants, but what he needs.

Your husband may want to come home, but is that really what he needs? In our case the answer was yes. In your case, look at all the options, keep an open mind, and then whatever you choose is really a choice instead of being stuck with it. With him needing to become self-sufficient and take responsibility for himself, maybe sober housing in another city or state would be viable.

CodeJob

I sneak out of work on Wednesdays too!

Hopefully this counselor can help you whip up some boundaries. I have heard on a relapse plan too.

shayda951

3 weeks is not a long time to be in rehab. My fiance died last week due to alcoholism. He went to detox last July for 3 weeks and made a plan there for therapy, looking at outpatient programs, and hobbies to keep him busy. He felt GREAT when he got out! He ate again, said his mind was clear, physical ailments were disappearing, he looked great and felt healthy. He kept commenting how great he felt. Unfortunately, he never followed through with anything, but the therapy, which he recently dropped, and was drinking again within 2 weeks after detox. I was devastated. 9 months later, he's dead.

I guess my point is, while this is a very positive thing, be aware that it may not last. He needs lots of follow up care. He needs to address his bipolar issue and any demons he has. 3 weeks in rehab wont "cure" him. It's a great start, but not a "cure". He has to really, really want to stop for himself. He needs to find the underlying issues and be really willing to work. It will be very tough for him. Just give him all of the love and support you can. It will be a trying time for you, as well. Like you said, you want to track him. I wanted to, too. I was nervous to leave him alone. He'd lie and say he was going to AA and would go to a movie and get a drink on the way home. There is really only so much you can do. He has to want this. It will be very stressful on you to deal with all of this, so make sure that is something you are ready to take on.

I agree with the others, come up with a plan that you will implement right away if he falls off the wagon. He may not follow through with it, but at least it's there.

Not meaning to be negative, but realistic. I felt my hopes were too high for my fiance's recovery. I thought when he got out, he'd stay away from the alcohol. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

Mango blast

shayda, I'm so very sorry about the loss of your fiance, and his loss to his battle with alcoholism. Thank you very much for sharing what you've learned through this. My prayers are with you and his family. God bless him and may he rest in peace. (((hugs)))

hopeful4

I really hope you make a plan and stick to it. The thing is, alcoholics are like naughty children. If you give them an ultimatium, be prepared to stick to it 100%. If he sees you will let him "slip" here or there, your word will mean squat.

The boundaries are for YOU. For example, you said, "I am going to Alanon." That is something you are going to do for you that you are in complete control of. That's the difference between an ultimatium and a boundary. One is for him, one is for you.

My XAH went to rehab for 30 days, I call it his 30 day vaca because he really did not work it at all. And I made the dire mistake of letting him come right back home when I was not ready. Big mistake for myself, one I have always regretted. Whatever you choose, I hope you do just what was said. Work with his counselor to set up boundaries for YOU!

I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here! SR is a great tool, you will find lots of support here!

jrc207

Shayda, thanks for sharing such a painful part of your life. I truly hope you are able to find some peace.

Your suggestions of having a plan ready is a good/practical one. And your story makes me think more seriously about what I really want to take on right now, as I have no illusions about rehab being much more than a brief stop on the journey, which is what concerns me. After 3 weeks I am just now making an effort to go to my first al-anon meeting, and am barely scratching the surface of change - so I know that he is certainly not a changed man in that 3 short weeks.

Also, hopeful4, thanks for the clarification between ultimatums and boundaries. Important stuff.

Florence

My STBXAH went to rehab four times during our relationship. Each time he was released with the STRONG recommendation NOT to return back home, and to go to a sober living place somewhere else where he would learn to be sober away from the fishbowl of rehab and without the pressures of home. Each time, he passed on the opportunity. The last one was in Arizona. We live in the Midwest. I told him to go, please go, but he came home and relapsed again. He went back to rehab -- and I know from experience that they told him to go again, and he refused, but by then I'd filed for divorce. So many lost jobs, lost opportunities. It's a terrible, chronic disease. Rehab is just a blip.

We are very nearly divorced, but this, I think, was an important component to recovery that he missed. He kept coming home after a good buff and shine, and was surprised by and incapable of dealing with the elements of recovery alongside MY recovery and the regular push and pull of workaday life. I was also no help to him in my codependency.

I never was able to go to Al-Anon, but I found a good deal of recovery reading, researching, participating on SR and in long-term individual counseling (about two years worth, weekly). You don't have to go to Al-Anon, per se, but it's extremely helpful to have a community of people around you that have experienced what you've experienced as a co-dependent and partner of an alcoholic.

jrc207

Florence, you nailed my concerns precisely - the demands of his real life alongside my recovery (and/or bad old habits...as I learn & grow!) make our house not the best atmosphere. I did express this in a counseling session we had with his rehab counselor last week, so hopefully it's at least been discussed a bit in preparation for his return.

The good(ish) news is that I just went to my first al-anon meeting today (I had to MAKE myself go, it was pretty funny), and it was really good. I'm lucky because they are every weekday around lunchtime a couple of blocks from my work. So I can go again tomorrow and friday (workload permitting).

The other good-ish news is that the plan we have come up with is this: his brother picks him up on Friday, brings him to our house and then goes with him (also a recovering addict) to a meeting in our neighborhood. My sister/brother in law have flown in (and are staying at my mother's) from California for the weekend for Mother's Day, so I will leave Friday night to go to my mom's and he will be on his own all weekend (possibly into Monday if I can take off/work from my mom's house that day). So we will see each other for an hour or two between my coming home from work and leaving for my mother's Friday night. Then next week he moves into another brother's place temporarily - for about 2 weeks, while he(or we) comes up with a next step.

So - the immediate future is handled...kind of. To be continued. Thanks again for all the support. Didn't realize how much I needed it until I started this post.