Marina0719

Good morning. I have never really spoke with anyone regarding this, and the reason being is that I was in denial that my husband had a problem- he was very manipulating and convincing. We got married young and the binge drinking was portrayed as something "all college kids do". As time progressed, it was episodes of binge drinking about 4-6 months apart. Then a DUI.. which while he drank, his friend was driving his car.. not a full admission but this period followed by 4 years of sobriety and AA- it was magic. After that DUI he was very remorseful and wanted to do the right thing. Then one day, "I am not an alcoholic, I don't belong in AA" and beers in the fridge followed by binge drinking episodes 4 months apart. I noticed my husband detaching and pulling away. He would come home smelling like alcohol but say that he just had one and drank a lot of water before driving. But he was not the same- just depressed, irritable, moody, sensitive, and detached. He finally said he was so depressed that he went to see a therapist. I don't know what he told the therapist (I am sure nothing about drinking)- he was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and told that he needs to take care of himself. So my husband came home and basically told me that he is stressed out over "our marriage" and the man that he can not be because "he lost feelings for me and feels guilty"- that he needs to move out. He moved out two weeks ago and.. on day two got his third DUI! The story? He had the flu (he was sick a few days before) and was sleeping in his car.. a victim of police bullying (sigh..) I received the police report, he refused the breathalyzer and admitted to the officers that he had a drink. He is telling his whole family that he was so sick, he does not remember what he said. So right now he got a lawyer and is trying to fight it. Meanwhile, a man that told me he grew apart from me and had no feelings is calling constantly and wants to come over to see me and my daughter. I tried to tell him to wake up and get sober- he gets upset that I think he is a drunk and I need to just accept that he left. This has been a horrible situation, I have no anger- but I have seen a loving man and father turn into someone unrecognizable. I don't know how to act toward him or what to say. His father is in AA and has been for 20 years and he has a hard time talking about this matter right now. He told me to look past his words and to accept him as a "sick man" and not get upset or emotional over his words (to keep moving forward)- It would be helpful for me to hear a perspective of someone who walked in my husband's shoes- how does an alcoholic think

hopeful4

I cannot tell you how your husband thinks, but I can tell you my XAH's drinking started just this same way. Some drinks, in college. It progressed from there.

Take the focus off of him. Put it on you. What do you want and need, and can you obtain that from this relationship. Be strong. Go to support meetings, have face to face support.

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but now you need to take good care of you. He got himself into his mess, let him get himself out.

Lastly, I will say this because when I read this it resonated with me and I will never forget it. If you take away all the pain and consequences from an addict you rob them of a chance of recovery, for it is only when the pain and consequences become more than the satisfaction they receive from drinking that they may recover. If you take those away, there is no chance.

I will also say welcome. Read a lot here, keep posting. You are not alone. I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here!

XXX

Marina0719

Hopeful4, Thank you so much for words of support. I try my best to take it a day at a time. I can not solve his problem and I can not pick up the broken pieces. He has detached and is looking for "friendship"- the insanity of this disease. I have to draw the line regarding him coming over- it hurts too much and I am hurt that he took the focus off of his problem drinking and put it on our marriage.

Catherine628

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html

I hope the link above works. I found this article very helpful. If the link doesn't work just google alcoholic thinking by Jim LaPierre. My situation is similar to yours with the binge drinking in college and then blaming the problems on the marriage. I find the books by Toby Rice Drews to be helpful too.

Pia

Marina0719-

I can only tell you in my experience talking to my AH is useless absolutely useless. I don't need to tell him anything about drinking/drugs etc.

I know telling him anything is a waste of breathe. There is nothing I am going to say that will change his mind/heart. I have very little communication and only if he pops up at the house and then I let him say what he needs to say and I don't react. I don't care what he says I count in my head the whole time. Last time he was here I counted to 900. I know he probably doesn't even remember he was at the house.
There are two reasons I do this:

1) If something happened to him I won't feel guilty " if only I hadn't said this"
2) I don't turn back into someone I don't want to be.

He has family on both sides that are addicts so nothing I can say or do will in anyway shape or form change his mind. He knows what it's about.

What I do is focus on moving on with my life. I am only living in my skin and making a new life for me.

I work everyday doing something for me and what I need to do to get through the day. Some days I work like crazy other days i'm in the backyard reading my self help books.

It's a sad situation but if I want it to change I am in control of it. I don't want to look back when I am older and regret anymore wasted time.