AAAHHHH - just needed to scream
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
AAAHHHH - just needed to scream
Hi SR family! It has been a long time since I posted, but I come here almost daily to read the support you all offer. Many wise souls here. Today I need to vent.
I am rapidly approaching the two year mark since separating from my AH. My life is so peaceful now. My daughter is finally coming to terms with the fact that we will NEVER live with her father again. She has been seeing him more often since I implemented a visitation schedule back in December, which I think has helped her tremendously with understanding why we left and why we aren't going back. I am doing my best to let her form her own opinion of her father, but he is so manipulative and self-serving that I find myself having to explain a lot of stuff to her.
I haven't filed yet because I'm pretty sure he would try to fight it, and I am just not up to that right now, nor can I afford it at the moment.
We are now in the process of preparing my former home to sell (AH still lives there). I do feel obligated to do my fair share of the work (of course "my fair share" means just about all of it), since my name is still on the house and I will profit immensely from the sell. The process started near the end of March, and we are hoping to have it listed sometime around May 15. I have spent more time in that house and around him since then than I have in the entire two years I have been gone. My choice to leave has been so validated!!
Two weeks after we started the work on the house he calls me and asks if we can "try again". As politely as I could, I explained to him that there was no way I could consciously put myself or our daughter back into the possibility of being in the the same situation as before and that I could not live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is too much negative history and pain, not to mention that he has made no effort toward any type of recovery, and does not take care of himself (doesn't take any of the 12+ medications he is supposed to be on, doesn't go to the doctor, still drinking himself into a stupor, hasn't had a hair cut in months, etc.). Of course I heard all the old promises of how he would change and how we could be so happy, blah, blah, blah. Thanks, but no thanks. I have heard it all before, and fallen for it too many times.
Fast forward, we had a garage sale Saturday (he is trying to sell the majority of the contents of the house), which I mostly worked alone. The clock had barely struck noon when the first beer opened. Needless to say, I got even less out of him once that started. And as usual when we have a garage sale (which I detest), I received none of the profits. I would have left if my car had not been blocked in by the sale. So I stayed and finished the sale and the sorting of the leftovers and the trip to Goodwill to make the first of several donations.
We have painters coming in this week, so I went over again yesterday. Mistake. He was already drinking when we arrived. My parents came over to haul off some more stuff and then one of his employees came to purchase some large items that were used in the garage. By the time they all left, he was nearly sloshed (he was the only one drinking the entire time). Someone else is coming today to pick up some furniture that has been moved into the garage, and a lot of stuff got piled on top of it during the past two days, so I started to clean it off and his mouth started to run. I nearly lost it when he said that I passed up the chance to have him sober. As soon as I felt my temperature start to rise, and after I told him he passed up the opportunity to be sober the last 15 years, I gathered up my child (she was playing at the neighbor's house) and left. He called six times last night and I didn't answer a single one.
He left one voice mail and sent a text saying he just wanted to talk to me one last time to say goodbye, to have a good life and that he loves us more than we can imagine. Yet another suicide threat. I have heard this countless times. He is the epitome of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". I stopped responding to those threats long ago. His life is in his own hands, not mine.
I have absolutely had it with this man and his inability to act like a responsible adult. I really don't know how I tolerated it for as many years as I did. Hope and fear cause us to make stupid decisions I guess. I am so glad I finally wised up and got out before my life got any worse than it was.
Thanks for listening.
I am rapidly approaching the two year mark since separating from my AH. My life is so peaceful now. My daughter is finally coming to terms with the fact that we will NEVER live with her father again. She has been seeing him more often since I implemented a visitation schedule back in December, which I think has helped her tremendously with understanding why we left and why we aren't going back. I am doing my best to let her form her own opinion of her father, but he is so manipulative and self-serving that I find myself having to explain a lot of stuff to her.
I haven't filed yet because I'm pretty sure he would try to fight it, and I am just not up to that right now, nor can I afford it at the moment.
We are now in the process of preparing my former home to sell (AH still lives there). I do feel obligated to do my fair share of the work (of course "my fair share" means just about all of it), since my name is still on the house and I will profit immensely from the sell. The process started near the end of March, and we are hoping to have it listed sometime around May 15. I have spent more time in that house and around him since then than I have in the entire two years I have been gone. My choice to leave has been so validated!!
Two weeks after we started the work on the house he calls me and asks if we can "try again". As politely as I could, I explained to him that there was no way I could consciously put myself or our daughter back into the possibility of being in the the same situation as before and that I could not live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is too much negative history and pain, not to mention that he has made no effort toward any type of recovery, and does not take care of himself (doesn't take any of the 12+ medications he is supposed to be on, doesn't go to the doctor, still drinking himself into a stupor, hasn't had a hair cut in months, etc.). Of course I heard all the old promises of how he would change and how we could be so happy, blah, blah, blah. Thanks, but no thanks. I have heard it all before, and fallen for it too many times.
Fast forward, we had a garage sale Saturday (he is trying to sell the majority of the contents of the house), which I mostly worked alone. The clock had barely struck noon when the first beer opened. Needless to say, I got even less out of him once that started. And as usual when we have a garage sale (which I detest), I received none of the profits. I would have left if my car had not been blocked in by the sale. So I stayed and finished the sale and the sorting of the leftovers and the trip to Goodwill to make the first of several donations.
We have painters coming in this week, so I went over again yesterday. Mistake. He was already drinking when we arrived. My parents came over to haul off some more stuff and then one of his employees came to purchase some large items that were used in the garage. By the time they all left, he was nearly sloshed (he was the only one drinking the entire time). Someone else is coming today to pick up some furniture that has been moved into the garage, and a lot of stuff got piled on top of it during the past two days, so I started to clean it off and his mouth started to run. I nearly lost it when he said that I passed up the chance to have him sober. As soon as I felt my temperature start to rise, and after I told him he passed up the opportunity to be sober the last 15 years, I gathered up my child (she was playing at the neighbor's house) and left. He called six times last night and I didn't answer a single one.
He left one voice mail and sent a text saying he just wanted to talk to me one last time to say goodbye, to have a good life and that he loves us more than we can imagine. Yet another suicide threat. I have heard this countless times. He is the epitome of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". I stopped responding to those threats long ago. His life is in his own hands, not mine.
I have absolutely had it with this man and his inability to act like a responsible adult. I really don't know how I tolerated it for as many years as I did. Hope and fear cause us to make stupid decisions I guess. I am so glad I finally wised up and got out before my life got any worse than it was.
Thanks for listening.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Leigh, I heard that scream from Australia. 
I spent most of January clearing out my mother's house and having a sale, and I know it's super stressful, even without a sloshed freeloader hanging around. I'm glad your actions have been validated. If he'd been serious about getting you back he would have been sober for 2 years.
I spent most of January clearing out my mother's house and having a sale, and I know it's super stressful, even without a sloshed freeloader hanging around. I'm glad your actions have been validated. If he'd been serious about getting you back he would have been sober for 2 years.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you. You and your DD deserve peace. You are doing your best, give yourself credit. You sound like a wonderful mom!
When my XAH relapsed quite a while ago, I was so afraid he would commit suicide. It's a hostage situation in that way. I remember the therapist telling me quite clearly that no matter what happens, we only have the ability to control our own lives. That if he were to do that, it would be his own choice. It took me a really long time to wrap my head around that, but it also gave me the strength to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
It's hard, but you have the integrity to do it. So vent away, that's what we are here for! You are doing great!
XXX
When my XAH relapsed quite a while ago, I was so afraid he would commit suicide. It's a hostage situation in that way. I remember the therapist telling me quite clearly that no matter what happens, we only have the ability to control our own lives. That if he were to do that, it would be his own choice. It took me a really long time to wrap my head around that, but it also gave me the strength to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
It's hard, but you have the integrity to do it. So vent away, that's what we are here for! You are doing great!
XXX
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