Mellybug

I've been on my own away from my XABF for a good couple of months now. It's been WONDERFUL!
Wednesday, however, my coworker was let go. She was a temp to begin with and her contract ran out - but she came in during the MOST tumultuous time of my life since 2006, both professionally and with my XABF. She lifted me up and helped me become a better, stronger person. I cried on and off all day long. I believe my HP put her in my life just when I needed her, and now that I'm doing better, it's time for her to move on and inspire someone else...or go do her own thing. Whatever the deal...

That night I had a horrible dream that I was with my XABF and the gf he had previous to me. I know for a fact that WE both broke up with HIM, but in this dream he was explaining to us both why he left us. He was telling her that he left me because I was over-emotional, psychotic, and "no fun". The "old me" feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness, etc...were all present in the dream.

I woke up feeling weird and spent a while getting back to the "new" me, but I did come back. I spent more time than usual reading posts here and on another site to remind me about all of the reasons I left. I don't like to dwell on the negative, but sometimes I need a reminder, or my memories will gloss over how bad things were and only land on the good times that I miss....

Thanks for letting me get it out there. I've been feeling a bit down and insecure lately...

Lovenjoy

Wow Melly! I have been having very real and disturbing codie dreams lately in regards to RAS and because of your post I was able to make an important leap! I am RA and many of us in recovery have off and on 'drinking dreams'. I rarely have them anymore, long time sober, but they can be disturbing and like you when I come back to the new me I am real glad and jump into recovery more enthusiastically.

I never made the connection! I think my codie dreams (not unlike my drinking dreams) are a way I am processing deep feelings/resentments as I am working my program of recovery from codependency. I have always been a prolific dreamer and I pay attention because it helps me, sometimes, to get a different perspective on things I'm working on. So I have paid attention to my codie dreams but they mostly just disturbed me.....

I have a different take now, just this moment! These codie dreams mean I am healing and letting go and that my recovery is taking hold. That's a good thing, right?! Now I'm looking forward to a codie dream! The next time I won't let myself hide behind the fear emotions they have brought up. I'll face them head on and maybe learn something valuable to my recovery!

Thanks Melly! And congrats on building a better life for yourself. There's magic out here if we just open ourselves to joy!