NEED my AH's help and its not there
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Give him some condoms.
Seriously, he is going to sneak around no matter what you say, and it sounds like he is going to do it even if your AH gets involved, which it doesn't sound like he will, but you know what I mean. The more you try to tell him no, the more he is going to want to do it.
So try the reverse psychology thing. Tell him you have an issue with him doing it because he is too young, etc. but you want him to be safe because you know he is going to do it anyway. He will respect the fact that you treated him like an adult. And in all honesty, it's better that he is safe anyway.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but teenagers are going to find a way around their parents every time. And he really doesn't want to be stuck with a kid at this age.
Seriously, he is going to sneak around no matter what you say, and it sounds like he is going to do it even if your AH gets involved, which it doesn't sound like he will, but you know what I mean. The more you try to tell him no, the more he is going to want to do it.
So try the reverse psychology thing. Tell him you have an issue with him doing it because he is too young, etc. but you want him to be safe because you know he is going to do it anyway. He will respect the fact that you treated him like an adult. And in all honesty, it's better that he is safe anyway.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but teenagers are going to find a way around their parents every time. And he really doesn't want to be stuck with a kid at this age.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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I handed little miss my letter after school today. Her mother did not picking her up today so I text her to let her know I gave it to her daughter and hoped she and her husband would read it, read it with little miss, pray about what I've proposed and get back with me on Monday after they've had time as a family to digest it. Lo and behold, and no shock to me, her mom had no idea darling daughter wrote me a letter asking to see my son.
Here's what I know, I have this summer to control (awful word, but he is my son) what happens during it. I've already scheduled a busy summer for the boys full of bball camps and AAU games along with a family trip. They really wouldn't have time to spend together in reality and she doesn't live anywhere near us, thank goodness, and neither of them are able to drive. So, I am asking them to take a summer break and to re-evaluate things in the new school year.
My son just finished reading my letter to the both of them. He read it twice. I asked him what he thought and he replied that he agreed with everything in it. I asked him what he wanted once he graduates from high school and he says he wants to play ball in college. I then told the story of the 16 yr old home school couple and the consequences of their poor choices. Then pointed out the severity of those pictures and how it could ruin him. He looked as though he was about to cry. I told him I love him and I understand. I too had a serious boyfriend at his age that continued into my senior year and how I wish I could take things back but it's too late.
He said he will think and pray on what has been said and on Monday talk to little miss and see what decision they will make.
Dont know what else I can do. I've tried to treat him as adult as I can.
Just gonna pray about it.
Here's what I know, I have this summer to control (awful word, but he is my son) what happens during it. I've already scheduled a busy summer for the boys full of bball camps and AAU games along with a family trip. They really wouldn't have time to spend together in reality and she doesn't live anywhere near us, thank goodness, and neither of them are able to drive. So, I am asking them to take a summer break and to re-evaluate things in the new school year.
My son just finished reading my letter to the both of them. He read it twice. I asked him what he thought and he replied that he agreed with everything in it. I asked him what he wanted once he graduates from high school and he says he wants to play ball in college. I then told the story of the 16 yr old home school couple and the consequences of their poor choices. Then pointed out the severity of those pictures and how it could ruin him. He looked as though he was about to cry. I told him I love him and I understand. I too had a serious boyfriend at his age that continued into my senior year and how I wish I could take things back but it's too late.
He said he will think and pray on what has been said and on Monday talk to little miss and see what decision they will make.
Dont know what else I can do. I've tried to treat him as adult as I can.
Just gonna pray about it.
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Katchie---I can see how hard you are trying to do the right thing. I give you so much credit for this!!
I just want to say one thing--about my point of view (I have raised 3 teenagers!)--that this phrase "treat like an adult" is perhaps too...advanced--for lack of a better word. He is 15yrs. old, I think it is more helpful to think of it as treating him appropriately for h is stage of development. He is still a kid--with stirrings of adult-like desires...but, without the adult brain development to fully manage those desires completely on his own (like an adult would be expected to). He is just beginning that metamorphosis from dependence to independence. I think the trick--the difficult trick--is to know what is the APPROPRIATE amount of limits or freedoms to provide.
Wow...this is hard o n the parents!! In my opinion, this age is far m ore demanding on the parents than when they are young and are totally dependent on us. It takes more supervision and a lot more of our attentive energies.
Katchie---don't hesitate to get help from other outside sources--as much to support yourself as anything else--if your husband resists--in spite of your efforts--to involve himself.
I wouldn't give up on trying to get your husband to join forces with you.
dandylion
I just want to say one thing--about my point of view (I have raised 3 teenagers!)--that this phrase "treat like an adult" is perhaps too...advanced--for lack of a better word. He is 15yrs. old, I think it is more helpful to think of it as treating him appropriately for h is stage of development. He is still a kid--with stirrings of adult-like desires...but, without the adult brain development to fully manage those desires completely on his own (like an adult would be expected to). He is just beginning that metamorphosis from dependence to independence. I think the trick--the difficult trick--is to know what is the APPROPRIATE amount of limits or freedoms to provide.
Wow...this is hard o n the parents!! In my opinion, this age is far m ore demanding on the parents than when they are young and are totally dependent on us. It takes more supervision and a lot more of our attentive energies.
Katchie---don't hesitate to get help from other outside sources--as much to support yourself as anything else--if your husband resists--in spite of your efforts--to involve himself.
I wouldn't give up on trying to get your husband to join forces with you.
dandylion
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I didn't mean "treat like an adult" in the literal sense of the words, just that HE would think that.
Teenagers crave autonomy. Some parents go all out, like, you can drink in my house if you want to because you're going to do it anyway, and at least I know you're safe, or you can have sex in my house if you want to because I know you're going to do it anyway, but I think that goes a little overboard.
All I mean is that, he is going to resent this if he doesn't feel like part of it is his decision. When I was a teenager, my parents loved my boyfriend, until they found out that he smoked weed, and then it was the end of the world. I spent more time trying to figure out how to get around their blocking his number on the phone, calling work to make sure I was really there instead of calling out to spend time with him, etc. I loved him, I really did, and to this day, I blame my parents for destroying that relationship.
I talk to him today, and I don't love him anymore, because we have both changed. But to this day, my parents can't stand him. I was going to do what I was going to do anyway, but their constant pressure made me want him even more. He was no good for me, who he was then, and half the attraction was that my parents hated him so much. I won't even tell you what I did to be able to see him, and btw, none of it involved sex-I was a virgin, not that my parents believed me when I told them over and over again.
That is like, my first (of many) resentment toward my parents. Seriously, I will never forgive them for that. It would have been better if they had told me how they felt but let me make my own decision, so I would know on my own that he was no good for me, instead of trying to force me to bend to their will.
However, I will say, I was 17 then, not 15, and I had already graduated high school, although that makes no difference in the eyes of the law-I was still a minor.
Teenagers crave autonomy. Some parents go all out, like, you can drink in my house if you want to because you're going to do it anyway, and at least I know you're safe, or you can have sex in my house if you want to because I know you're going to do it anyway, but I think that goes a little overboard.
All I mean is that, he is going to resent this if he doesn't feel like part of it is his decision. When I was a teenager, my parents loved my boyfriend, until they found out that he smoked weed, and then it was the end of the world. I spent more time trying to figure out how to get around their blocking his number on the phone, calling work to make sure I was really there instead of calling out to spend time with him, etc. I loved him, I really did, and to this day, I blame my parents for destroying that relationship.
I talk to him today, and I don't love him anymore, because we have both changed. But to this day, my parents can't stand him. I was going to do what I was going to do anyway, but their constant pressure made me want him even more. He was no good for me, who he was then, and half the attraction was that my parents hated him so much. I won't even tell you what I did to be able to see him, and btw, none of it involved sex-I was a virgin, not that my parents believed me when I told them over and over again.
That is like, my first (of many) resentment toward my parents. Seriously, I will never forgive them for that. It would have been better if they had told me how they felt but let me make my own decision, so I would know on my own that he was no good for me, instead of trying to force me to bend to their will.
However, I will say, I was 17 then, not 15, and I had already graduated high school, although that makes no difference in the eyes of the law-I was still a minor.
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Feeling Protective
Hey Katchie! I have no advice, I have daughters and they're still babes BUT your post reminded me of this blog post I read a few months ago. She caught a LOT of flack for writing this (I agree with the flack she received, but that's neither here nor there) but its a similar issue that you're dealing with so it might be helpful to you. Sending you hugs!
http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fy...-teenage-girl/
http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fy...-teenage-girl/
Last edited by Stung; 05-02-2014 at 04:43 PM. Reason: iPhone fail!
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Hey Katchie! I have no advice, I have daughters and they're still babes BUT your post reminded me of this blog post I read a few months ago. She caught a LOT of flack for writing this (I agree with the flack she received, but that's neither here nor there) but its a similar issue that you're dealing with so it might be helpful to you. Sending you hugs!
FYI (if you’re a teenage girl) | Given Breath
FYI (if you’re a teenage girl) | Given Breath
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Stung, thanks for sharing the blog link. Great post by that mom of teen boys and I plan to share it with my girls.
Katchie, parenting is the toughest job I've ever had. It gets harder as they grow older, especially when you're the sole decision maker as it sounds like you are. I admire your efforts. Just want to say keep doing what you're doing. You're a good mom and your son is blessed that you care enough to show it through your actions as well as your words.
Katchie, parenting is the toughest job I've ever had. It gets harder as they grow older, especially when you're the sole decision maker as it sounds like you are. I admire your efforts. Just want to say keep doing what you're doing. You're a good mom and your son is blessed that you care enough to show it through your actions as well as your words.
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