BlueSkiesAgain

I haven't been around for quite a while. I got a life that included "living for me" as my younger son so wisely suggested I do. I went back to work, bought a beach house and started doing things that made me happy.

My recovering alcoholic son is almost 23. I spent a few years desperate and without hope and constantly worrying about where he was and what he was doing. I also spent way to much money to make sure he didn't go hungry or without a house and all those things that go with enabling when as a parent we just want to call it supporting our kids.

My wake up call came when he went to AA and one of the leaders relapsed and took a bunch of the "kids" with him. I was angry and fed up. I even blamed the AA guy. It was my son who chose to follow. I realized that I had given my son all the tools to make the right choices so I had no obligation to him. I kicked my son out and told him he could not come back. PERIOD. That was the best thing I ever did. I slept well that night. Very well. My son did come back and talked to his father and was "devastated" that I was no longer supporting him. Me not supporting him made him grow up fast. It was at that time that he realized he really didn't have anything or anyone.

Well, all of that was nearly a year ago. He is sober, happy, healthy, and planning on law school. He is living at home to save money but is polite, helpful, and sober.

I use to read this forum and wonder how in the world parents could kick their kids out. It was the best thing I ever did. My son even told me that when I finally kicked him out and meant it (I had sort of done it before) he realized that he was going to be a gutter drunk if he didn't change. He often uses the phrase that he chose not to be a gutter drunk. The most important part of that is that he chose it. I couldn't do it for him.

So there is hope.

dandylion

Oh, BlueSkiesAgain---I remember you and your son so very well! I followed you very closely--because I had walked in your shoes, myself.

I kicked my son out, also. It is soo hard for a parent to get to that point and carry through.

I am thrilled that you remembered us and took your time to bring us this (great) update.

I know it will help some other parents who read this board..

You have been such a caring mother.

dandylion

BlueSkiesAgain

Dandylion, I use to read the comments sometimes and say that doesn't apply to me. OMG, how wrong I was? I went to Al-Anon - actually encouraged by son. Thinking I was so different and my situation was so different. It was only when I realized that everyone else was right and I was deluded that I was able to realize that I had given up my life to try and live my son's life. I actually feel like a grown up now. My son knows that I will no longer live his life and I no longer feel the need to parent him. I heard a guy in Al-Anon say he told his son that he is no longer his "child" that he is his "adult son". I made the conscious decision to allow my son to be an adult. It was so hard but so worth it.

dandylion

BlueSkies---it is such a difficult transition for the parent to make. As mothers, we begin our relationship with them when they are actually within our own bodies. A combinatiin of instinct and culture directs us to protect them and nurture them--with our very l ives, if necessary. It is actually about the very propagation of our species.

Then, after a couple of decades of nurturing them and putting their welfare as our top priority--we are supposed to stop!!!!!!!!!!! It is hard to change o ur maternal thinking on a dime. Hard. Hard. Hard.

I wish all parents who are having trouble with their teens or young adults (sometimes, even older)---would reach for help and support much, much sooner. Getting that help makes a world of difference.

BlueSkies--sounds like you made the transition in one piece and have your feet on solid ground. I am so happy for you.

dandylion