HealingWillCome

I just spent (wasted) a chunk of my morning in mental combat with myself. I rarely go there anymore, but when I do I hate it.

I'm talking about re-hashing the time (years) that I have spent in relationships with men that were unhealthy. I think about how my life might be different if I had listened to instinct when I started those relationships.

I think about how my children have seen me try to make relationships work with an alcoholic/addict. What if I had not gone there? How would my children be different, if at all? How would my relationships with my children be different? My kids are so smart, so perceptive. How have I changed their perception of me? Do they respect me less? How much happier could their childhoods have been if I had not been in an unhealthy place myself?

Or have I taught them anything about the dangers of trying to make something work with an alcoholic? I hope so. I know they are their own people, and will make their own decisions along the way. It kills me to know that they could very well choose the same path I did...instead of holding out for healthy. I chose my husband, their dad, on a subconscious level, I'm sure of it. I was looking for someone (an alcoholic) who would love me and NOT leave me like alcoholic father did to us. Turns out, xah left us just like alcoholic father did. I love my girls to undefinable depths, like mothers do. To know that I have not always been the best example to them along the way kills me. Guilt. Caught me off guard this morning, but really, it's always there under the surface.

Maybe getting this out is not wasted energy, I'm not sure. I think I need to put some focus on it, for my own peace of mind, because it is always under the surface. Just not sure in this moment how to go about doing that.

AZliving

First of all, forgive yourself. We can't change the past. We can work on bettering ourselves today. That is all we have, today. I understand your feelings regarding your children. My children did see me at my worst. They do love me unconditionally. It was because of them that I stopped drinking. The love you have for them can heal all things. With your higher power, you can achieve the impossible... I'm sure of it.

We are here for you.

Mango blast

It's not wasted energy to think of these things, but then apply the 12 steps to this and maybe it won't be as guilt-producing and instead becomes a part of the journey you've been on. (((hugs)))

In the past, I did the best I was able to at the time. Now I'm learning more, growing, becoming stronger and more mindful of myself and others. I'm no longer trying for perfection on the things I do and failing at so much else. Doing anything in itself is fine. Sometimes doing nothing is a contemplative action, to be allowed instead of harassing myself about it.

Progress NOT perfection, in all things. Even to the extent of backsliding. Where I used to backslide, it'd take days or weeks to overcome. Now when I backslide the tools and skills I've been learning help me recover easier and sooner.

My children will have their own paths to follow and there will be bumps along the way. With adversity, a person is challenged to be more. I don't wish any adversities for them, but I know there will be some and they will become stronger for that. What I can do for them is to learn how to take care of myself and give them that role model in their lives. To be an example of how a person can change, develop and very importantly: learn to connect with others and reach out for help. To develop relationships with them, accepting them fully for who they are right now. Not looking towards the potential in them, but how they are today.

And perhaps I'll add this to a journal as a reminder to myself.

HealingWillCome

I was triggered last night when I pulled an old self-help book off the shelf. There were some notes tucked in the pages that I wrote not long after xah left our family over 14 years ago. My girls were so young, and I was an emotional mess at that time. I was writing about my anger and how I would yell at my innocent girls at times when they didn't deserve it. Breaks my heart. I guess I've been carrying my guilt for a long time.

AZ, as soon as I read the words, 'forgive yourself', tears started streaming down my cheeks. I know you struck something in me. It's hard to know that I have hurt my children at all when I know that they are my greatest gifts and my greatest responsibility. They deserve my best. I see the wounds that they carry from the mistakes their parents have made and it breaks my heart. I am not sure how to go about forgiving myself. I have a strong faith. You reminded me that that is where I need to place my trust.

Keepingthefaith, thank you for mentioning step work. It's been a while since I've done any. I was wondering to myself this morning if I should go there again. Umm, hello... You also struck a cord with me when you said 'progress NOT perfection, in all things'. Perfectionism is one of my weaknesses. Letting go of perfectionism requires patience and trust. Thank you for helping me remember that. And thank your for your compassion.

I've been thinking about a lot lately about the innocence of children. Children trust completely until they learn not to. It took me until adulthood to understand that people actually make conscious choices knowing they will hurt others. Honestly, that still boggles my mind sometimes. I still expect people to make choices that won't hurt others, but then get knocked back into reality when I see ugly things happen. And I know I have hurt others with my conscious choices. I find myself forgiving others easily, but self-forgiveness is much harder for me.