petmagnet

Ok, I do not know enough about the recovery process to know if what I am observing my AH go thru is normal or not. I keep feeling like my AH is resentful and not very thankful. In Dec. he got a second DUI and has been going to AA I believe mainly because it was ordered. He hasn't drank for 90 or so days. Last night he told me he was angry that his mom told him she was proud of him for going to AA. and that she obviously isn't proud of him for anything else good he's done in his life. Then he goes on to tell me he doesn't want me sharing any up-coming court information with his family because he doesn't want to be the drama topic of the family. But... this is the same guy who when he was drinking was in the middle of anybody's drama he could get into, and when there wasn't any drama created it.

I told him he has put me in a hard place, because his mom always asks about things like court dates, and how things went. I now can't say anything? I told him I gave her the facts and what she does with it drama wise with the rest of the family is not my issue, and I told him to take that up with her. I also said from now on I'd defer all questions directly to him because I am not allowed to talk about it. It really ticked me off.

So what's up with all the secrecy now? Why is he acting like this? Yup, it's humiliating and he is trying to hide from the embarrassment. I believe I am dealing with a dry drunk. He isn't facing what he needs to and hiding. His family already knows he got into trouble so really what's the big deal here? I'm so frustrated. Is this part of the process? I feel like it's just another form of avoidance.

biminiblue

His business is his business. You will be a lot happier if you step out of any conversations that are three legged. Like his mom asking about him.

He is beginning to see the consequences of actions. He is setting boundaries with his family. I see this as a good thing. His court dates are his business. Pretty soon he won't tell you anything if you continue to overstep privacy issues.

What goes on with him is his to share or not. He may tell you and he may not. Work on you.

He's going to meetings. He's not drinking. He's going to his court dates. That's awesome.

dandylion

petmagnet---I can tell you what I would do (and, have done). Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. It is often the elephant in the room in alcoholic families that no one talks about.

If it were me and his mother asked me straight-up--I would tell her straight up. Especially, since she is close immediate family to the both of you. Actually, it is public information.
Now, I would not go out being the town crier and telling anyone who did not have a "need to know".

If it were a different matter--For example--if he were falsely accused of a crime--I'll bet he would have it on twitter and tell his mother and anyone else that would listen. But, if is about his drinking...not so much.
I don't think you are absolutely bound to keep this a secret.

Just my position on this. Others may disagree with it , of course.....

dandylion

LifeRecovery

I struggled with my loved one (exAH) and his mother.

They both would tell me things....and then ask me to keep it secret from the other one....after they had told me things. They would not pre-empt it. This was important things like his father's health (he was terminally ill at the time).

I struggled with this for a long time. I talked to both of them about how this put me in a terrible spot. I requested they both stop. As a result I finally had to set a boundary (probably my first clear one). If you choose to tell me something important about a family matter, I am not willing to keep it a secret from other family members.

It was their choice to tell me or not, and thus keep it a secret or not, it was not their choice what I did with it.

I don't know if it kept them from telling me things or not....it did keep me from being so conflicted about it.

Part of my dis-ease is getting myself into the middle of things.....part of my recovery is figuring out how not to do that, or to get myself out.

Good luck, this was a hard piece for me.

petmagnet

Dandylion,

That's kinda been my thought. I don't understand the sudden secrecy when he's been willing to "air" everything else out in the past. I am definitely not the town crier type and have always resented him dragging out our intimate lives, and his perspective on such in the past with people that were not in the "need to know" category. So, I'd never do that to him. In fact, I've only ever given basic info to his mom, when she'd asked me directly.

I dunno. It's not like this is just now coming out. His family already knew. I'm just not getting his sudden hush hush attitude. Along with some of the other negativity I am seeing from time to time about AA or people who have been in it almost daily for the long term. I am trying to let him do his thing, but when he does talk to me about these things it concerns me and some flags start waving. I am trying not to say a lot or rock his "recovery" boat. For now, I think I will just defer the family questions to him and see where he goes with this. I'm on guard though...none of this "feels" good to me and of course I really don't trust him yet either.

hopeful4

Yup. When I opened up about my XAH's alcoholism I felt so much more free. I have never covered it up again to anyone. I refuse and it set me free in many many ways.

GracieLou

The anger is normal. He is angry at himself and his alcoholism. He may have resentments against his mother that he has not yet dealt with.

Gratitude comes but it also takes time. It sounds like he has only been sober four months and “4” is just a number. Some move quickly, some move slowly. If he is going to AA, remaining sober and honestly dealing with his court issues then he is doing what he can. It is very stressful for the both of you.

I agree to set up boundaries. If his mother is asking, firmly tell her she must speak to him directly. It is mother and son, they need to develop some type of communication with each other and not use a go between. If he prefers not to discuss it with her, that is his right. He does not lose that right because he is an alcoholic and has legal issues. Just because she is his mother does not give her free rein into every issue he has. Of course mothers worry but that still does not make is mandatory for him or you to disclose anything about his recovery or your life together with her.

If she asks, you can simply say that you have removed yourself as a verbal gopher. If she wants to know she will need to speak to him directly.

ladyscribbler

This type of public drama is very common in alcoholic codependent families. You can tell his mom to ask him if she wants to know about him, that sounds like a sane and sensible solution to me- refer them to the source. Like others said, his recovery is his business.
So he's in AA. Good for him.
How are you doing with all of it? Are you working a recovery for you? This sounds like a very confusing and difficult time in your marriage. Do you have a support system? Have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery?

Refiner

I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like he might just be going through the "court ordered" motions right now and has every intention to start up his drinking again. And if everyone is involved and knows his "business" now they will ultimately look upon him as a failure when he starts the drinking back up. Also, that sentence about being so angry that his mom "isn't proud of him for anything else good he's done in his life" spoke volumes to me.

FireSprite

^ This, all of it.

It definitely sounds like he is going through anger, shame, resentments, etc. the longer he stays dry. Whether he's committed to the program or not he can still be affected by what he sees & hears in meetings. Also, just because he used to be the pot-stirrer for the family drama doesn't mean he is still that person going forward, especially if it's a change brought on by a true desire to recover. No telling until he is doing it for himself & not the courts, right?

What I did for my own sanity was know nothing - I can't tell you when RAH is due back in court, when he's supposed to be checking in with his probation, what he has paid or still owes in fines, etc. I know the big strokes - he was referred for addtional weekly counseling which involves random drug testing & I only know/retain that info because it affected the family's weekly schedule. The rest is up to him to handle & when other people ask I tell them to talk to him with any questions because my plate is full enough without tracking his DUI crap. People who really care follow up with him (my mom) & everyone who just want gossip or drama drop the topic right there.

petmagnet

Thanks to all for the solid advice. Yes ladyscribbler, I have been to Alanon meetings, and I have been through an intensive program at Hazelden for family of alcoholics a while ago now. I've read co-dependent no more a zillion times, it's my go to book. I am doing ok- I think...I hope!! I had become very detached during his active alcoholic phase, and really didn't give a crap what he did. I know in the long run there is nothing I can do to change it anyway. It's his choices and his life. Sure it will be very disappointing, but not unexpected if it does happen. I just really wasn't sure how to handle this totally new attitude of don't share "my" info thing. It really had made me knid of mad to be told not to talk about something so glaring in our lives anyway. But, it sounds like referring his family back to the source and stepping out of the middle man position is the best thing to do. The whole family has communication issues! I agree they need to work out their own crap. I'm tired of being their family mediator- I'm out!

Refiner, you are speaking my concerns or flags to a Tee! I hope not as well. I hope for his sake he doesn't go back to drinking. It does seem that way though, that its possibly compliance driven. I still see a lot of the self pity rather than ownership- a prominent family trait of his. But, like I said I am letting him do his thing. I know will never fully understand the stages he's in or going through. What ever the reason for going I just hope some of it sticks. I however am most definitely in self protection mode still. Probably will be for a long time.

Recovering2

90 days sober is early early early in recovery. It's a hard time for both parties. When my RABF was first out of treatment, I was scared to death. I wanted to know everything about his meetings, his plan, etc. But I knew enough from counseling and AlAnon that it really wasn't my business. His recovery is his recovery. Stay on my side of the street and focus on me.
Maybe your husband is headed to relapse, or maybe he's just struggling with early recovery. Either way, there is nothing you can do about it. I agree completely that his court dates, etc are HIS business and family isn't automatically entitled to know. If his Mom asks you, kindly and firmly let her know if she wants to discuss it she needs to talk with him. Get yourself out of the middle.
I know how hard this early period is. For today, be grateful that he's sober and going to AA.