Dunwith

I am overwhelmed, as many family members are. My AW who has also been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality is wearing me down. She went to rehab and spent 30 days there blaming me the entire time. She came out and made it 6 days before relapsing. Again blaming me then apologizing then doing everything right for 3 days and today I'm the bad guy again. She is going to meetings but not really actively involving herself. No sponsor no steps just goes sits and leaves. I am going to meetings and working steps, I am just having a hard time with compassion and patience right now. I want our lives to be pleasant I want my daughters to have the mommy they deserve. We have been married 13 years and have 6 and 8 year old girls and I am losing the will to keep this thing going. I know I am in the early stages of her treatment and recovery, but I read these posts and it all seems so bleak that I wonder if it is worth continuing the struggle for much longer or ending it now. I'm on a roller coaster and want off, can anyone give me some good news? I love her I hate the disease but the two are becoming one.

isitme

Eh, I wish I had some good advice. But quite frankly the NPD is scarier to me than that alcohol. Pathology can't be corrected. I wish you all the strength you need for which ever path you choose. Stay strong for your girls.

amy55

I think I have to agree with isitme. I really don't want to, but I think I have to. See, I truly believe that besides alcoholism my ex probably was borderline personality disorder. One is a disorder, one is a disease. They are both 2 different things,

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I know you have a lot of things on your mind, and it is probably hard to talk to others about this. I know it was very hard for me.

Consider this your save place. A place that you can come to, to let out your thoughts, your hopes. It's a very good place for you. We do understand here.

We can help you with detachment.

We can be there for you to lean on, when you may have trouble standing alone. Just know that we are here for you and your daughters.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

Woodman123

Dunwith- firstly, welcome to SR and sorry to hear of your struggles. Keep coming back- ALOT of people here with alot of compassion and experience. I can completely relate. I would paint a pretty picture if I could... I think I would be a bit more positive if your AW were truly embracing the opportunity to get better. If I've learned one thing from my AW it's that the alcoholic has to really WANT to get better and COMMIT to doing everything they can to work a program, or else sadly they will fail. Casual attendance doesn't count... I know this because my AW has bounced in and out of detox and rehab, IOP, transient AA meetings- even got a sponsor- but does not participate meaningfully. Nothing has stopped her from needing a monthly ER visit- 10 in the past year. This too may relate to some fringe NPD, as my wife always says she's too smart to let this beat her, that she should be able to control it herself- doesn't need any help (which is an absolute joke after the hell we've been through) but nevertheless, after may years of this I have both feet in the lifeboat now and will be sailing away soon. i have been married almost 24 years- for 19 of them my AW was the brightest, most responsible, most positive, more trustworthy human being I knew. Those qualities are all but gone now- alcohol is a liquid demon for some. You need to protect yourself and your girls. Sorry to not be more positive.

lillamy

I get that. The question is -- if your AW is going to continue being the person she is now, is that a good person for the girls to be around?

I'm asking because it's easy to look at biology as making a parent automatically GOOD for his/her children. That's not always the case.

There are a couple of folks here on the board who grew up with NPD parents. They can tell you more about what it was like to be a child in a household like that.

And I'm only mentioning this because it seems most of us are raised to believe that keeping the family together at any cost is the highest virtue. I've learned differently on this board.

biminiblue

Truly, NPD is serious stuff. I grew up with a single parent, my mother. She would never have ever admitted she had a problem, but she fits the description to a tee, and was also a drinker.

Read this thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-mother.html

And take care of yourself and your children. Now might the best time to make the split, when you have the chance. You may have the best chance of custody while she's still so close to treatment - and you will be able to start to heal your and your childrens' lives.

I ran away at 14, and really should have disappeared myself. Going back just set me up for four more years of the same crappola but worse, because then she had more stuff to throw in my face. Those years were filled with my drug and alcohol abuse that continued on for nearly two decades, until I got into therapy and knocked her off her self-made pedestal.

Prayers and (eHug)

petmagnet

I am sorry for what your going through. I had a mother who I believe was NPD, it was a living hell some days. I never felt like I had my own life as a child. I am curious however if this a relatively new diagnosis for your wife, one she got while in treatment or if she had it before her alcoholism and treatment? When my AH went through inpatient they told me they wouldn't diagnose anything psychological until he was sober 6 months or more. When a person quits drinking it really makes their moods cycle like crazy for quite a while. So it's hard to tell if they are NPD, Bipolar or whatever for a while. So, just curious...

My AH did the same thing- he only made it 4 days out of rehab before drinking again, and acted like he was bi-polar, so I understand your frustration. It took some very serious consequences recently for my AH to even seem like he wanted to possibly change. I believe alcoholism is a very narcissistic disease in the first place, even with out a NPD diagnosis. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children and how long you want to wait it out for a recovery. NPD is a hard one. It will never be about anyone but her in varying forms and it's something that probably won't go away. It might become less severe if the quits drinking, but it will not disappear. I guess that's something you will want to ask yourself, if you can truly live with her NPD for the rest of your marriage. Please keep reading and coming on here. There are really nice people who understand what you're going thru and have some great knowledge to share. Good luck to you...hugs.

hopeful4

No matter what the disease is if you don't want to become well you will not. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Recovering2

She is not in recovery. She relapsed 6 days out of rehab, isn't actively participating in meetings, is blaming you, etc. That is not recovery. As much as you want your kids to have the Mommy they deserve, you can't force that to happen. If she's not willing to focus on true recovery and treatment, then she will not be the Mom your kids deserve.

All you can do is take care of you and the kids. Read over in the adult children of alcoholics to get a glimpse of the impact this can have on your kids. I really hope you find peace.

Dunwith

They did say that some of the personality disorder may be a result of the drinking. She was always harder to deal with during stressful moments than what is considered normal. Very angry during arguments and verbally abusive. She only rages at me. I have never seen her do it to the kids or her parents. She disengages from them more than the anger or belitting. But this was all multiplied several times when her drinking got out of control a few months ago.

Thank you for your responses. I am leaning on God to give me wisdom and coming here was one of his will. I'm scared lonely and trying to work a system that goes against all of my co dependent insticts. Prayers are accepted