amy55

RollTide, we are all here for you. Did I tell you today that I love you?

amy55

wtbh, I support you in any way that I can. Your ex is super crazy. I wanted to post to you, I just thought it might aggravate you more. I totally support you, and keeping your daughters safe.

RollTide

Thanks, Amy. I love you, too.

This place literally saved my life. In AlAnon I hard over and over, "Lift them up in prayer." I did that. I did it a long time before I ever went to AlAnon. But here I heard my story over and over and over. And I knew what I had to do if my life was ever going to get any better.

I'm 3 1/2 years post divorce. I thank God every day for the day that I finally said "Enough."

I'm thankful for the people that said the things that made a difference to me. That's why I keep coming back.

amy55

I never went to Alanon. I heard here over and over, Let Go, Let Good. I did!!!!! I thank this place also for saving my sanity. I wish you the best in life, you deserve it.

RollTide

And you deserve it too!

amy55

You made my day, thank you.

amy55

D@mn you RollTide you got me crying. Tears of happiness though.

RollTide

Amy, I figure that for every person that posts on here there are 100 lurking. I lurked for a very long time. So if one thing I say makes sense to them then I want to continue to say it as a way to thank those who helped me. And you help MANY by your posts.

wanttobehealthy

Amy- it wouldn't have aggravated me . I was a mess last week and triggered all over the place and triggered others too I'm sure- you among them and I'm sorry for that

amy55

Wow, thank you for that. I sometimes feel that I am a contraversial b!tch.

embraced2000

hey! i thought that was my title!

amy55

wtbh, I am sorry for that. I wanted to respond to you. You are going thru h3ll and back. I can't imagine going thru what you are going thru now. I would have already put a knife in his back. Sorry, my bad. I am there for you. I will always be there for you.

RollTide

Just be you and speak your truth and that will help others.

amy55

Hey embrace, you can have that title, I just can't seem to spell it right. (lol)

amy55

RollTide,

Thank you. And I wish you the best, and just know I will always be here for you. You deserve love, and I love you.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

amy

wanttobehealthy

Karma really is due to kick his a$$ right about now, don't you think?
Truly beginning to wonder what god is trying to teach me bc I've learned about enough at this point and would really love for my kids to just have some of their childhood be drama/trauma free

DD9s bday reminded me that half her childhood is over and she has spent all of these 9 years being hurt and traumatized by her father and for a time by me bc I stayed w him. Having a hard time swallowing this reality.

Aeryn

Well my trigger is probably one that means I shouldn't post much here...lol....for anyone that doesn't know me my main abuser in my life was not my XRAH but instead was my NPD mother. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point my therapist says I have PTSD over it (that whole trauma bond thing took me 30 years to break) - she was mean, controlling, judgemental, told lies about me to others to hold me down, passive aggressive and an untreated codependent that made my childhood so nightmarish that when I talk about it it's unbelievable for some people...so yes I get majorly triggered on a board for codependents...and since I married an A and became codependent myself I had self worth and esteem issues because I worried I had become exactly like her! My therapist said she is one of the worst emotional abuse cases he's heard in years and the damage of emotional abuse is often harder to overcome that physical because it damages the very soul of a child.

So I get triggered when I feel I'm being "helped" in a way that is even slightly controlling or being told what to do in a way that feels even slightly passive aggressive (or being told what or who I am with "we" or "should" statements...my mother had rules I had to play by or I was a "bad" kid)- as a child I sat back and took it my entire life so now I'm not willing to accept even a bit of that...and I know sometimes that makes people not so happy with me...but it's not personal it's just me being me and speaking up for myself (new for me). Standing up to it is part of my healing because as a kid I was taught that I must be fake and nice and pretend it's ok...and it's not. But it's never ever personal so hopefully no one took it that way. I think everyone here is brave and great and I'm working on being strong and standing up but in a way that is clear and firm but not mean.

Why do I stay? (I'm out 2 years total now) Well part if it is my path to recovery was different than a lot of people (therapy not Alanon based) and I want others with the same issues to know there is more than one path so I figure if I share my ESH maybe it will help someone that would otherwise run from Alanon due to being triggered by it like I was...and it's ok to find a different path as long as it works or at least I think so.

SR gave me the ESH I needed to help gather my courage to leave way back when I first arrived at my codie bottom 3 years ago...I had to change my name due to my Mom hiring PIs and privacy issues but yeah I've been here that long.

wanttobehealthy

Aeryn. My BPD/NPD mom sounds so much like yours and my PTSD is originally due to her. And then I basically recreated the abusive relationship I had w her in my marriage to xAH. So I completely and totally understand everything you're saying. Sadly.

amy55

wtbh, you didn't know. Neither did I. I didn't know what damage they were doing. Mine is different from yours, but I just need to give you and your D's tonight many hugs. I am usually a very calm person, but what you are dealing with, I couldn't. I say prayers each night for you and your children. I also hope that nanny cam will work, even though, I don't think anyone should have to have to do that.

If there is anyway you can get out to Pa, you have a place to stay with me. You and the kids.

Aeryn

My T said I recreated my father's end of the abusive relationship (he was an absentee alcoholic that hid from my mother's abuse and basically was non-existent in the household) but some of my XRAH's family was almost as abusive as my mother...so I get how it follows us until we work though it. And it's hard to start saying no to it but I'm determined to be who I am and how I want to be from here on out, even if that makes others mad in my life...never again will I sit down while someone else controls me and takes my sense of worth (I was basically her puppet and she pulled the strings and if I retaliated against it I was humiliated and shamed)...even if it's only a little bit.