amy55

((((Florence)))), ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

That post of yours was absolutely beautiful. It made me think of things. You had a wide awakening of what was happening. I think I knew all along. I don't think I was in denial about that stuff, I was more into denial about, " don't tell me I can't fix this ".

I have bookcases full of self-help books. The problem here with me, I wasn't using them to help "me". I was using them to "fix him".

So I think in reality, my biggest trigger is that I don't want someone else to spend years and years on trying to fix another person, I want to tell them, I did that, btdt, don't waste your time. If you have a question, ask it, I'll answer it, I read all the books!!!!!!!! I researched it all, I researched it, till that was the only thing going on in my head. I drove myself "crazy".

I can see all of this now, and yes, all of those self-help books, well, they started to actually work when I applied them to me.

I developed a lot of patience. I had to. My ex abused me daily. I am now taking that patience that I learned, and developed, not to my ex, he doesn't deserve it, I am now going to give that to others that do. I am that "hopium addict", and in a way that's ok. It's kinda like I want to say to everyone, "stop the research", if he/she is treating you bad, (abusive), don't try to figure out the reason why. I spent years doing this, that if I can stop just 1 day of another persons self-torture, then I will be ok.

Then I think about all of the "trigger" people have. We are actually all looking at ourselves, and looking at what we perceived to be our wrongs, so that someone else doesn't do the same thing.

I had a lot of awakenings with this thread. Thank You.

amy55

I need to mention my biggest trigger, since I think this might be the firsIt time that I have ever been this honest.

I am an RA. I came to this board for help for me. My ex is an A. That's not why I left him. I left him because he was abusive. I think at times I could have stayed if he was an A but he wasn't abusive. I would have even went out and gotten him his beer, if he would only show me a little respect!!!!!

So I don't reply to that many threads, because, well, I just don't know how sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a fraud even being in this section.

I am an RA, I self-medicated. I didn't try to intentionally harm anyone, but I know I did because I was emotionally absent of my own doing, because I wanted to cease to exist.

hopeful4

You belong here Amy!!! (((hugs)))

Florence

You're a double-winner and you have a lot of good company.

amy55

Thank you so much Florence and hopeful.

Sometimes I think about how messed up I am, and trying to find a place to fit in, I sometimes think that it is ironic, that I can go to a place where there are so many people hurting, but yet, I still feel that I don't fit in.

It's not that I think I am terminally unique !!!!! I think sometimes, that this is where I felt the most comfortable, while still not feeling comfortable because I am an RA.

I would actually qualify for aa, acoa, alanon, dv survivor, cancer survivor, perhaps more. I don't know.

I do know what I want. I want my life to be happy. I am learning a lot here from how my actions also could have effected someone else. So sometimes, I may not be responding to threads, cause I don't know how, but I am reading all of them.

It's been making a big change in my life, and I just want to say thanks to SR, and to all of you.

It is really great, and eye opening to meet each and everyone of you here.

amy55

I think I figured out what my biggest trigger is......

I don't really associate alcoholism with abuse. I do know that if you are an alcoholic that you can/are still abusive, because emotionally you are not present. I can understand all of that.

I think I tend to look at the both as 2 separate issues. I see posts where a person was physically hurt, and they are thinking that if think person stopped drinking that this behavior would stop. I sometimes see that person then being jumped on. I was that person. I thought if my ex would stop drinking, the abuse would stop. It didn't. My ex was abusive. He didn't need a bottle to do it. It was how his brain was wired.

I went through this for so long, my brain was being rewired. We talked about the "frog" thing here, I was the "frog". It took close to 3 decades for me get out. To start listening to my inner self.

So I think sometimes that my biggest trigger is when someone posts, and they may or not say the "A" word, ABUSE, I can still feel it. Those are the posts that I can't post to, till they say the "A" word (abuse). It's hard enough to think that you are married to an alcoholic, and you are just coming to accept this, and wanting to know about this, then we, or I can throw out the other word. (Abuse).

I know the recovery rates for alcoholism, did anyone every research the recovery rates for an abuser. It might be 2% of those that are really out there seeking treatment. How many are out there that are not seeking treatment?

To me, that stuff is ingrained in their head, just like walking and talking is. It's like trying to learn a whole new language, and not reverting back to your native language.

Thanks again for keeping me company last night and today. I got to know you a lot better, and I love you all.

amy55

I just thought of something, and I was wondering what other people thought about this.

I do know that this forum already has many sections to it. I was wondering if anyone else thought there should be a part of this just dealing with abuse? Domestic violence. I would never want to word it as "Domestic Violence", because even though, I have been through this, I can't associate with that term. It would make me feel like I am a victim.

Perhaps something as simple as verbal abuse. We all do know what that is. I look at the stickies above in this section and there is so much about abuse, but there is no real section to go to. Sometimes I feel this might turn people away. I was/am maybe still in denial about my ex's alcoholism. I'm not in denial about his abuse. I came to this section to find out how I hurt people, but then I saw myself in a lot of your posts. I think sometimes, that we all hurt in our own way, and we all try to take care of things in our own way, what if familiar to us. Mine was self-medicating.

I don't know, just throwing that idea out there.

biminiblue

Humans are a violent species. No way around that, and power and control are ingrained into a lot of our relationships, Amy. This is why I've been single most of my adult life. I went from my abusive mother to several abusive relationships. They felt comfortable. Problem was that those men tended to act out in much more aggressive ways than my mother did.

I don't see ever being in a romantic relationship again. This bothers other people much more than it bothers me. I've lived alone for 25 years. I actually like it for the most part - it has its moments, but it's far and away better than living in an abusive relationship.

I know that isn't what you were asking, but just a different perspective. I still get triggered: heck today I'm triggered about a woman who suggested she could be my sponsor in AA. aack. Too close, too controlling, TOO SOON, and she had several statements that were huge red flags to me. Sounded like mom.

amy55

biminiblue, you don't know how much I appreciate your opinion. I do.

Shining~Again

I hung out here for a couple years to try to desensitize myself. The codenpendent vibe, the focus on another person, is a major trigger to me. So I kept viewing and reading...getting angry and scared and offended. I'd come here, read, cry, be full of rage of "how dare you call THAT "abuse!" I'll tell you about abuse!"
yeah...I used to be really full of indignation and such.
I was very hurt and wounded.

Then I started to see that the people here, just like my GF, weren't proud of their crazy behaviours. That they were trying their best to help. I had not one bit of trust in anyone when I came here after she died.

Now, near 4 years later, I do trust people. This is after being hit, having my life threatened, guns being bought (and returned). etc etc. *skip to the end* and her ultimately dying after I ran away for the last time. I prolly would of come back as she would endlessly hassle and guilt me till it was easier to come back than to deal with the incessant phone and emails. How very wrong it all was....in retrospect..

I stay cause I've always stayed here / some years I don't talk. Some years I do. I've changed user names. Made friends and some stick and some don't.

I guess that I find that SR offers more places than just F&F- there's Substance Abuse and in between that Pain Management. I love the Arcade, I like reading the daily updates from peeps I've seen here for more than 10 years, I enjoy the music and recipes....the gratitude lists and the Monthly Clubs.

Yes, there are other places on the web I like too...but here at SR I've always been drawn to the "here's my crap....any experience? Hope? Thoughts? This is real" that I've only seen in the other place that I hold dear which is womenforsobriety.

psssssss - wrote without viewing posts beyond your first couple, Amy. No, I don't spend time nowdays on any DV topics. I used to but now do not see any point in upsetting myself. I've responded many times to abuse type posts and now? Someone else can. I don't like revisiting what was done ....my beloved is gone, she was also quite horrified of things she did to me and I really want to remember she was the most wonderful person deep inside. She was codendency on the extreme right side - the side where it was stalkerish and scary and painful.
My only lasting triggers? I've extremely sensitive to any one who I think is focusing on me. Beyond that I'm pretty much back to "normal", whatever that is.

Cheers xx

amy55

Thank you Lethe so much for your share. It actually helped me a lot. I think I only got pieces of your wisdom tonight. I think there is a lot more that I missed. Sometimes I can't take all things in at once. Little slow that way. All of your words spoke to me. I can also feel your pain. Thanks for sharing.

Shining~Again

thanks Amy for responding - I had a hard time articulating on this.
Yeah....pain. She was the love of my life and I'd give anything to have her back, maybe not near me, but at least alive. I know she was sick and I've learned that people won't actually "turn" - like become a raging bull after I say something like "I really liked that show or book". They never did before her and they haven't since after her. I was in complete denial of her illness (bipolar/mega kidhood issues).

F&F has given me perspective, especially when the poster sticks around for a while, that really helps to me to understand their struggles and reasoning for reacting the way they do. I've found my knee jerk reactions are nothing like how I feel after following the OP's posts for a bit.

The ptsd stuff that made me flinch and cringe and curl into a ball 4 years ago was just me protecting myself. I've found I don't need to do that. People are allowed to be angry. That doesn't mean they will be violent or aggressive or abusive.

I have never been comfortable posting in here. I still have and always will have a niggling fear of women. Of them being upset. Of them saying "I like you" and then turning around to rip me apart. Doubt that will go completely away but as I said in other post....I am more understanding of "hey, that's what you feel and I am safe and this is not about me ...and you can't hurt me unless I allow it."

eh...I'll also never be really ok with writing deep emotions.

'night

amy55

Hey Lethe, did I tell you tonight, I just love you.

Reading the things that you wrote, the back and forth stuff, it reminded me a lot of my r/s. My ex wasn't diagnosed. I was wondering if your was? See bi-polar and borderline personality disorder somewhat mimic each other, I think except for the manic phase.

I know that I have built a wall around myself, and I think that you did also. That's not normal. How about we both try to take that wall down together, brick by brick. What I mean is slowly. I don't trust, I know you don't either, but I do think that we might be doing damage to ourselves sometimes.

NYCDoglvr

Amy, congrats on your self-awareness. I kept telling my bad thoughts just to shut up and eventually they did. I chose to see them as a little kid that needed a lot of discipline and it helped a lot.

amy55

I think my self-awareness is the only thing that is getting me thru the things I am going thru right now. I know that I am flipping out.