Interesting night last night
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Interesting night last night
So yesterday I had an event to go to which I was planning on going with or without him. He knew he needed to be there but if he wasn't that was up to him.
He does something's out of the ordinary that I have been begging him for years to do that he either he wouldn't in the past or drags his feet ..
1) He never would go anywhere with me - Guess what he asked what time it was?
2) He has this duck dynasty beard going on --Guess what he shaved and got a hair cut?
3) I use to hate taking separate vehicles - Guess what he sends me a message can he come over and change at the house and take 1 vehicle so we go together?
4) He always is in a wrinkled t-shirt and wrinkled jeans- Guess what He brings suit and tie?
5) He is never on time for anything- Guess what he is an hour and half early?
6) He never socializes- Guess who is a Social butterfly ?
Has anyone's mate every acted like they were cleaning up their act? I still don't buy it but it was nice for him to act normal for a whole hour.
I became sweety and even got a I love you WOW maybe it was the eclipse last night lol
He does something's out of the ordinary that I have been begging him for years to do that he either he wouldn't in the past or drags his feet ..
1) He never would go anywhere with me - Guess what he asked what time it was?
2) He has this duck dynasty beard going on --Guess what he shaved and got a hair cut?
3) I use to hate taking separate vehicles - Guess what he sends me a message can he come over and change at the house and take 1 vehicle so we go together?
4) He always is in a wrinkled t-shirt and wrinkled jeans- Guess what He brings suit and tie?
5) He is never on time for anything- Guess what he is an hour and half early?
6) He never socializes- Guess who is a Social butterfly ?
Has anyone's mate every acted like they were cleaning up their act? I still don't buy it but it was nice for him to act normal for a whole hour.
I became sweety and even got a I love you WOW maybe it was the eclipse last night lol
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My XAH usto do that, but it only lasted long enough for me to get back into our same comfortable day to day routine then bam, back to his normal ol drinking self.
That is not to say someone cannot change. It is just actions over the long haul, not one night. However it is nice that you had a nice evening and got to enjoy yourself.
Interestingly enough, my kids are even more suspicious of my XAH b/c he keeps doing all of this stuff with them and attending things he normally would not. While I don't expect it to last, I hope that he keeps it up for them.
That is not to say someone cannot change. It is just actions over the long haul, not one night. However it is nice that you had a nice evening and got to enjoy yourself.
Interestingly enough, my kids are even more suspicious of my XAH b/c he keeps doing all of this stuff with them and attending things he normally would not. While I don't expect it to last, I hope that he keeps it up for them.
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in my experience with XAH, the scenario you described could have been right out of our story.
and I fell for it many, many, many times. because I so wanted to believe. because I had been working a program myself that exposed me to RA's and those people were so totally awesome. most of them had been sober and in recovery for decades.
that was what I wanted....one of those.
looking back at my experience, I can now see that there is no fast track to sobriety and recovery that enables a person to be ok enough to handle the complexities of a marriage/relationship, the damages that have been done, or the humility and wisdom that it takes to restore, repair, and to stay happily sober.
and I fell for it many, many, many times. because I so wanted to believe. because I had been working a program myself that exposed me to RA's and those people were so totally awesome. most of them had been sober and in recovery for decades.
that was what I wanted....one of those.
looking back at my experience, I can now see that there is no fast track to sobriety and recovery that enables a person to be ok enough to handle the complexities of a marriage/relationship, the damages that have been done, or the humility and wisdom that it takes to restore, repair, and to stay happily sober.
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Thanks hopeful4- When I came home I got out my journal and read all the things that hurt me and how I was feeling at the time to remind myself.
It really made me realize how he is capable of remember what he wants to remember. I had no faith he was even going to go and didn't remind him of the event.
People who hadn't met him before were telling me how nice he was and blah blah I was like yea great ball of fun he is. rolling my eyes.
It really made me realize how he is capable of remember what he wants to remember. I had no faith he was even going to go and didn't remind him of the event.
People who hadn't met him before were telling me how nice he was and blah blah I was like yea great ball of fun he is. rolling my eyes.
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Thank you embrace2000- Your right there is no fast track to sobriety and I feel at this point I am not wanting to wait for him to change.
I don't want to live any longer with someone who might relapse if he even chooses to get sober.
I have my moments where I miss being a wife but I am so much happier and healthier with him gone. Its so weird to say now where as months ago I would died being attached.
I don't want to live any longer with someone who might relapse if he even chooses to get sober.
I have my moments where I miss being a wife but I am so much happier and healthier with him gone. Its so weird to say now where as months ago I would died being attached.
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Ugh, been there, done that. Will your case be the one in a million who recovers and gets sober and becomes number one hubby? Will he get drunk and act up tomorrow? God only knows. Sorry to sound bitter but we've all been on this roller coaster at one point. It is good to see you enjoy your life with or without him. : )
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involved and missboot- Thank you for your reply this means a lot to me.
"more will be revealed!" and "Will your case be the one in a million who recovers " is definitely an eye opener especially ,now I can think clearly and the fog has been lifted and I can see how he comes from a long family line of alcoholism on both sides. He never had a chance to begin with.
I think I understand now what it means to let people be who they are. He would tell me I am trying to change him. Arggggg had I known now what I know.
"more will be revealed!" and "Will your case be the one in a million who recovers " is definitely an eye opener especially ,now I can think clearly and the fog has been lifted and I can see how he comes from a long family line of alcoholism on both sides. He never had a chance to begin with.
I think I understand now what it means to let people be who they are. He would tell me I am trying to change him. Arggggg had I known now what I know.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
I would never expect it again but for last night - that was a nice gift!
I can't get him to stop popping up at the house. He tells me he can't leave me alone. Well geesh you sure did a great job when you were here.
I wish I could just move so he can't find me.
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Ugh. I know exactly what you're talking about. Himself is over five months sober now, and acting like nothing has ever happened. When we go out and about, he's his funny, charming, loving old self, but the only genuine response I can come up with is "Awww, go blow it out your a$$."
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Originally Posted by POAndrea
Ugh. I know exactly what you're talking about. Himself is over five months sober now, and acting like nothing has ever happened. When we go out and about, he's his funny, charming, loving old self, but the only genuine response I can come up with is "Awww, go blow it out your a$$."
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
It happens. It is our honeymoon phase. Only it gets shorter and shorter every time. Do not fall for it anymore.
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My experience is when the recovery was finally real (after I moved on with my life....he's my XRAH) I didn't have to question it or wonder (it was just obvious - I didn't need to try to convince myself or anyone I just knew it). I had claimed to myself before this time (in previous "recovery attempts") that I "knew" or "thought so" but deep down I was in denial and I see that so clearly now. That's why it's hard to post here sometimes now because I see it happening to others....the trying to convince themselves or others it's real when deep down they know it's not and being "ok" because he's "ok"...and I say nothing because I now know it's a lesson one has to learn for themselves, I can't convince anyone into learning it (I'm not saying you're doing that at all btw, just rambling about stuff coming to mind 
).
When it was finally real he didn't have to communicate anything to me or try to show me anything. He disappeared off to rehab on his own without telling me at all - why? Because when he hit bottom it wasn't about proving he could act nice or normal or "that he could be sober a while thus proving he wasn't an alcoholic" (he has admitted to me that's what he used to do when he did things like you describe above)....so the recovery attempt has nothing to do with me at all, and that's how I know it's a real attempt. It was also easier to see since I had moved out and on with my life and wasn't in denial anymore. I see the relationship for what it really was and what it is now....and I see I want to move forward not backward (I'm digressing but hopefully I didn't lose the point what was when it's real you'll know and it won't change your path if you're recovery is strong either).
All that said he could relapse tomorrow...for me that's enough to keep moving forward - I wish him well but my life no longer depends on his.
). When it was finally real he didn't have to communicate anything to me or try to show me anything. He disappeared off to rehab on his own without telling me at all - why? Because when he hit bottom it wasn't about proving he could act nice or normal or "that he could be sober a while thus proving he wasn't an alcoholic" (he has admitted to me that's what he used to do when he did things like you describe above)....so the recovery attempt has nothing to do with me at all, and that's how I know it's a real attempt. It was also easier to see since I had moved out and on with my life and wasn't in denial anymore. I see the relationship for what it really was and what it is now....and I see I want to move forward not backward (I'm digressing but hopefully I didn't lose the point what was when it's real you'll know and it won't change your path if you're recovery is strong either).
All that said he could relapse tomorrow...for me that's enough to keep moving forward - I wish him well but my life no longer depends on his.
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Aeryn- your words as well as others so well written hit me with such clarity. I feel lifted in mind and spirit.
Your right he didn't need to say it he just needed to prove it. Wow what a concept for me to understand. I must of been wanting to hear it but words mean nothing. He can lie to my face and not flinch.
Now I see I was leaving the door to my mind and heart open with a prop against the door. I too must take responsibility to keep moving forward. My life can not depend on him. I'm rambing now too. I feel so free . . . I think this is called acceptance.
Your right he didn't need to say it he just needed to prove it. Wow what a concept for me to understand. I must of been wanting to hear it but words mean nothing. He can lie to my face and not flinch.
Now I see I was leaving the door to my mind and heart open with a prop against the door. I too must take responsibility to keep moving forward. My life can not depend on him. I'm rambing now too. I feel so free . . . I think this is called acceptance.
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so - he managed to remember the correct time for an event. AND he bathed. and put on clean respectable clothes. and wiped his own bottom. try not to make too much of all that??? being able to tell time and apply soap and dress oneself are things we expect 5 year olds to do.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so - he managed to remember the correct time for an event. AND he bathed. and put on clean respectable clothes. and wiped his own bottom. try not to make too much of all that??? being able to tell time and apply soap and dress oneself are things we expect 5 year olds to do.
I miss the responsible person he use to be.
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