jacrazz

again... Im so grateful that I continue to learn about me as the days go by. I posted over in the ACoA forum about how a simple question from my XABF like "Why do you lie?" would send on a quest to see if perhaps maybe, just maybe he was on to something. Never did I think that I was a "liar" per say more like, "I'll tell you what I THINK you want to hear". I will reiterate what I said in the other forum that at this point, I wont start splitting hairs, " A LIE IS A LIE IS A LIE" and I own my part in the dysfunction and demise of that relationship, and others in my past. Anyway, I took out my Courage to Change book, opened it up and right there on page 178..

"In time, I came to believe that my Alcoholic loved one might be the messenger that my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. Its not fair to shackle him with credit or blame for the amout of time it took me to pay attention to that message. I choose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptible (from other and mostly myself) behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could, and so did he"

Now why did that question trigger me, Because, im not the alkie, Ive got my self together. Im the one with the career, attending a Nursing program, own a home. IM PERFECT! WOW, what an epiphany! Here I am, blaming HIM and I just as messed up. I really had NO CLUE, I'll say it again, NO CLUE until a few days ago when I was reading some literature on ACoA, It hit me like a ton of bricks, that being raised in a home with an A would have such a pround impact on my adult life and how I deal.....Feeling humbled and grateful........GOD IS GOOD!! Thanks for reading!

honeypig

Wow, jacrazz, I'm going to go right out to the kitchen table, get my Courage to Change book and put a marker on page 178!

That is a real zinger, and I thank you for sharing it and your revelations.

Raider

Good for you! Thanks for posting.

FireSprite

Ok, wow. I really needed to hear that this week. I have definitely had my moments of gratitude because RAH's issues brought me to recovery as an ACoA in a way I might have never found otherwise. My friend says that we come into this lifetime knowing what we will be facing & that we "sign up" to a certain extent for the relationships, the struggles, the joys, etc. I'm not 100% on that (feels too much like fate stepping on free will when you say it that way) but I could get on board with it being a blend -- somewhat pre-determined yet affected by free will.

I remember the feeling the same way when I realized how much more I was affected by my CoA upbringing than I had ever realized. It was a strange breakthrough - awesome to find awareness & odd to feel like maybe I just didn't know myself at all!

LoveMeNow

Great job jacrazz.

I love those lightbulb moments. I haven't had any in a while which makes me wonder if I am really working on me still.

I remember saying "oh, I hate liars!" And then realized I was the biggest liar. I was lying to myself and didn't even know it...or did I ??

jacrazz

Yes! I would always get so furious at him for so many things and they main gripe was that I always felt like he didn't know me at all...Turns out I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ME!

He is currently in rehab and i wrote him a letter, sent him a bunch of literature on ACoA, and other recovery articles that I thought would be good reading. He called to thank me and wanted to apologize for always saying to me "you will NEVER know what its like to be an addict, stop saying that you get it, you don't get it!" I told him that no, I don't directly get it but Alcoholism has affected me in such a way that I might as well opened up and poured it down my throat. And let me tell you, I now have a BETTER understanding of recovery, Its not as simple as saying, NO MORE....Geez, what an eyeopener!!

izzyrose05

Maybe I'm missing something here. I am co dependent as well. Have been in all of my relationships with men. That needs fixing yes, but our codependency has little to do with the fact that the person that was suppose to love you had a disease that caused him to abuse you, mistreat you, neglect you..whatever. You can't truly hurt another person that lives a lie and in denial and whose brain chemistry is so fermented, a clear rational thought is far and few between.

I'm sorry but our codenpendency issues may have made us a bit of a doormat, but there is no justification for the abuse we endured to "see the light". Struggles do help us recognize where we need work, but NOT that. No one deserves what we endured. Regardless of our dysfunctions.

His questioning you and wanting to know why you "lie" is more manipulation so that he can feel less guilty about who he is or was.

And that's all. It wasn't a message. It was his disease reaching for more justification. That is all

I'm sorry if this came out rude. I respect your journey and think it is wonderful you are working toward a better you.

jacrazz

Not rude, just sounds like you are still harboring resentments, and that is your journey....No Worries!

I'll start by saying that I don't believe that alcoholism is a disease and secondly, I don't use the label "co-dependancy" on myself. I did my own share of manipulation in my relationship with him and I will own that 100%. I didn't deserve being neglected as a child but WILL NOT carry that around anymore. I forgive my dad and I forgive my XA for his behavior as well. His feelings about whatever are his, not mine. I've been living a lie for years, have felt more pain, and in so much denial than you can imagine.....so I must be the one missing something if think that people LIKE ME can't be hurt? If i read correctly on your last post, you are excusing your XBF of assassinating your character because he is "HURTING" so which is it can we feel or can't we?

What ever his reasons are, I took it as a message, a well received one because it was to me, something worth looking into....And to see it word for word in my Courage to Change book was all I needed to know that yes IT WAS A MESSAGE. I that hope that him asking MAY help him perhaps take a good look at himself.....Here is to hoping!!

jacrazz

Yup! Me a liar? HOW DARE YOU! Lol....Glad I looked into it! You didn't know, trust me. Sometimes looking in the mirror isn't easy! Have a good day

LoveMeNow

Another light bulb moment for me was I discovered I wasn't as "nice" as I thought I was. Many times, helping others was simply my inability to say no and it gave me a kind of "high." Having a "savior"complex was a great distraction from my issues as well as giving me a sense of self worth.

jacrazz

Amen.....I used to get heated when I was called a _itch on wheels....Seriously, Im keeping us a float here but I'm the evil one? Yes i was quite evil...