Yurt

Had an interesting conversation with my AH this evening...He commented that he had checked the bank accounts and saw that we (HA) had spent about $300 on beer and wine this month, and then he joked that I needed to cut down. Next came the play by play of each beer and glass of wine that he had consumed this evening, so it was no surprise when he told me that he had found my stash of Al Anon books. He asked if I thought he was some sort of raving drunk, and wanted to know what made me decide to obtain them. I told him that I had been to some Al Anon meetings and he rolled his eyes. Wanted to know what I learned, so I told him that I realized that I have no control over what he does, and that it is his issue. I have my own issues to deal with and that is why I went to meetings and have the books. A bit of a sneer after that, so I haven’t told him about the counselor appointments yet. I do plan on telling him before my next appointment, however.

We'll see how long this "cutting back" lasts; we've gone through it before. I was happy that he took the news about the Al Anon well enough, but I certainly wasn't feeling like it would change things that much. He absolutely didn't admit to having a problem. Maybe I have detached more than I should have, but I just don't feel very lovey dovey toward him...at all.

Fathom

Hugs, Yurt. It's okay not to feel lovey dovey toward someone who sneers at the idea of you get help for yourself or who (even jokingly) tries to get you to shoulder the blame for his behavior. I think you are really doing well.

Peace,
Fathom

choublak

What you learn in Al-Anon isn't really his business.

Hammer

Huah!

I like you.

choublak

LOL I'm just saying, OP shouldn't feel the need to explain to him what goes on in Al-Anon, especially since he'll most likely twist that information around anyway.

CodeJob

Yurt, I've been going during work hours, so my RAH saw my Al Anon book and a few journals floating from car-kitchen-couch but neither of us addressed it. I definitely did not hide it and I have asked him some Step 4 questions too.

This week I got pulled into speaking on Easter Sunday. I don't have family around, so I was pretty available and took it as a sign. But that meant I had to work out Easter church and the big meal so I could slip off that evening. My RAH was not too enthused or encouraging. I was not surprised at his response and that is just another sign that I am hiking up the mountain and even though I might need some base camps for acclimation, I am going to the summit. Seekers don't stop. He might be ahead of me or behind me or on an entirely different summit.

Keep working your weekly plan.

lillamy

I think the way you described it to him was perfect. I've heard As say "so you get together with a bunch of other cronies and complain about me? Is that what you do?" -- so clarifying from the get-go that Al-Anon is not about him, it's about you, may make it OK for him that you go. (Not that it should matter, but you know what I mean. He may not bug you if he knows you don't go there to b**ch about him.)

embraced2000

my eah used to try every way he could think of to keep me from going to al-anon meetings. he was in aa off and on, and one time even suggested that we just stay at home and have our own personal recovery meeting. it was all just a bunch of quacking to keep his addiction alive and well. once I realized that fact, I marched on without his influences. it wasn't easy. it wasn't pleasant. it wasn't fun. but it was so worth it. u will be in my thoughts. stay strong and keep coming here on the forum. the experiences from this forum saved my life.

OnlyOneProblem

Yurt, you've made a big step in letting him know that you are going to Al-Anon!

I remember telling my RAH that I was going to meetings to learn how to live with his drinking. I truly believe that was the beginning of both, my recovery and his.

Along with meetings, daily reading here on SR and educating myself about alcoholism my thinking has changed how I look at things.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

I work hard at it. Don't always get it right. I had some real life issues to deal with this week and missed my Tuesday meeting. I admitted to myself last night that I need a meeting. I'm telling myself that is some progress! I am planning on going tomorrow. Keep going! This is for you and me and everyone else in the room. So grateful for those meetings!