AnvilheadII

the difficulty with someone who already exhibits sneaky behavior, ie lies, subterfuge, deceit, is that it would then be virtually impossible to get them to or even EXPECT them to tell the truth. cuz it's not their MO.

what really blows is that things are often worse than the loving spouse will even consider. they've learned to lower the bar so far in order to find some way, any way, to accept the unacceptable.

you can't get HIM to change. he's going to do whatever the hell he feels like doing.

you are doing a good job of at least giving words to the things that trouble YOU. you will need to review your own values and ethics and clarify what you can live with and where you draw the line. THEN comes the tough part....living up to YOUR OWN standards. is having a sneaky lying possibly cheating husband gonna work out for you? is that going to be good enough, if this is as good as it gets? can you make peace with it all? some can. or some THINK they can!

a boatload of kids doesn't make for sudden rash decisions! their welfare and yours must be paramount.

GracieLou

I don't have an advice but I wanted to thank you for this comment.

Designgrl

Been there done that. Things were much worse then I could have ever imagined and every time my little voice said, "that ain't right" I smothered it. Refused to listen to what my gut was telling me. Eventually I ran across the truth with my own eyes and then I was just done. If he wants to self destruct, he can do it on his own, I refuse to continue to go down with him. In the 2 1/2 (drama filled by him)years I was married we went to 3 different marriage counselors, where he did nothing but sit and be angry, lie and blame.

He can have his mistress, his drama, his alcohol. I'd rather be financially poor for a bit while I rebuild my career than stay with a sick person like him. Trust me if you even think for a second something isn't right, you are probably right about it. So now the decision is what are you going to do for yourself and your kids cause he's obviously only thinking about himself.

maggies

It does not take much money for a alcoholic to get drunk. My husband would buy the cheap 30 packs of beer. But if his funds were short, he would buy 40ounce bottles of strong malt type liquor for less than 2 bucks.

FireSprite

I did this for a long time. And when actively drinking my AH was so subtle with his manipulations that I never really "knew" anything... so I almost couldn't help but come off looking paranoid & bit$hy no matter how I approached it all. By the time I actually went looking (i.e. snooping) for the proof, I was so full-blown Codie that I lost myself completely. It had gone from a marriage to a war with strategy ranking higher than love.

Wahine

This so sounds like my STBXAH. In my case I think it's all about controlling. He seems to think he can controll me and the relationship. He would leave the house all the time without telling anyone. Give the excuse he had an errand. Then blow up we had dinner without him. This past year I found secret accounts. I had to make threats to see the tax return. He doesn't want me knowing how much money he makes. I have four kids and I'm leaving. I can't take the angry, passive aggressive behavior. Oh, today I was told I looked sarcastic.?? WiTh?

Designgrl

How dare you have a look!

Yup got that crap too. I would get raged at all the time because of the way I looked at him...he would say things like...."you look at me like I'm crazy or something", "you look at me with your eyes all big and wide like that", "you are always over exaggerating your expressions", quack quack quack!

All I have to say is I left the end of January, finding out about his affair in December was the BEST thing that ever happened in my marriage! It was the universe giving me my final shove! Thank you universe for giving me my freedom.

I have been living everyday in peace and honesty since I left. I am no longer living in fear from a situation I had no control over. My self esteem is returning...the fog is lifting...the sun is beginning to shine.

embraced2000

in my marriage with xah, I already knew all I needed to know about the red flags being waved. I was desperately seeking answers that I wanted, avoiding at all costs the real truth. searching deeper, worrying, trying to trick him up, obsessing, all just made me very, very sick.

NYCDoglvr

It doesn't sound like you trust or respect him, so what basis is there for a relationship? He may be a recovering alcoholic but that doesn't mean you must stay with him.