Someone please tell me this is "normal" - or not...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Someone please tell me this is "normal" - or not...
I turn 40 in a week. This is a source of great excitement for me since at the time of my cancer diagnosis it was kind of iffy that I'd make it to 35...I'm happy to say I've been cancer free for 7-1/2 years and that fear of dying is no longer constantly in the back of my head. YAY! Now, for the issue:
I have been a "homebody" for so long thanks to 7 years of isolation (yes, becuase of a controlling relationship). Even when I was dating my XABF, who was VERY social and went out every weekend, I had anxiety about social situations and didn't go most of the time. I suppose I still feel some anxiety about going out, even though every time I do I've had a great time...but most of the time I think I'd just prefer to be alone with my own company.
I used to be a social butterfly and the thought of not having anything to do on a weekend was more anxiety producing to me than the thought of going out produces now. I still have leftover thoughts from time to time on a Friday or Saturday night such as, "Wow...it's Friday and I'm sitting here watching Netflix..."
I've been in my own little apartment for a month now since leaving my XABF, and I love it. Every single day when going from one room to another I am filled with happiness. I painted the living room last weekend and am over-the-moon happy about it. I don't like leaving my apartment much, because I'm just so HAPPY here. It's not fear of what's "out there", but I'm truly happy and comfortable.
So my friends from work have been asking me what I'd like to do for my birthday. I have no idea what to tell them! We've agreed to lunch at my favorite restaurant...but for those that want to do something in the evening I'm drawing a complete blank. I'm just so content being a homebody...
Is this in any way "normal"? I don't drink at all due to health issues (it makes me really sick...even one drink). Is it "normal" to just want to be alone?
I have been a "homebody" for so long thanks to 7 years of isolation (yes, becuase of a controlling relationship). Even when I was dating my XABF, who was VERY social and went out every weekend, I had anxiety about social situations and didn't go most of the time. I suppose I still feel some anxiety about going out, even though every time I do I've had a great time...but most of the time I think I'd just prefer to be alone with my own company.
I used to be a social butterfly and the thought of not having anything to do on a weekend was more anxiety producing to me than the thought of going out produces now. I still have leftover thoughts from time to time on a Friday or Saturday night such as, "Wow...it's Friday and I'm sitting here watching Netflix..."
I've been in my own little apartment for a month now since leaving my XABF, and I love it. Every single day when going from one room to another I am filled with happiness. I painted the living room last weekend and am over-the-moon happy about it. I don't like leaving my apartment much, because I'm just so HAPPY here. It's not fear of what's "out there", but I'm truly happy and comfortable.
So my friends from work have been asking me what I'd like to do for my birthday. I have no idea what to tell them! We've agreed to lunch at my favorite restaurant...but for those that want to do something in the evening I'm drawing a complete blank. I'm just so content being a homebody...
Is this in any way "normal"? I don't drink at all due to health issues (it makes me really sick...even one drink). Is it "normal" to just want to be alone?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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I concur with Seren that is your bday. You can celebrate it wild and crazy and the next day hole up in your new haven and just admire the paint on the walls! It is your choice. It is definitely a special milestone as a cancer survivor!
Forty congrats and hugs for your wonderful cancer recovery!
Forty congrats and hugs for your wonderful cancer recovery!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think it's completely normal. Or one kind of normal, at least. 
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be at home with yourself. Matter of fact, I think it can be a sign of health that you are happy in your own company.
Also -- remember that you've lived under siege for years. So you're in a place where you have the opportunity to rediscover yourself, who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy today.
Doesn't mean you will always be a person who prefers to be home alone to being out with friends. It just means right now that's what you need.
And I think it's also telling that you're asking if it's OK. I found that living with an A, my life was so controlled by living with an A that I kind of forgot what it was like to live like I wanted. At first, after I left, I was at a loss to what I wanted to do. My friends would ask where I wanted to go for lunch and I'd be like "oh, whatever you want to do" and they'd grab my shoulders and say "No. YOU decide. You tell me what YOU want!"
I actually had to work at making minor decisions like that. The fact that you know that you'd rather be home than go out to a bar or club or restaurant -- that's a great thing. You know what you want, and now there's nobody there to tell you that you can't have what you want! You go for it.
PS: Welcome to the right side of forty. We've got cookies. And, in addition, we're too old to care what people think. It's a great place to be!
Oh, and also -- I am so happy for your 7 1/2 years of no cancer! Yay!!!
First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be at home with yourself. Matter of fact, I think it can be a sign of health that you are happy in your own company.
Also -- remember that you've lived under siege for years. So you're in a place where you have the opportunity to rediscover yourself, who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy today.
Doesn't mean you will always be a person who prefers to be home alone to being out with friends. It just means right now that's what you need.
And I think it's also telling that you're asking if it's OK. I found that living with an A, my life was so controlled by living with an A that I kind of forgot what it was like to live like I wanted. At first, after I left, I was at a loss to what I wanted to do. My friends would ask where I wanted to go for lunch and I'd be like "oh, whatever you want to do" and they'd grab my shoulders and say "No. YOU decide. You tell me what YOU want!"
I actually had to work at making minor decisions like that. The fact that you know that you'd rather be home than go out to a bar or club or restaurant -- that's a great thing. You know what you want, and now there's nobody there to tell you that you can't have what you want! You go for it.
PS: Welcome to the right side of forty. We've got cookies. And, in addition, we're too old to care what people think. It's a great place to be!
Oh, and also -- I am so happy for your 7 1/2 years of no cancer! Yay!!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
OK, and 'normal' but I think you'd enjoy a something in the evening. I'm an introvert and usually get 'forced' to go out by friends. I always enjoy myself.
When I turned 50 I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. How about that?
When I turned 50 I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. How about that?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Totally normal - I just went through this in fact. I turned 40 in December & this year I just wanted to lay low & just wasn't mentally into socializing.
My close friends & sister had been trying to secretly plan a long weekend getaway to New Orleans for all of us girls & while it sounded fun & I would have enjoyed it once upon a time, my first thought when I found out was "Oh, crap. How do I get out of this??" I was flattered that they would go to the effort & expense but so, so secretly happy when it just failed to come together.
Enjoy your special day however YOU want to!
My close friends & sister had been trying to secretly plan a long weekend getaway to New Orleans for all of us girls & while it sounded fun & I would have enjoyed it once upon a time, my first thought when I found out was "Oh, crap. How do I get out of this??" I was flattered that they would go to the effort & expense but so, so secretly happy when it just failed to come together.
Enjoy your special day however YOU want to!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Totally normal! Since my XAH left, when kids are w/him everyone keeps asking me to do things. I really just want to stay home and enjoy the peace and serenity of being there with no pressures, just enjoying....my home.
Hope your birthday is wonderful however you decide to spend it!
Hope your birthday is wonderful however you decide to spend it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Thanks to my wonderful friends (most of them know my situation and have been my "support" through everything) my plans are as follows:
Dinner the night before with a couple of the gals I used to teach Zumba with.
Lunch the day of with a rather large group of friends at work at my favorite restaurant.
Dinner that evening with my best friend at a new Thai restaurant in town.
Dinner the next evening with my adoring auntie.
Symphony on Saturday (Beethoven's Ninth) which I'm very excited for!
To me this all seems like an awful LOT, but it still leaves me with time for myself, as well as little bits of time socializing. I hope I make it! LOL
I agree that it's telling that I'd ask if it was normal...I still have a hard time making decisions here and there. I love the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to. I used to be so social...and perhaps it's just because I'm older now, but going out just doesn't have the same appeal as it once did.
Dinner the night before with a couple of the gals I used to teach Zumba with.
Lunch the day of with a rather large group of friends at work at my favorite restaurant.
Dinner that evening with my best friend at a new Thai restaurant in town.
Dinner the next evening with my adoring auntie.
Symphony on Saturday (Beethoven's Ninth) which I'm very excited for!
To me this all seems like an awful LOT, but it still leaves me with time for myself, as well as little bits of time socializing. I hope I make it! LOL
I agree that it's telling that I'd ask if it was normal...I still have a hard time making decisions here and there. I love the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want to. I used to be so social...and perhaps it's just because I'm older now, but going out just doesn't have the same appeal as it once did.
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