Chelsea1029

So I'm at 7 weeks with him out. Everyday gets better. I saw a lawyer this week which was stressful but I'm glad I did. I want to start the process to be legally separated but need to get him to agree.
Depends on the day and the mood I guess. Last couple of times I saw him he was pleasant and appropriate. Today...completely different. He's very angry I've told my family we separated, angry I won't let him back home. I said nothing has changed just going to AA isn't the only fix. He's not doing the program - no sponsor, no steps. His doctor will stop prescribing meds because he's refusing outpatient treatment. He said people wait a year to get a sponsor until they get to know people and who they are comfortable with?? And maybe he only needed meds because if the environment he was in...then tried to say he meant work not me. I eventually hung up. I can't listen to the garbage. Unfortunately my daughters party tomorrow will have to see him.
How do I deal with these mood changes - dr. Jekyll/mr.hyde?

Recovering2

Detach. Let him quack away, keep yourself busy at the party with the kids and their activities. The party is not the time to discuss your relationship, it's about your daughter at that moment. You may need to remind him of that then walk away. Stay calm, don't engage in conversation. You'll get through it.

BTW - why do you need him to agree to a legal separation?

Chelsea1029

Thank you...it's so hard not to get sucked into his pity party. Like saying he won't stay with his mother much longer, the kids and I want nothing to so with him, etc...I Just keep saying we are where we are because of his choices.
The attorney said if he won't agree to and sign the separation agreement then I have to file for divorce. We can try to negotiate the terms but if he just refuses I have to do the next step.

Pelican

While I was separated from my AXH, I would only speak with him about household finances ad health of our child. I kept the conversations business like.

I did that to protect myself. I needed the time and space away from his lies, denial, and manipulation to decide what was best for me and my children. If he started with personal talk, I got off the phone.

Our separation was not legally drawn up by an attorney. Ours was a verbal agreement. I saw an attorney to find out what my rights were.

During the brief separation, I realized how much I liked not sitting in the front row of his craziness. I gave up my front row seat at the crazy show and filed for divorce. My AXH was given the choice of being served or going to my attorney's office to pick up the papers. He chose picking up the paperwork himself.

dancingnow

Not sure what your situation totally is but if you are separated without an agreement the only problem would be if you are not getting some child support that you need. From what I understand that part can be handled separately through a legal step by your attorney.

If you made decision to divorce ok but no reason you have to take care of everything right away. Go at your own pace. Heal yourself, find peace serenity. If your AH is out of house enjoy the time you have with your kids.

Chelsea1029

Yes I'm not going to rush it. The attorney did say the only reason I'd would need to was if he tried to get back in the house. The only other issue is once we are legally separated I can't be responsible for any future debt of his. I'm not very worried about that. I did separate our car insurance yesterday, he was angry but I was glad I got it done.

I do much better with minimal contact. I don't understand how he gets me to feel bad for him. He justs insists he should be here because he's not drinking. I know that's not true and it's so clear without contact. It gets cloudy when he's talking and putting pressure on me and making me feel bad that he's not with the kids and can only stay with his mother. No one wants to see him, etc...
I keep reminding myself and him that these were his choices. It of course makes me sadder too that we are in this situation.
He is giving me money so that isn't an issue right now. When the separation does get drawn up he has to agree to no spousal support. I hate to even bring that up.

I know once today is over I will feel better and be back to work and busy tomorrow will help.

If he really wanted his family back and wasn't drinking wouldn't he be doing everything he could to prove that to me? Like it wouldn't be an issue if I stopped and did the brethalyzer?

9111111

Hey Chelsea, sorry for what you're going through, but glad you're keeping your kids safe from the chaos that comes with alcoholism.

Unfortunately it sounds like your husband hasn't reached his bottom yet.When my exafriend's life went out of control I was terrified by the financial damage that was done before and kept secret from family, and the bills that were racked up on the way down.

I learnt that in most cases unfortunately alcoholism is progressive and the current status quo is not always the end of story. Glad to read you've consulted a lawyer and are protecting yourself and your children financially.

Chelsea1029

Well it's over, wasn't easy but so glad the day is done. He wouldn't stop his pity party. How awful I told my family we are separated now he's uncomfortable. He was very worried I told them about the drinking. He kept trying to approach me about how uncomfortable he was and I walked away. I am mean and horrible because I didn't include him at a family event a couple of weeks ago...he's hurt. He tried to rush the party so he could leave. Meanwhile he was interacting, laughing, talking to people like any other time.
After everyone left he kept asking why I would tell them, why wouldn't I include him, now he'll never be comfortable, then complained about giving me money since he's not living here. He said its my fault our family isn't together because I'm unreasonable, he's stopped drinking, that should be enough. Kids don't pay attention to him when he comes.
Poor baby. He said to get a lawyer and finish it. Ok you don't have to ask me twice - I'm on it. He actually said I should have to pay him. After he has financially ruined me...sad thing is the lawyer said he probably would get spousal support if he pushed it.
It's exhausting all of it.

LoveMeNow

Let him quack!!

Stay strong, and see it for what it is......manipulation.

iamthird

It is manipulation. My separated AH has his issues but we have no legal separation agreement and he pays me regularly whether he loves me or hates me on any given day and I never have to ask for it because he knows I have a household to take care of which affects the children.

Your separated AH is just using finances to manipulate the situation. Do not let him. I know it is hard but I agree totally that it is manipulative.