boomtruck

I'll try to condense this one. After 1 1/2 years of separation I am trying to finalize divorce with AH. He abandoned us and left the state when I filed. Has sent no child support, in and out of treatment, DUI while driving semi, threats of suicide, etc. etc.

So, when I sent final papers, he called our 17-year-old daughter (who had phone on speaker) and told her he was coming back to "show the court exactly what your mother is made of", he was contesting the divorce, and that this was their secret: Not to tell me, because he didn't want to give me time to prepare for court.

He contested: still won't mention why aside to make my life miserable. I have one day of sending his personal items to him left before seeing if he will sign papers or I have to make a trial date.

Since returning, he lives with his sister. She helped him return secretively and is continuing the "secrets" with our daughter, because "your mom is trying everything possible to make your dad's life as difficult as possible."

For example, the aunt asked daughter to pick up a job application for her dad 3 miles from where I live, and not tell me. I own the car, pay the insurance, and the gas.

Dad went to sons golf match, drunk. Embarrassed son then wandered around neighborhood for 3 hours, falling down, stating he got lost. Apparently, he is all scratched and bruised from falling for 3 hours while lost in a neighborhood.

OK. So he has always groomed our daughter as the one with power. She was put into the role as responsible for younger son. Dad has never been able to talk with son, but will discuss anything with daughter. She "ran" the house when he was here. Now, I see him manipulating her into doing things that he knows I do not agree with: driving him around with no supervised adults to make sure he's sober, wanting her to skip school so he can take her to lunch, and God knows what I don't know about.

He has been making phone calls to mutual business associates locally to "just check in". He is medalling covertly for what I'm not sure. A recovering friend suggests his sister is getting tired of living with him--after 2 months--and his disease is grooming daughter to be next caretaker. Makes sense to me.

I try to talk with daughter. Of course, there is tension, but I try real hard to be neutral. However, red flags are going up all over. Any advice on how to deal with this? I have a boundary that Dad cannot come to house, and he continues to try everything to get here. He is dangerous, not working a program, and still blames me for all of his problems, because "of what I did to him." Classic.

I see daughter falling into a trap and do not know how to help her. She is resistant to educate on behaviors as she "knows about alcoholism". She is defensive when we talk and feels as I am yelling at her and telling her she is a bad person. I'm not. She is beautiful, talented, and being pulled in all directions.

I want to encourage kids to see dad as his future isn't looking bright; however at the same time I wish he would disappear so they don't have to put up with this crap any longer----although I know the repercussions will last a lifetime.

OK long enough---so much for being short and sweet. You guys are great and I know you will have good support. Thanks ahead of time.

CodeJob

God I hate to write the word but is he sexually abusing her?

boomtruck

CodeJob, I asked both kids a while back about this when I found out all that was going on behind my back, and their reluctance to make an effort to see him. They both said a firm no, and my daughter said if anything like that was going on they would say something and she definitely would not see him at all. That said, it doesn't mean that somewhere he is thinking about this---who can tell once an alcoholic has hit the last stages.

Taking5

I think you expressed this beautifully. I don't know how old your daughter is but I'd consider letting her read this post. If you want to keep your activities at SR private, I'd consider writing her a letter containing all the points you made in this post.