Mango blast

My husband isn't far past 100 days sober and today's the first day I'm wondering if he's been drinking. I trust my instincts yet I don't really need to know because it doesn't matter if he has or not.

- If he had a drink, more will follow. I have no doubt about that.
- If he hasn't been drinking, then it doesn't matter either.

More will be revealed. ONE drink doesn't change anything for me, because if there was one, there will be more. Whether he's sober or drinking, I need to keep working my program and taking care of me and our youngest son. Our other kids are grown and living on their own.

Prayers welcome. I plan to handle this coming year with strength, grace and good health no matter what happens. He went through a 28 day rehab and has not been following up with counseling or AA meetings. I have been going to Alanon off and on (weather and distance; over an hour away). I've been making good progress with myself mentally and physically.

Katchie

Off the top of my head, I don't have a thing to add. You sound very good, strong, and full of resolve..yeah you! Keep it up!

Pelican

Your recovery is showing and it looks good on you!

MissFixit

I remember his boss paid for his rehab or encouraged it, right? Something about saving his job if he went to rehab? I assume there was a work incident.

How will falling off the wagon be handled at his work if they find out? Can you afford things without his income?

Mango blast

The owner and manager gave him the option of rehab or losing his job. We live onsite in a house provided as part of the job. In December, when he didn't come home from work one evening and I couldn't find him, I called the manager and a co-worker for help. He wasn't injured or dead (as I calmly thought I might be dealing with), he'd been drinking heavily all day and passed out for hours. They'd been very concerned about his drinking for a long time and knew more than I did about a lot of it. Insurance paid for most of rehab. His boss, the owner, has been through this with multiple times with his own son and several other employees at his other businesses. He probably would have paid the rest for us, but he's done enough. This is my husband's responsibility.

The owner talked with him at length about a month ago about the importance of AA and continuing to work on his recovery. My husband told me about this. I didn't ask questions about how or when he planned on doing that. He knows what's been recommended to him and where to find help. I'm leaving his recovery up to him. He's been working 7 days a week since he got back, which is fairly normal here. He's getting to the tail end of their busiest time of the year and it would be easier now to go to AA meetings and counseling if he wants to.

Everyone at work would have made it possible for him to have time off for that and to get away for a couple days if he wanted to. He's used to shouldering everything and turned that down. If he's going to change that will have to come from within him. Each week there have been slow steady improvements with him. He started out with a lot of internal anger, blaming everyone but himself and constant negativity. Now he's leveling out, actually having fun with our son for bits of time instead of forcing that, etc. More consistently in a better mood. Small times of setbacks in that, but understandable. Happens to me, too.

For most of last night it didn't seem like he'd been drinking, but when he first came home there was something that made me think he had been. I am trusting my instincts. I don't need to know or be right about it. It's fine if I'm wrong, but I'm not ignoring the possibility.

If he was drinking, more will follow. If that's the case, I'll call and turn this over to his boss, his former counselor from rehab and/or some others who have been through this themselves and have called and care about him. Maybe he'd be going back to rehab, maybe outpatient? No idea on that and I'm actually okay with that. I don't have to have the answers, I don't need to provide the solution. It isn't up to me. That is a good thing!

I have several options of where our son and I could go if I decide to leave. Before I didn't see any of them as options, now I see valid options all around me. We have much more debt than income. I currently have a small paycheck I'd lose from this company, along with insurance.

My health is improving and soon I'll be able to work more hours again when the right job is available. There is one 35 miles away (most jobs around here are that far or farther) that pays well that I've avoided for the past year because it has crazy rotating shifts and lots of pressure. At first I didn't know if I could do it well enough to apply; now I could but I'm sure it'd tear me down physically and mentally pretty quickly. I'm learning not to rush this. Every time I push too hard to get things done it sets me back physically. I am enjoying the fact that I am healing. Figuring out the emotional abuse and dealing with that was so necessary.

If he were to go back to full time drinking and leave his job, I'd be okay. That would be his choice. I'm now capable of making my own. I'd be okay with asking for help if I were to need it. I'd most likely ask for it in a way that would give me a chance to start up a small business and live there with our son if we need to. I'm good at small startups -- $5000 could get me going and I'm not beyond asking a lot of people for help, possibly by pre-selling products and services to raise funds. I owned my own business for a few years, built it up from scratch and sold it for a profit when our youngest son was born. I'm getting strong enough now that I know something good is ahead of me. I'm not ruling anything out, even if it's living in a camper and working for a septic company. That actually could be a pretty good job, being outside all day and having a dependable paycheck.

MissFixit

That is so smart to have options. It is so hard to look beyond what we are comfortable with. It sounds like you really have yourself together.

Mango blast

Faking it until it's fully there.

I'm exhausted, burnt out and yet I'm on the mend. Problems with my kidneys, adrenals, liver and ovaries along with environmental toxicities. I have a very good doctor now and am on a mix of supplements that are helping me heal, along with a set routine and gentle exercises. I'm much stronger than I have been in a very long time. [happy dance]

Mango blast

Not long after I wrote that long post my husband stopped in at the house. Yep, completely drunk. I held firm with him that either he makes some calls today for help or I do. Reminded him that now he knows how to get help, that he has his book with numbers of plenty of people who care about him. That none of us are judging him. They've been through this themselves and are there for him. That he can't do this alone and he doesn't have to. That God is with him, but he has to ask him for help with all his heart.

It's up to him whether he will accept help from others.

I have 20+ rooms in this house to clean before I move -- whether that's in the coming weeks or if I have a year. Piled with life that I haven't been able to deal with. I now see that even this I don't need to deal with alone. And yet now I'm strong enough that I may be able to.

Why not leave that to him? Because it's my responsibility -- the kids and I let it become this way (they have adrenal/food issues like I do; ie. low energy that's now healing), we'll work on cleaning it up. Clothes the kids have outgrown, too many toys, piles of stuff I kept meaning to want to work on whether projects or ideas. Nothing of value, except possibly emotional. I'm mentally ready to clear things out - we'll see what my body is capable of. I'm okay with working on small areas at a time. His areas I'll leave completely to him to deal with.

Getting ready for whatever lies ahead. That's a good thing.

MissFixit

Trusting your instincts is a good thing. At least you still have them. I remember denying mine for so long that it took a few years to understand them again.

I am sorry you find yourself here.

SeriousKarma

keepingthefaith,

You're amazing.

Mango blast

Thanks for all of you being here with me. This has been a rough day and still 5 hours until our son's bedtime. I've been trying to keep him busy and then had him take a shower. He has toys in there and is having a great time. I turned the shower head on low so he can play for a long time before we run out of hot water. It's not right that I'm trying to keep him out of this for now, but it also isn't right for him to have to deal with any of this. I'm thought about taking him to the movies, but it's a two hour drive each way and would throw us too far off our schedule. Now that we finally have a fairly set routine it's become a really good thing for both him and I.

My husband went out for a few minutes to work, but he wasn't in any shape for that. He kept talking about what needed to be done and I countered with all of it being able to wait until tomorrow. He tried to get me to go with him to keep him company like that was a good thing. I told him I wasn't going anywhere with him when he's drunk. (he was walking, not driving)

Earlier I had gone out and talked with the couple he had been working with. I got things out in the open and let them know they can talk about it and told my husband it's obvious to everyone and there's no sense in trying to act otherwise. I said they're your friends besides just being coworkers and they have a right to be able to talk about this with you. The wife talked to him for a few minutes and when her husband came back from lining things out with another worker he talked to him for a moment before leaving. I don't think the husband wanted to deal with him, but it was good. It's long past time for us all to stop hiding from the obvious.

My husband has made some phone calls this afternoon and talked to a couple people. Not much advice on their end for the ones he was able to reach, but the accountability was probably good. He said it's really hard to call anyone, so having to dial multiple numbers when he kept reaching voice mails and to figure out how to talk to them was good. One person he was really rude to when he was trying to be funny. I don't know if we'll have much contact with that couple again (very nice people), but that's okay either way. HE caused that. He needs to figure out how to get his crap together. He probably shouldn't be drunk dialing, but the only other option was for him to try to ignore this and I wasn't letting that happen. Either he started calling for help or I was going to - for my own sake. I knew once he sobered up there was no way he'd start calling then. Now he came in and the phone has rang a couple of times with people calling him back.

I told him earlier, I'm not his sponsor or counselor. I'm his wife and I can't help him through this - he needs to get a hold of people who can help him.

Mango blast

So where are we today? In my view, stalled out and spinning wheels. He says he hasn't been drinking. He isn't as drunk as yesterday, but he isn't fully sober. When pushed, he says he's going to a meeting this week. Why did I even go there?? Either he will or he won't, but he'll only take away what he wants to anyway. Pushing him there won't do it.

I felt lost for a bit this morning. Exhausted from the emotions of yesterday, even though I was handling everything fairly well. I've started on my normal routine of taking care of me and am feeling a bit better. All I can see for me to do is work on me. My goal for the day is to get out of here for a while this afternoon. Take our son and my camera and find something to photograph and have some play time for both of us. I mentioned to AH earlier about going to get eggs and milk from the farm we buy from and made the mistake of asking if he wanted to go along. He said sure. -- why does that have to be a sign that he's not sober??@!! Why did I ask if I don't want to be around him today?? Seriously wasn't thinking there. The past few weeks I've been working on doing that and he never says yes, but I ask because I would like time with him. But not right now. Not like this.

Whether we all do something together or if I leave without him today, I know that WHATEVER I do will not be the cause of him drinking or not drinking.

I was supposed to be working on a proposal for a freelance job this weekend that I need to present in a couple days. My mind isn't anywhere on that right now. I may put it off again until tomorrow morning when my husband is at work and our son is at school.

For the past two weeks I've been putting off calling and solidifying a job for this summer because it'll be more sporadic than I was expecting, which makes the pay a lot lower than I was hoping for. Mostly putting it off because I didn't know what might happen here. It's still a known paycheck for a little while which is better than completely unknown, and I know I can do it well. That's good for my confidence level in myself. It's not far from here, but our son and I could live there for a couple months if we need to. Not my first choice of places to be if we leave here, but it would be okay.

I'm planning on calling my husband's boss within the next few days to let him know of the relapse. He deserves to know and I need to be honest about what's going on, whether my husband is dry or not then.

SeriousKarma

I'm looking back over the timeline of your posts and it's hitting me just how raw this all is. Is he still in the middle of a bender? Typically speaking how long do his drinking bouts last?

(I'm out of the trenches now, but I'll never stop remembering what it feels like to go through what you're going through. I'm sending you all the love and prayers I can muster. Like you say, "The sun always rises.")

Mango blast

Typically speaking from the past year, his benders were 4-5 days with non-stop drinking the rest of the time to just keep functioning. He was sober on his own (not working a program) for 2 months a year ago. That was followed up with a 4 day bender ending with a life flight and week in the trauma ward. (not his first)

I'm doing better right now. Centered, balanced, aware. Reading some parts of books that struck home with me. Doing self-work.

I'm going to call a rehab tomorrow to have them see if our insurance will pay for another go-around. He has other issues that really come to the forefront for me the past couple months (yes, thank you Hammer for insight into that beforehand!! ) He went to a dual-diagnosis treatment rehab but they didn't get into any of the stuff I'm now seeing. Reason for the call is.for.me. I need to know my options of who to turn this over to. His mom and sisters will be of no help. My parents will support us in every way they can, but they have no experience in this so that will have to be in prayer.

He hasn't been to see his doctor since the day he got out of rehab, so an appt there will be good. Each of his times sobering up and being willing to get help this past six months has been with her help. I can't do this for him. I am learning who to turn him over to. Right now, I think he'll accept help. If he doesn't, I'll know it's time to let him go.

Mango blast

I don't know. He isn't full on drunk like yesterday, but he's not fully sobered up. I don't know if that's after effects or if he's drinking less today. Doesn't really matter to me right now. More will be revealed. (I'm amazed that I no longer dread that statement!!)

I'm also doing a crazy thing that I learned from our doctor. I am celebrating the fact that he just spent more than three months sober. No matter what happens from here, that was a good thing.

Thank you so much!!!

Mango blast

I have a headache. No wonder. I'm feeling the stress and tension in my muscles and need to let it go.

This isn't what helped me today, but it's a nice summary of many chapters I've been reading in other books:

Mango blast

Explained more fully here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-slogan.html

SeriousKarma

[QUOTE=keepingthefaith;4559192 I am celebrating the fact that he just spent more than three months sober. No matter what happens from here, that was a good thing.[/QUOTE]

Absolutely! When I look back over the years, and I ask the question "What do I know now that I wish I had known then?", it is to use those periods of sobriety wisely. I guess that's the one piece of advice that some of us old-timers could give the young-ins that they might just be willing to take.

Mango blast

Wash, rinse, repeat. Starting again where I was this morning, but not feeling lost. I'm mad that this was a planned relapse. That he doesn't really seem remorseful. Even if this one is over (yet to be seen), those are signs of another one coming. Catch 22. If he does stop drinking now, that's one more reason in his mind that doing this again sometime is okay. It's not. I'm not going back on this merry-go-round.

There is so much bottled up inside of him that he won't start to let loose of. I can't help him with that. Stuff buried deep. No excuses needed to be an alcoholic, yet there are plenty of things that can come into play with working on recovery -- or refusing to want to work it.

Mango blast

So ironic. Reading back through and I talk about letting go... letting go...

and part of me wants to kick and scream and say "what about 27 years together??"

What will be, will be. I can't force him to love me still, especially when he doesn't know how to love himself. It's okay for me to be mad, to cry, to grieve that what we had that was good for so long is currently gone. It's good to let it out... and now go back to simply being. Me. In the moment. I'm finding my strength, trusting my instincts and I know I am healing. Ideally, hopefully, he'll find healing and we'll find a way to come back together. Ready or not, no matter what is ahead, here life comes.

I am feeling again and that is amazing!
I have both feet firmly planted on home ground and I feel good.