Bernadette777

Good morning Friends,
The sun is shining, Spring is here... So why am I feeling down because he let go of me. I was brushed off by my ABf. Is the bottle & drugs really that influential? Do you know how I feel knowing that the man who asked me out with the line,"before I make you my wife I need to make you my girlfriend" how could I be dismissed & replaced with the booze, using, & people he thinks are his friends when in fact they are nothing but enablers. How do I wrap my head around this one? Any words of wisdom? Please and thank you.

marie1960

There is not an ounce of logic in what addicts do.

Spent many sleepless nights in a "WTF just happened ", state of mind.

I recently read this somewhere and it made sense.

We either make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

Peace to you, friend.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you have escaped before things got even worse.

Sorry for your pain, but trying to make sense of an addict's actions, words, or promises
is absolutely pointless and just keeps you wallowing in upset and suffering.

There is someone better for you who doesn't have these problems but you need to let
this guy go from your heart in order to find him.

Good luck B and let yourself heal now. . .

MissFixit

When someone comes on really strong like that, I have learned to be cautious. I once had a therapist who told me that when people behave in ways that are dramatic for the situation (even if it sounds really great) you need to watch out because they will eventually will swing the other way and will do/say really bad things. The healthiest people are people who don't behave strongly in either direction. My desire for excitement and interesting relationships has led me astray when I chose partners who were/are dramatic.

Bernadette777

Dear Marie1960, Hawkeye13, & Missfixit,

Thank you for your healing & kind words. I mean that with all my heart. I wish the best To you. So the sun is shining, Spring is here, I will work on my healing today because of the inspirational words of you guys, my friends here at SR. Thank you all, huge hugs to all xo, B. xo peace

Hammer

Maybe hit this (very good video link) on this thread . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...people-go.html

And have this as your screen saver for a while?

Ofelie

Its soul tearing, heart wrenching, and yes, we have all..or almost all..of us gone through it, so yes, we do know how it feels to be brushed aside by our alcoholic spouses/partners/family members, etc for the bottle and all its trappings as if we were simply furniture they got tired of. Yes, the bottle and drugs really do have that much influence, and honey, there really is no way to wrap your head around it because he is ruled by his addiction, not normal mores and standards of human behavior. I have been trying for months, and have gotten no closer to figuring it out and it hurts like hell. How could I be tossed aside, after all his words of love? How could he just leave me, and act as if he were the victim? How could he point and say I am the crazy one, its unfathomable. I stand here open mouthed in shock, disgust, disbelief, even today, after almost three months. All I can say is addiction sucks, it is the worst kind of hell to be on the partner side of an addict. It hurts, and you know what I have realized...you have a CHOICE not to go through that. Seriously, don't do that to yourself, I dunno why we do it. But just don't. I agree with Hawkeye and Hammer, LET HIM GO and know that there is someone better for you out there who won't have any of these problems, who will love and cherish you like normal people can. Its useless loving an addict, it will only bring you pain. Don't waste your precious time in your life trying to fix someone who is an addict and has mental isssues...let him go and find someone who is healthy and capable of loving. It sounds impossible and horrible, to just let go and walk away and start over, I know. I know it does. But it IS possible. And its OK to do it, its OK to just say to hell with this, and stop letting it hurt you so badly and move forward without him and his chaos. I think sometimes we feel obligated not to give up, but we ARE NOT obligated. We are obligated to live for US, and US only. Its hard, and there will be bumps in the road as you do it.
I don't know any of your background or story, but I can say this...if it hasn't happened yet, it most likely will. He will probably show back up and start pointing the fingers. Build up your walls of protection now...and don't believe a word of his crapola when it happens. It seems these people often waltz away as if we are nothing and then come roaring back with accusations and blame. If he suddenly decides he made a mistake tossing you aside, and they usually do, he will surely come back blaming you for one reason or another. So...my lowly words of wisdom for your hurting heart...straight from my hurting, devastated heart, let go of this one, it will only bring you more and more pain. Detach, walk away from all this, and start new. Go no contact and when he starts contacting you blaming you..don't respond. Shut him out, say to hell with his crapola, and give yourself the gift of starting over. Its absolute freedom, honey. Shiny, happy, lovely freedom is what you are giving yourself. Freedom from misery and pain of loving an addict. Life is beautiful, its a gift. Stop wasting it on someone that cannot appreciate it or you.

Bernadette777

Dearest Ofelie & Hammer,

I'm sitting here drying my tears as I attempt to type back. My heart is so thankful to you both for your help & wisdom words. I just read your words Out loud, they resonated through me. I'm trying and I will get better thanks to my faith, family & loving good folks like yourselves. It's a hard pill for me to swallow that he had the audacity to walk away from me. Damn it. His family all thought I was a lovely girl. He really adored me too. But enough about this. I'm reading & reading more and more everyday and Im learning to understand the illness addicts have- and well, Simply put, I can't fix it. Thank God above I don't live with him and no children are involved. You know something Hammer & Olfelie...truth is I knew that his head-on fast whirlwind approach to our relationship was to good to be true, but, i wanted to just be in a happy relationship. when i was younger i wanted to be a doctor and its in me to want to help & heal. But I throw the towel in on this. I can't. He hasn't reached back - and boy do I hope he does because as much of a nice girl I may be, (and I don't mean that in a snobby way) but- if he does reach out, man- I'll tell you, I have a lion inside my heart that wants to roar. I want to tell him That his damn enabling friends are dragging him down and that he should stay close to his family who loves him. I want him to get his s--- together, but, I know even then, I can't go back. Bc I'll wonder when will his moodiness & jones kick in. Your both right. I understand. If I post from time to time it's because of a moment of sentimentality- but, I promise to be a good soldier & keep my head up and eyes forward. I think the hardest part will be the no contact aspect. i still would like to send the final text that says,"get sober, have a good life, thank you for loving me when you did & goodbye. If I could've given you guys a huge hug today, I would do so. So here my friends (((((((HUGS)))))))) xo 2 & thank you. Thank you Ofelie & Hammer, I pray all will be well for your situations also. God Bless you always. Love, Bernadette 777 (the good soldier) peace & love.

shil2587

Bernadette i could have written your post a few months ago. All i can say is it does get easier it took me 4 months before I could smile again. It took six months before I could handle being around my friends in a social context.

Our men weren't able to back up their love with commitment. The alcohol was the nothing they could commit to because it holds them prisoner. It's not your fault and it's not a reflection on you.

For now, feel free to post as much as you want. Treat yourself to something just for you each day. Cry and wail when you want to. Please don't think you have to be ok straight away. I found it really cleansing to give myself permission to feel whatever I felt, for however long that took.

We are here for you. This is the start of you gaining more control over your life.

Pia

Bernadette777- Be gentle to yourself. It's horrible to deal with the after effects of being with someone for a long time. I think I missed how long you were together but since I found out the truth till today it has been 6 months. I am feeling stronger but the panic attacks are the worse. I can be completely fine not thinking of anything and all of a sudden something will trigger and I can't control the tears. I am getting stronger but have never dealt with panic attacks before so I am working on that.
I read you want to tell him about his enabling friends but in my experience it doesn't matter bc he isn't stopping. You would be wasting energy and breathe to make a point to him. When I made a point I thought I was getting to his heart now I know I was just annoying him and he wasn't listening.
Do yourself a favor delete his number and shake the dust off.

Bernadette777

Hi Radiant & Shil2587,

Just wanted to say thank you both for your wise, kind and healing words. I appreciate your time & thought for the relationship with my ABf- I it'a weird, we didn't have a fight or any words, he just faded out like a song.. It's so strange because the way he loved me was do intense, the affection , the attention - I never thought this was going to happen with him. We went out for about 8-9 months. He took 6 weeks off though to use big time & drink with his boys- he said, "I go into a man cave when things are rough in my life honey, you don't deserve that" his mother was ill at the time. I tried to hold on, I never thought I would be praying for a response text from this man. He used to text me every morning, middle of the day, nighttime always. Even my family thought this was the one I would end up with. I hoped so, but I saw things they didn't. I knew. I detest booze & drugs. Thanks guys for your support. I pray for you both that all will be well with your situations too. Stay strong & thank you both again. Peace, and have a blessed evening & blessed week. Xo, Bernadette 777