Stung

I have to agree that you're already doing a great job! I was in a similar position as you only a few months ago and I had a heck of a time realizing that my husband's drinking wasn't the problem, the fact that I expected him to STOP drinking was the problem.

Keep posting, keep reading. You're doing great, MissTiff!

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you Karma! That means a lot to me

I have to say also, Shil, you and I seem to be from the same form in that we both feel we don't NEED to fix anyone, but that it's our duty, because rather than take the time to fix ourselves and face what we don't want to face, it's easier to put the burden of others on us, to feel like we are valuable. Thank you for sharing that side of your story with me, and all of us here. I feel so thankful that yes, hearing and seeing all of this is crushing, it is something that I have needed to see.

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you Sparkle, and all of you here!

sllyappl

I hope I don't come across as mean but IMHO...get out now. I could have easily written exactly the same words you have. I'm still with my bf of almost 4 years later. The BF that has destroyed my self-esteem, cheated, lied, abused, and I wanted to help him and still do. We have a baby together and I worry about her care and him driving if I don't know if he has been drinking. I have been broken so far down...I struggle with shame and disappointment in myself. I hope this time soon...I'll actually be done. My bf bought me some spring flowers today. Of course they're beautiful. He is talking about the trip he wants to take me on and how he will be better for me so our daughter will see how loving his parents are to each other. I have heard this in so many different ways before and I don't even know how many bouquets of flowers I've gotten. We are just coming off a 3 week fight of his controlling emotional abuse. He is sorry.

It is sad and I've put so much time in. take care of YOU and get away. Hugs. Feel free to send me a private message too, if you need anything.

xxmisstiffxx

I am so sorry appl, that you are having to go through this. After a lot of thinking, and worrying, and trying to help him, I realized this weekend that all my effort just has not made any difference, and that if I don't get out now, I will be stuck with taking care of him forever. I left this morning, after being promised he would not get so drunk last night he couldn't take me to work. Yeah, that promise wasn't kept. I walked out and didn't look back. This is his battle to fight, I have fought enough.

I am sad, of course, and can barely function at work today, but I know I made the best decision for me. Maybe for him as well, who knows. I am not going to worry about him right now.

hopeful4

That was one of my fears too, that I would be stuck taking care of a sick, drunk man later on in life. No thank you.

sllyappl

Hi MissTiff

I hope in the coming months, I stay strong like you. It will be a process to ask my abf to leave (we live together). He has kids other kids too .

It is sad and hard and I admire your strength.

Take care,
sllyappl

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you appl. Just join me in talking on here, and getting the support and help we both need right now. I am so thankful for this site. Had I not found it, I might still be trying to get out.

Hugs

xxmisstiffxx

Hi everyone,

My apologies for such a long hiatus. Been a trying couple of months. I have finally ended it with my alcoholic bf. Not after being cheated on again, with the excuse that "I was drunk and lonely and you couldn't be here so I called my friend." Nice huh.

In finding this out, I unleashed a beast that I never thought in a million years I had in me. I slapped him across the face, threw things, pushed him, screamed bloody murder, picked up his bottle and smashed it on the ground, which he then managed to pick up, grab an empty juice bottle and fill the remains of his vodka into it.

I kicked him out, telling him he lost the best thing that ever happened to him, continued to badger and insult and rage until I had nothing left in me. Next came her. Without any disregard to me, and her saying "what him and I do on our time is none of your business." Um WHAT THE F**K did you say bitch?? So that let me on a tirade again.

Yes. Ashamedly I went bat **** crazy. To the point where I actually scared myself that I might actually phsyically hurt them. I stepped back, cooled of, realized what I had done and cried more tears than I think I ever had in me. I broke it off of course, told him that he did not love or respect me, he didn't feel bad or regret cheating, and if I was to keep myself sane, I had to leave him. I said I cared for him, and wished him the best, and to get help.

Now, dealing with the what ifs, the coulda, woulda, shoulda aspect of everything, dwelling and stewing about now he's probably with her, and I'm alone..AGAIN. I am seeing a therapist again, and hope to God I can learn to deal with this rejection and pain and heal myself. I went to a very scary place that I never wish to return.

Thank you for listening.

SparkleKitty

Thank you for the update.

Being alone is truly NOT the worst thing in the world, though I used to believe it was. In fact, it was the only way I could truly begin to heal. Being with someone in a relationship while you are trying to recover is a distraction at best and fuel-for-the-fire at worst. I wish you strength and patience as you embark on what I hope will be an enlightening and fulfilling journey towards the most satisfying relationship anyone can have -- with yourself.

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you Sparklekitty.

FireSprite

I'm really sorry it had to happen this way misstiff.... ((((BIG HUGS)))) .... but I believe that you have the chance at coming out on top here. He's not even close to wanting to change & embrace sobriety but your eyes have widened & you have the opportunity to move forward in life, far away from this crazy-making.

dandylion

Don't you just hate *Trash Nite?

*(the night you throw out all the trash).

dandylion

ladyscribbler

The main thing I noticed about your post was even in the middle of a violent and terrifying fight, his first priority was saving the vodka. Sad. You did the right thing.
I had a lot of anger built up inside me as well. Years worth, going all the way back to stuffing my emotions as a child. As I work my recovery, I have found that a lot of that anger was at myself, and as I have been able to forgive myself it has become easier for me to forgive others so that I'm no longer hanging on to all that pain and shame.
Take care.

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you all. It is very hard, because I had him on such a tall pedestal, of what he could be, not what he is now. Having such high hopes for the future, all to have that bubble burst is very disheartening and disappointing. I know that I did the right thing, although the thought of him with someone else kills me (in the future) not now.

hopeful4

Good for you to move on. I promise him being with someone else will not kill you now or in the future. Look at this as everything you never wanted in a man. Wisen up on your next pick and give yourself some good R&R and enjoy some peace in your life.

xxmisstiffxx

That is what I am working through with my therapist. To stop putting blame on myself, "well if i drove i could have gotten there and he wouldn't have cheated." That's all a joke, he shouldn't have regardless if I drove or not.

I will get through this. I have before, and I will again. Just the first week is the hardest. The swimming thoughts, the sleepless nights wondering what the hell he is or what he is doing, etc etc etc

littlesister1

Personally I would rather be lonely because I am alone than be lonely when I am with someone who isn't there for me.

xxmisstiffxx

I agree.

xxmisstiffxx

It makes me so angry, because when he's not drunk, he's a really amazing person who I know would never do anything to hurt me. That is the battle, and right now the bottle is winning