xxmisstiffxx

We did have the discussion that we may have moved, rather we DID move too fast in saying we loved one another. When he first said it to me, I explained that although I care for him, I wasn't at that point yet, this was about a month or so of dating. He seemed okay with that and we continued on. When I came to the realization that I did have love for him, I did tell him, yes it was soon for me as well, but when I feel it, I say it. I suppose that has potential to get me into trouble.

I am joining an Al-Anon group this weekend, and while he is away on his vacation, I intend to take that time to be by myself, to think, and when he gets back, to let him go. I've been reading over and over the things you have all said, and the worst I ever felt in my marriage was feeling I wasn't good enough, taking the blame for the asses actions when I was not at fault for any of them. I will not feel that way again. He needs help, but he has to do it on his own, without me.

xxmisstiffxx

Atalose,

Although I agree with what you're saying, I do not agree with me being the problem here. The problem is him and his drinking. The fact I want to help, has nothing to do with being selfish, and wanting what I want, which is him to treat me like I deserve and not be lied to, etc. I want to help HIM get better, to live a normal life, with or without me, to not be afraid , to not feel like he has to hide behind alcohol, to not feel like he is worthless or a burden to others. It has NOTHING to do with me.

Wisconsin, you're right. I am sick. I have been for a very long time. Always too ashamed to find or even look for the help I need, in fear of finding out things I don't want to know. About myself, about my father, my family, my relationships. I am so afraid of finding out it really is ME.

honeypig

Miss, I could have written this post almost word for word a year ago.

I've learned a lot in that year...and I still have a lot more to learn.

ETA: Wisconsin's second paragraph below really says it all. It changed my life totally when I realized that truth. I truly hope you can understand, too.

Wisconsin

MissTiff, I don't think Atalose and I are saying different things at all. Of course it is perfectly fine for you to want what you want. I think what we are saying, though, is that EXPECTING that someone who is sick and crazy to give you what you want is disordered thinking, which probably has a hundred different totally justifiable sources. The problem isn't that you want to be treated well; it's that you expect your boyfriend to be the one who treats you well, simply because it's what you want. Heck...the world is full of totally sane, sober people who won't treat you well simply because it's what you want. Part of YOUR recovery is learning how to create boundaries that protect you (as opposed to making "rules" that are designed to control others' behavior) so that you can honor the things that are important to you, and learning to follow through with consequences (up to and including no contact) with people who make it a habit of violating your boundaries.

I don't believe anyone suggests you are to blame for your boyfriend's behavior, or his addiction. Rather, we are suggesting that refusing to accept that your own dysfunctions are contributing to your own unhappiness will prevent you from growing and finding the happiness you want and deserve.

Trailsky

I said this exact thing for many years.

You are right that his drinking is A problem. It is not THE problem though.

You deserve to be treated well. He has not done that so why try to change him? Find someone who does. Check out the book The Mastery of Love

You can not help him get better. You can't make him feel self worth.

The only thing you can do is start reading about codependency, go to al anon, post here and start learning about yourself and healing. Open your mind and heart to the help that is put out there. Being Codependant and loving an alcoholic is torture.

Health people would not even search out this site. A healthy person would see the red flags, know they deserve better and not get involved. An unhealthy Codependant sounds exactly like what you wrote above.

I know you can't hear my voice through a computer but I am saying this with complete love and empathy.

It is recommended to give alanon a try for 6 meetings. Go to a few in your area. The first one I went to didn't feel good then I found the meeting I like and the support there is incredible! The cool thing is, no one talks about the A in their life. Everyone is focused on themselves and their recovery. Give it a chance and you will be SO glad you did.

Also get the Paths to Recovery 12 step book and start reading it. After a few meetings talk to someone in the meeting that you identified with when they talked and ask if they will sponsor you.

Alanon has saved my life.

xxmisstiffxx

I just wish it was simpler. That I could just take all of the crap from the past and put it behind me, and move on and actually be happy with just myself, rather than repeat past mistakes and burying myself deeper in my own misery. I am truly hoping that Al-anon can help me, regardless of who I am with or how my family life has been. I just want to be happy and not have to rely on other's to make me feel good about myself. Ugh, sorry don't mean to be a cry baby, just all of this has me thinking about all the things I do want, and how I really am denying MYSELF all of it.

Trailsky

I am just laughing at myself as I read my post. Boy I sure sound like I have all the answers for you and have it together. I don't lol.

That is the Codie in me. Knowing what's best for you

atalose

Did you not fall in love with an alcholic 12 weeks ago? And now you want him to change for you? Yes I'd say that is YOUR problem.

Not once did I say or call you selfish, that's a word you picked to use.

I never said you were the cause of his drinking or addiction. I was simple saying pretty much what Wisconsin said:

xxmisstiffxx

You're misconstruing what I had said. I don't want him to change for me, I want him to change for himself. I've already made the decision to leave. I chose selfish because it seems to be that is what you are insinuating, and that isn't the case at all. I do want him to get well, to seek help, with or WITHOUT me.

I don't mean to come off as snotty, but your comment hit a nerve. For my benefit no doubt, but still hurt.

m1k3

Welcome to the dark side.

Powerful and baffling it is, deceptive and cunning it is.

Not easy it is to have reality slap you in the face and see only what you want to see. Hard work it is.

Ok, so much for channeling Yoda, too hard to write that way it is. You are a kind and compassionate person who sees someone hurting and you want to save them. But you can’t. He is the only one who can save himself and he will do that only when he is ready. You have NO control over his drinking or his behavior. You aren’t that strong, none of us are. One of the first things I learned here is the 3 C’s.

I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.

The only thing any of us has any control over is how we choose to respond to what is going on around us. You have the choice of either joining the fight and trying to save him, sounds good but trust me it is the path to the dark side, or you can learn how to take care of yourself and not just run on autopilot.

I will tell you that almost everyone here has tried to save someone, had our lives descend into hell and then finally found recovery. It’s a lot easier if you skip the first step.

This is the first step to pain. I know it's not easy but you have to give up on wanting him to change for any reason. He is an adult and gets to make his own choices.

Pain instructs or it brings more pain.


Your friend,

amy55

Hi there, and welcome to SR

Just wanted to chime in a little here. Take what you can and leave the rest.

I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for over 27 years. Lived with him for over 25 years. (That's how long the divorce took).

During that time I became obsessed. Obsessed with trying to change things, that in no way I could change. I had many of the "what ifs", "if only". I developed PTSD because of this obsession, and trying to change things so that he could see that things would be so much better, "if only ..............."

I am now divorced over 3 years, and I still will not date anyone, simply because I don't know if that little miss fix it in me will show up again.

I no longer want to change another person so that they can live a happier life, they can live the life they want. It's either acceptable to me or it isn't.

I'm tired of trying to prove my own "rightness" to someone. They can either try to be happy for themselves or not. It's not my job.

Even after 3 years of divorce though, I'm still afraid to get myself back out there again, maybe I never will.

Guess what I am really trying to say here is that I don't know if my obsession to fix someone else is gone yet. It's something that I am working on, and I never want to get into another relationship that I feel that I need to fix.

I can understand seeing the "lost little boy" inside. He is in there somewhere, but it is his job to fix that, not mine.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

xxmisstiffxx

You have no idea what your support and kind words mean to me everyone. I was really looking for advice to help him, but have gotten a lot of help for myself instead. Thank you all so much.

I guess my next question, how in the hell do I go about breaking this off? I don't want to put blame on him, make him feel like it's his fault I'm letting him go. There I go again, but really, I want to let him down as gently as possible.

m1k3

I reread this and I am telling you what to do, that's wrong and I don't have the right to do that. My codie jumped out there. I'm sorry.

It should read

atalose

Ditto what M1k3 said, life is easier when we give up on the wanting to change peopel for any reason.

Why does a break up have to be anyones fault, why does there have to be any blame at all.............it's simply............you both want different things out of life and care enough about each other to let go.

It's the over thinking it and choice of words that get us into trouble where we end up in a debate, a negotiation and not really breaking up at all, being more confused then ever and right back where we started.

Keep it simple and keep it quick!!

FireSprite

I wouldn't complicate it with a lot of back & forth talk if possible - just simply state that this relationship is not working FOR YOU and that you are doing what is right for you by ending it.

Misstiff, I really hope that you stick around SR & read here & in the other forums. I think this thread represents a teeny slice of what you will uncover about yourself the more you read & learn.

I cannot tell you how much I have pieced together about myself this way, and how much of what I thought I knew about myself as an ACoA ended up being so far off base & how much I never saw clearly at all because I just couldn't "see". I have literally undergone so many changes that I often forget stuff that I used to struggle with until posts like yours remind me of the earlier days.

Hang in there, you are handling this all much better than you think.

xxmisstiffxx

Thank you Fire. I don't feel like I am handling it well at all, but hopefully once I sit with him and just end it, I'll feel a sigh of relief in spite of my sadness.

TalenCrowhaven

Hugs to you Miss!

The best news right now is that you are reaching out and educating yourself.

Sometimes, this education and support from others will lessen the time it takes to be done with the pain.

Swift journeys!

SparkleKitty

You don't need any reason to end a relationship more valid than "this is not what I need right now." You don't have to justify your actions or choices, they are yours. Best of luck to you, my friend. Sending you strength, courage, and all the hugs.

SeriousKarma

xxmistiffxx,

You're an intelligent, articulate, caring, person. I know this has been a lot to take in, and you've shown a lot of strength and grace in listening to all of these very wise, but very difficult replies. I think you have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for.

I hope you keep coming back.

shil2587

This. I know that I would have reacted badly had I received all of this feedback when I first joined. Your graceful handling and openness to advice has really made me think about my own mindset.

I would like to add a slightly different angle to the codependant thing. I too don't think I ever tried to change someone because I thought I was special or because thought they should change for me, but I did pick men with issues because, I think, I felt safe with that. Someone outgoing and confident scared me because I didn't think I was worth that. Instead I chose men that were damaged and then got miserable that they couldn't contribute to the relationship and me as I needed them to. So I would then switch between resenting them for not giving me what I needed and feeling like a failure for not being able to inspire the love that I craved.

So for me, my issue isn't so much trying to fix people, it is more that I accept the unacceptable because I don't value myself enough to see that it's unacceptable. So I focus on trying to help them rather than helping myself.

Maybe some of that might apply to you, maybe not, but I thought I could share my slightly different angle.