CodeJob

Very grateful to hear from you EmmyG. Keep you and your kids as your first priority and you will be just fine! Hugs and prayers!

EmmyG

I called him on my way in to work and told him I'm moving out tomorrow. I promised his mom I'd pick her up from airport tonight. I'm going to use his truck tomorrow to move my stuff into storage and I'll stay at my parents' and commute for a few weeks until I can get a place to live. He tried to say that putting his hand around my neck yesterday was "tongue in cheek, dark humor" and that I'm being dramatic. He said he was just making a point, he would never actually hurt me. Then he said I have assaulted him so many times (actually just once, in frustration, I smacked his arm). He said I am manic, crazy, and that he is driven to drinking by my oppression and being the "gestapo." This is the kind of talk that's kept me there in the past. I see now that he's never going to get help. He said he doesn't need it anyway.

Carlotta

OMG this is verbatim what my ex told me!!! That it was dark humor, that I was dramatic and exaggerating and that he was trying to make a point (what point do you make assaulting and scaring someone btw?) and he would never hurt me!
And I was so codie sick at the time that I bought into his evil quacking and thought that maybe something was wrong with me that I was dramatic and that of course he would never really hurt me.
I am so glad you got SR for support and as a sounding board, I wish I had had it back then. Living with an abusive active alkie, we become sick too and start questioning our own sanity and lose all sense of what is normal and what is not.
Putting one's hand around one's partner neck and squeezing is NOT normal
Please don't question yourself or buy into his self apologetic bs and please keep posting and getting feedback from us (even if at some point it is not what you want to hear).

Wisconsin

Oh Emmy, my AH pulls the "you think I'm abusive?!? Well YOU'RE abusive!" crap with me all the time. I am so glad you aren't buying into that line of BS.

((HUGS)) to you.

CodeJob

Nothing like a little alcoholic transference to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, hey Emmy!?

Is his Mom staying with him? Is she safe? Not that you need someone else to take care of - but does she have any idea what she is getting into?

EmmyG

His mom knows, she's been dealing with him for years. I don't think he's ever done that to her (that I know of). Not a great family dynamic there - she hides EVERYTHING from his dad, so his dad never has a clue any of this is going on. His dad has a bad heart, so I think now that's even more of a reason to hide it.

When he had that seizure, the doctor said he has a cyst in his head that could be causing some of his issues and that he needs to see a neurosurgeon. His mom said she is not excusing his behavior in any way, but that she thinks it could be related. That's fine, but he can seek help if he wants it. He makes plenty of money.

EmmyG

You're so right. It's crazy to actually hear him trying to justify it. I actually laughed because it sounded so preposterous. I was so scared when he did it. He wouldn't let me leave the room and I thought he might do something crazy. I NEVER want to feel that way again. I look forward to having my own apartment. I used to think, "I don't want to go live in some little apartment, I love my house/neighborhood." WHO CARES?! I will make it nice, and it'll be peaceful for my boys. And I won't have to worry about what state he is in anymore. I can't wait.

Wisconsin

I have come to understand that for me, it is easier and easier to detach the crazier my AH gets. The more ridiculous his words and actions, the easier it is for me to just do a mental eyeroll, detach, not take it personally, and carry on with my own path that I know to be best for me and my children.

Florence

Man, what a charmer.

You might be crazy gestapo lady (hell, I might be crazy gestapo lady) but his behaviors are still unacceptable. You've been there, done that before, and you know how it works out now, every time.

You sound like you have a solid plan. Keep on trucking, crazy gestapo lady. Tie up your loose ends, have a good cry, and minimize contact with him. This was not okay, any way he slices it. I'm happy you know that in your bones today, where yesterday you might have helped him minimize the damage he's done to you and your relationships.

Many hugs.

HopefulinFLA

That's just nuts! Seriously, other than an alcoholic, who does that? I'm so glad you are seeing this for what it really is.

Btw, Crazy Gestapo Lady would be a great screen name. Ha!

EmmyG

I love Crazy Gestapo Lady, that really made me laugh.

I feel really good, I know it will all hit me once I am officially gone and moved out. Right now, I just feel relief whenever I'm not in the same room with him. I feel like he did me a favor yesterday because I was really teetering, and feeling sorry for him. His actions, and his reactions today, really just cement everything for me. My kids will be okay. As long as I get them out now. Last night, we were watching TV before bed, and this weird commercial came on where this lady is in a hospital bed because she's smoked for many years and now her son has to bathe her. She says something like, "My tip to you is to not smoke so that you can be independent." And my 6-year-old goes, "Seriously? THAT'S her tip?" and we both cracked up. He's so funny. I know we can have a good life and get through this together. I hope his dad gets better but I have no control over that.

HopefulinFLA

Emmy, I'm sure there will be some rough days to come once it all sinks in, but the reality is that life can only get better from here. Good for you!

Ofelie

I am so very thankful you are safe. Alive. That your kids are safe. I am sending this from my phone which is a pain but I wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you. Write it down, honey. Keep a journal of it all. Two days ago I read mine, from the last three months with him. I was wavering...almost wanting to reply to his email but instead read my journal. It put all of those behaviors right back in my face which my memory had kindly let fade. Write it all down, and when he calls or tries to worm back into your head pull it out and read it as a reminder. I spent hours crying over my journals contents afterwards....but it strengthened my resolve to be away from him. I didnt cry because i miss him and want him back. I cried because it was so horrible reading about things he did to me.
Now that you are out stay out. Don't go back. It only takes once to get dead and that just plain isn't funny no matter what he calls it. I have been in your shoes being choked, its terrifying. You deserve so much better. I would go no contact asap, give yourself time to clear your head.

EmmyG

Thank you, thank you. I realllly appreciate it. I know what you are saying. I've been in this place before, though never felt this resolved before. In the past, I just so badly didn't want it to be true, any of this, that I wanted to believe his promises so that everything could be okay. Thank goodness I basically have been keeping a journal - this board - for a long time now. I think no contact is very important. It's perfect timing for me because my codie side, worried about him being dead, can rest. His mother is there with him for the next six weeks. I have a therapy appointment this Thursday, I am going to spend the next six weeks no contact, helping me get to where I need to be.

LifeRecovery

EmmyG-

I am so glad that you had an experience that was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."

I am glad it was bad enough to scare you emotionally, and mentally and make the shift out, but not bad enough to physically damage you. As scary as it was I bet you can appreciate that it was a big wake up call and thus a blessing.

Either way I am glad it tilted the balance and you and the boys are safe.

theuncertainty

So glad you got out of the house, Emmy, and you and the kids are safe. DS and I watched Frozen this weekend, too. (DS's comments on the Prince: Mom, he's not as nice as he's saying... Perceptive kiddo.)

I remember AXH's eyes changing like you describe. It was terrifying, and each time, I was certain he wasn't going to stop. Please don't take on the humiliation as yours, because you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Wishing you continued strength.
Take care. ((((hugs))))

fedup3

Emmy, my ex did the same thing to me as well and slept on the floor by the bedroom door so I couldn't get out of the room and it wasn't until the next morning when he sobered up enough and realized what he had done that he let me out, ugh, they have PICKLED BRAINS! Just be safe, I made a police report and the police escorted me home to pack while they kept an eye on him. Please take someone with you when you go over there to pack or when you by him.

dandylion

EmmyG---I apologize if you have already addressed this---but, what about the police report? You may need this back-up, going forward. They won't arrest him just because you make a report. It would be good to have at least a first time consultation with a lawyer. You will feel more secure, knowing your rights.

dandylion

Wisconsin

Totally agree with Dandylion here, particularly if you are going to try and restrict your AH's time with the children and he fights you on it. A police report will go a LONG way, and I'm sure everybody here is sick of me beating the lawyer drum, but I'm going to beat it again. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Most will consult with you for an hour for free. You will come away having a better idea of the process and your rights, and I promise you will feel a lot better.

redatlanta

Ok, accordingly, he is in agreement that you should be moving along as he agrees you both just don't bring out the best in each other.

I'd remind him of that when (not if) he gives you grief over leaving.

Congrats on escaping alcatraz.