How has life changed in your house since the A left?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
For me, it's really simple; I'm more relaxed, centered and happy without the tension and drama that an active alcoholic carries around, and because of that my kids are happier and more secure. They receive more love from me and from my husband when he comes here. Kicking my husband out and sticking to my guns is hands down the best thing I've ever done for my kids, myself and my husband. Allowing him to stay here, allowing the status quo to continue, denying all four of us the optimal environments to thrive because my husband and I were afraid of change was such a mistake. I had kicked him out dozens of times before but always allowed him back, not allowing him back is what actually made the difference.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
1. No longer having to walk in and fear he'll be sitting in that EXACT same position on the couch. Still.
2. No longer having to compete with an iPad for attention.
3. No longer getting blamed for every little thing that has gone wrong...
4. No more dirty dishes that mysteriously showed up because, as well both know, HE never EATS, so he couldn't possibly have dirtied them.
5. No more empty promises about doing chores, fixing broken things, picking up after himself.
6. No more needy and neglected pushy dog barking at me to be let out, be fed, let in, be petted, be played with, shedding all over everything.
7. No more "Can we stop at the store?" on the way home from anywhere so he can get alcohol.
8. No more lonely nights in an empty house waiting for him to come home wasted, crash into things, talk nonsense.
9. No more impromptu plans that most likely will involve him drinking with his buddies and NOT involve me.
10. No more cringing every time I hear his cell phone go off because I know it means one of his buddies is calling to get him to go out.
11. No more liquor smell coming out of his pores.
12. No more washing the sheets every other day due to night sweats.
13. No more belittling and being called a "Fun Sucker" because I don't want to go to the bar.
14. No more flinching at the sound of any car that comes down the road until he gets home, wondering if it will be the cops.
The positives -
I sleep soundly
My hair has stopped falling out
My weight has stabilized
My dog is happier and plays more
My house is SO much cleaner, quieter and full of GOOD smells!
2. No longer having to compete with an iPad for attention.
3. No longer getting blamed for every little thing that has gone wrong...
4. No more dirty dishes that mysteriously showed up because, as well both know, HE never EATS, so he couldn't possibly have dirtied them.
5. No more empty promises about doing chores, fixing broken things, picking up after himself.
6. No more needy and neglected pushy dog barking at me to be let out, be fed, let in, be petted, be played with, shedding all over everything.
7. No more "Can we stop at the store?" on the way home from anywhere so he can get alcohol.
8. No more lonely nights in an empty house waiting for him to come home wasted, crash into things, talk nonsense.
9. No more impromptu plans that most likely will involve him drinking with his buddies and NOT involve me.
10. No more cringing every time I hear his cell phone go off because I know it means one of his buddies is calling to get him to go out.
11. No more liquor smell coming out of his pores.
12. No more washing the sheets every other day due to night sweats.
13. No more belittling and being called a "Fun Sucker" because I don't want to go to the bar.
14. No more flinching at the sound of any car that comes down the road until he gets home, wondering if it will be the cops.
The positives -
I sleep soundly
My hair has stopped falling out
My weight has stabilized
My dog is happier and plays more
My house is SO much cleaner, quieter and full of GOOD smells!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Immediately after leaving, I felt free. I felt in control of my own life again.
But it took a few years, working a program, going to therapy, and moving away to get rid of the fear.
What is changed? Everything. Everything is better.
Some of it was an immediate change. Some of it happened gradually. Some of it is still a work in progress.
But here's a difference: My husband showed me an e-mail I sent him while I was married to AXH (new husband and I are old friends). I sounded like I was 90. I had no dreams, plans, excitement, future ideas. I told him I was going to divorce AXH and move to Florida when I retired. I was in my early 40s.
I truly feel like I have a new lease on life. I moved, dove into a new career path, found new hobbies, new friends, and I have plans and dreams.
But it took a few years, working a program, going to therapy, and moving away to get rid of the fear.
What is changed? Everything. Everything is better.
Some of it was an immediate change. Some of it happened gradually. Some of it is still a work in progress.
But here's a difference: My husband showed me an e-mail I sent him while I was married to AXH (new husband and I are old friends). I sounded like I was 90. I had no dreams, plans, excitement, future ideas. I told him I was going to divorce AXH and move to Florida when I retired. I was in my early 40s.
I truly feel like I have a new lease on life. I moved, dove into a new career path, found new hobbies, new friends, and I have plans and dreams.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Well, we didn't live together, but were attached at the hip so it was virtually living together save a day or two a week. I know that's not the same, but from my vantage point....
How has may life changed...
I'll start with the good first.
-I can listen to music again (as a musician, you know there's a problem when music sounds like glass breaking)
-I have this odd sense of hope and a vision that I can do anything - grad school, start a band, who knows
-I EAT!!!!!!
-I am rocking it at work
-I've been able to get to the gym again here and there
-That special brand of anxiety that comes from not knowing what to expect from day to day isn't with me 24/7
-The depression that comes from dashed hopes about a nice outing, taking her somewhere nice, doing something nice together - that is gone, and I don't miss it
-I don't worry about her hitting me since she isn't in my presence drinking
-I don't worry nonstop about her drinking and driving to me
-I've realized I was chief custodian of the relationship and the upkeep was destroying me in every way, while the alcohol was destroying her
-There are no more additions to the list of restaurants that tell me 'you can't come back here'
-I still believe in love
The not so good, but also not forever:
-Since I'm mildly, sometimes more than mildly, afraid for my life, I've become professional at finding hotel deals lol
-I don't have time right now to mourn her; i'm in survival mode
-I have spent a total of 2 weekends at my place in 2014
-I always have a packed bag in my car (though I had the same thing going the last few months when I'd stay with her, because I never knew if I'd have to leave that night)
-I miss her, but don't miss 'it'
How has may life changed...
I'll start with the good first.
-I can listen to music again (as a musician, you know there's a problem when music sounds like glass breaking)
-I have this odd sense of hope and a vision that I can do anything - grad school, start a band, who knows
-I EAT!!!!!!
-I am rocking it at work
-I've been able to get to the gym again here and there
-That special brand of anxiety that comes from not knowing what to expect from day to day isn't with me 24/7
-The depression that comes from dashed hopes about a nice outing, taking her somewhere nice, doing something nice together - that is gone, and I don't miss it
-I don't worry about her hitting me since she isn't in my presence drinking
-I don't worry nonstop about her drinking and driving to me
-I've realized I was chief custodian of the relationship and the upkeep was destroying me in every way, while the alcohol was destroying her
-There are no more additions to the list of restaurants that tell me 'you can't come back here'
-I still believe in love
The not so good, but also not forever:
-Since I'm mildly, sometimes more than mildly, afraid for my life, I've become professional at finding hotel deals lol
-I don't have time right now to mourn her; i'm in survival mode
-I have spent a total of 2 weekends at my place in 2014
-I always have a packed bag in my car (though I had the same thing going the last few months when I'd stay with her, because I never knew if I'd have to leave that night)
-I miss her, but don't miss 'it'
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