AllThings

I'm trying to stay positive these days and have been reflecting on how MY life has changed since my AH moved out.

1. I don't worry about coming home to a mean drunk. I can stay at work as late as I need to and know that everything will be fine when I get home.

2. Friends call and sometimes even stop by. He never wanted people to stop by, he hated that. My friends knew it and never came over. I had a friend from work over till 11:30 last night - she just popped in around 8:30. It was awesome, we had a great time.

3. Kids have friends over. Kids go places. He never wanted their friends over, they were either too loud or it was too inconvenient. He never wanted me to give them even $10 to go somewhere with a friend. Last night my daughter went roller skating, said she had a blast.

4. Unmade bed, a dirty dish, and a pair of socks on the floor doesn't start WWIII. Kids help when asked, I clean up when I want to... It's that simple. No arguing, no blaming.

5. Peace - lots of peace.

Seren

The most recent alcoholic to move out would be my stepson. Let's see...

We don't have to hide our valuables.
We don't have empty containers in the fridge or cabinets because he ate/drank the last of something and then put the empty container back.
We don't have to change our locks anymore.
We don't have to Febreeze everything in the house because his B.O. was through the roof.
We don't live in fear anymore.

JustAGirl1971

I started to write a huge list of ways our home and lives have improved but decided to add just this one thing:

The atmosphere in our home is more relaxed, lighter, and more peaceful.

dandylion

I really relate to Seren!

Especially....no more hiding valuables. I can leave a 5-dollar bill lying on the desk, and it will gather dust.

When there is a knock at the door--I don't look out the window to see if there is a police car out front.

Aaah--SWEET FREEDOM.

dandylion

Praying

Peace.
Peace.
Peace.
No yelling.
No fear of random tirades over things that were okay yesterday.
Open door, friendly environment, with people comfortable coming here all the time.
Ability to leave it a mess if I'm enjoying an event or am just tired.
Peace.

It was a little unnerving for me because when my X first moved out to "work on himself" I was still trying to make it work and "wanted" him to stay...and immediately the kids and I noticed a peace, a cloud lift, a desire to be alive in the world again. It was the best gift my X ever gave me, though I didn't know it at the time. Helped lead me back to sanity.

worriedmind

I don't come home to an ABF passed out with wet pants on the couch.

I don't get insulted.

My dad makes coffee every morning, and there's always good food to eat. Even today. He doesn't work weekends, but the coffee was ready at 5:45 when I stumbled out of bed.

There's no pee on the floor.

Food isn't left on the stove.

I'm not as anxious, or depressed.

I'm hopeful.

I feel safe.

I feel better overall.

Chelsea1029

More peaceful, relaxed home
No walking on eggshells wondering about the mood of the moment
My kids and I are out of our rooms more
Anxiety is better
Kids getting along better
No yelling at their father to stop aggravating/nagging them
Kids friends over a lot more - before I was worried too stressed and worried about arguing
House is cleaner

ladyscribbler

All of the above.
Peace. No more dirty, smelly, mean, argumentative, self-destructive, non-housebroken, wasteful, angry, rude, abusive, money-blowing alcoholic to worry about.

Spinner-007

I think EVERY person living with an A should read this.

EVERYTHING you described is exactly whats it like in my house(except pee on the floor, wet pants, etc.).

But the lack of peace, the mind crap, the emotional roller coaster BS, the attitude. With each discription, I'm like 'wow, you have THAT now???!!! '.

With that kind of peace, there's no telling how high(non-drug induced, mind you!) I'd be.

My kids and how'd they handle it would be a different story...

AllThings

I painted today. AH said paint was a waste of money so we never painted after he moved in. Today half of my bedroom went from nasty sea foam green to a deep chocolate brown. I love it! I also love that I did it an AH always said no... Lol

izzyrose05

Well we never lived together but here is my list of how my life has improved.

1) No longer waiting and hoping for attention while he is busy drinking

2) No longer fearful to feel my feelings or speak my thoughts because I am afraid of upsetting him

3) No longer wondering when his mood will change in an instant and he will start calling me horrible names.

4) Putting a large majority of the energy I gave to him back into myself. I practice yoga almost every single day now.

5) Spend time with my girlfriends laughing

6) I'm reading three different books

7) Having fun with my kids instead of being worried about what he wanted and needed from me.

8) I no longer have to keep the books for his damn business. YAYYY.

9) There is a calm and peacefulness to my life that I didn't have with him.

10) He can't hurt me anymore

Thank you for starting this post. I sometimes get lost in the few good memories and forget the bad ones. Now I am reminded of why life is better without him!! Thank you. Thank you Thank you

ladyscribbler

You wasted money improving your living space? How dare you! That could have been used for alcohol!

Yeah. That's another thing. No more hearing about how things like new clothes, curtains, paint and dental insurance are a waste of money while he's spending $300+ a month on booze.
Enjoy your gorgeous new look!

Yurt

I have to say, that this thread, as well as the thread that involves Post A relationships, really gives me something to think about. A strategy that I have heard of involves visualizing what your life might be like after making a change that you really want, and many specific hopes for my life are listed here.
Thank you!

AllThings

This made me chuckle. He always had such a double standard. When he was sober, he was miserly - not spending a dime that didn't have to be spent. Buy the cheapest ground beef, get canned veggies cause they're cheaper, switch from soda to ice tea or lemonade - again - cheaper.

But, when HE wanted to drink, thousands of dollars were spent on hotels and booze so he could hole up somewhere and drink. Not a cheap hotel either, NICE hotels. Of course, we never went anywhere as a family because he didn't want to spend the money on hotels...

Pia

Wow all the above.

I love going out with friends and able to focus on the conversations.

My cellphone isn't superglued to my hand anymore. I leave it in the living room to charge and get a good night sleep not caring if I missed a call.

The lonely girl inside of me isn't screaming anymore for attention and affection.

My heart , soul and mind are at peace.

Calmness and Love surrounds me.

I learned I don't have to fix everything at this very second. I can live with unresolved problems. and when im ready to tackle the problem I will know it's time.

No more apologizing!!

What a great post.

suncatcher

1. Not having to drive him all over then throw away his empty beer cans he left in my car.
2. Not having to scrub pee out of my carpet from when he woke up too drunk to find the toilet in the middle of the night.
3. Not having to find spoiled lunch meat he put he the oven instead of the fridge on his drunken midnight food raid.
4. No feeling anxious about where he is or what he is doing or not doing.
5. I feel less lonely being by myself than when I was in the same room with him.
6. I don't have to listen to him insult me, or put up with him treating me like crap anymore.
7. I am happier and more content with myself and my life and enjoy surrounding myself with positive people.

allysen

More money available, despite only having one income.
House is quiet all night and we all sleep better.
Items don't go missing.
No arguing.
I do feel lonely at times.
Electricity bills are waaaay less.
Spending more time out with the kids, instead of home.

Chelsea1029

I forgot - I feel like a better parent because I'm not as stressed, I'm not as short tempered. I think being happier really does impact our environment.
We have more fun
I don't feel as lonely as I did when he was here

HSSH

1. Sink isn't full of dishes that have started growing mold.
2. Oven doesn't have pans from days ago still sitting on top with food remnants.
3. No expired food in the fridge from meals he promised he would cook it we bought ingredients for.
4. No pile of unwashed laundry tucked beside/under his side of the bed stinking up the bedroom.
5. Car doesn't mysteriously have an empty tank whenever I get in it.
6. Trash isn't overflowing every day because he wouldn't take it out.
7. Don't worry anymore about his leaving medications or other foods down where the puppies can get into it and have health issues/die.
8. No longer worrying that another of our dogs will die while I travel for work and he neglects to feed them (hypoglycemic puppy)
9. No longer stressed about whether a pay check will hit the account when told it would.
10. No longer surprised to overhear conversations with his AFIL about how wonderful everything is after he just lost another job or stopped going to school (perils of an open floor plan).
11. No longer worry that the car won't be there when I need it or that I'll spend an hour calling and texting without response as to when it will be returned.
12. No longer having to hear if I would just be more accepting that he would make more progress.
13. No more wasted hours every day where he would argue that a crumb was the same as consistently behaving in a mature fashion re: finances, emotional sharing, responsibilities within the home, family planning.
14. No more feeling lonely while in the same room as him.
15. No more cold showers because he would ask when I was getting up then get up 15 minutes early and use all the hot water even though he may not have anywhere to go that day.
16. No more randomly placed pieces of junk all over the house where he placed them in the middle of other "tasks".
17. Free time to read, learn guitar, work out, call friends, do home improvements without his interrupting to pick a fight then sulk in the room staring at me for 30-45 minutes when I stopped responding.
18. No more pain from reading lies in emails to his bosses, teachers, and family about how manipulative or abusive I'm being.
19. No more worrying that we won't be able to start a family this year or next (I'm 35) because he won't get sober and he would make a terrible father.
20. No longer have to deal with abusive AFIL and deciding whether or not to attend family events where I'll be a target for him while my STBXAH watches and makes excuses for him.

To sum, life is so very much better. Thanks for the post. This was a much needed reflection today.

Auclaire

I have nothing but thanks for this thread. I needed to read it tonight.