LightInside

Hammer, you made my day when I read this. He actually is a very hard worker, no pun intended.
I was always getting criticized for my lack of energy. Never actually called lazy, but enough criticism of what I DIDN'T do, that I think he sees me as lazy.
For you to point out a way that he is lazy is, well, priceless. Thank you.

And if you like punk music there's the song, "Too Drunk to F...," by The Dead Kennedys." Too appropriate for this topic.

Mags1

My husband says I'm not sexual, I ve drank for all our marriage but got considerably worse the last couple of years.

I wanted sex but he didn't with a drunk, unless he was drunk too! Understandable.

I'm sober and he still doesn't want me, blamed the booze for years but he prefers porn sites. It tears me up inside but he told me to stop trying with us so I have, where it will end, I don't know,

I'm concentrating on my recovery and sobriety, my mind is all over the place, some days good some days ready to jack it all in.

So, as much as I yearn closeness and intimacy I can't make him, hopefully it will happen naturally, but every time I realise he's been on porn sites, a bit of me dies inside. We get on in most other things we just don't talk about us.

LightInside

I'm sorry, Mags. I felt very torn up by knowing that my X started to prefer porn and his online emotional affair over me. It certainly hurts. My reaction was feeling like I am not good enough (for him or for anyone). That's not really true though. I wish you all the best.

Godismyrock

Hugs Mags

Wisconsin

Oh, I could go on for DAYS about this topic. It has been a huge nightmare in my own marriage, and I have gotten the almost mandatory "it's not me, it's YOU" insults from my AH as he deflected my concerns on this issue. I have been told I am unattractive and "unhealthy" (I am exactly the same size and health profile that I was when we were dating, when we got married, etc.). I have been called terrible names. I have been called a sl*t because I dared to express that I wanted/needed more sexual intimacy. And yes...someone like me with some pretty heavy pre-existing self-esteem issues took these criticisms and this abuse personally for a LONG time.

But for me, one of the ironies of the escalation of my AH's disease and the corresponding escalation of how totally batsh*t insane he can be is that the more batsh*t crazy his comments are, the easier it is for me to acknowledge to myself that it's really not about me at all. The worse and crazier the insults, the easier it has become for me to detach and not take it personally.

It still doesn't change the fact that I have zero sex life, but it does allow me to say "you have no sex life, Wisconsin, because you are (for now) choosing to stay with someone who is unable/unwilling have a sex life with you, and you are not willing to go outside of your marriage for sex." I can focus on my own part in the situation, and not feel beaten down by my AH's "rejection" (which really isn't about rejecting ME at all).

Mags1

Nice one, Wisconsin, what a great attitude you have xx

itsmylifenow

My xabf seemed to have the desire but he could never finish himself off. Apparently, it wasn't only with me, because he dated someone I knew and having to know all the answers I asked her if he was that way with her as well. And, the answer was yes.

Whether it's the alcohol or some other deep seated issue, either way, the sex wasn't there like it should have been either.

I especially loved the nights he'd been drinking and I'd be feeling all romantic, only to have him pass out on me.

Good times.

itsmylifenow

my xxAbf once said to me, when I also brought up sexual issues, that I was an oversexed, horny stay at home mom who had nothing better to do.

I remember thinking - how is it that a woman wanting sex with you is a bad thing?

But, then I remembered who I was talking to.

Flavia2

Same situation for me. My AH has (maybe) stopped drinking -it's difficult to tell, difficult to trust, difficult to dig around and try to find my gut instinct. But still, I found out about a strip club visit when he has no interest in sex with me, his wife, an actual real person. I'm sure there's still porn too. I've stopped investigating. Does it ever get better if the A stops drinking?

littlebird73

Porn is a major issue in our marriage. I've been reading about studies that say the more hours spent watching porn the less satisfied one becomes with real-life sex. My husband has had emotional & purely sexual cyber affairs. I understand that no matter what, given reality & fantasy, the fantasy will always win. My AH would tell me part of the reason he got involved in cyber affairs was because he needs more & more "realistic" images to get off. So..the irony is that "realistic" trumps reality. I'm trying to understand that this says more about my AH's intimacy issues than about me. For a long time he blamed me, but that has changed. Unfortunately it took almost losing me for him to realize it wasn't about me. There have been very active times in our marriage & dry spells. The dry spells were most often when he was drinking a ton & often passing out early (sometimes actually while we were doing stuff together) or drinking a ton while secluding himself in some other room with his computer (often with his porn). Sometimes it was me because I just couldn't get into it with him smelling that strong of booze & slurring, etc. Sometimes when the sex was very active I still felt so sad because there was little affection, no kissing, hugging, touching throughout the day.. It is weird for me because now I am married to an alcoholic man who is pretty hyper-sexual. He would be happy having sex every day. Just even when we were he was still going on the side, because again, the fantasy is ALWAYS going to win over reality & reality never satisfied him. Hard not to take that personally. Many years ago when I was really young I was married to another man. He was a dry addict, very abusive sociopathic sort, and after we married he would not even kiss me. Our marriage was unconsummated. No one would have believed me if I had told them. He was older. I was young, attractive. He told me all sorts of reasons why it was my fault. After I left I found out he had personal ads up while we were married looking for LTR or marriage and he proceeded to tell everyone I was a sl** etc because I had the audacity to want affection & sex & was selfish to not be happy with a sexless marriage. I wonder if addiction just really messes with the brain when it comes to bonding & true intimacy & then also has physical affects regarding drive? I am so confused on this issue, but glad to know I am not the only one.

LightInside

Wow! Confused is the right word for me too. I'm still working on not taking that personally. I'm working on not taking being left personally too.

"My AH would tell me part of the reason he got involved in cyber affairs was because he needs more & more "realistic" images to get off." QUACK!

Hammer

geeezzzz.

This thread.

j u s t making into and through the 4th Step Resentment stuff, and the sponsor says . . . oh btw, Sex is next.

F. Me.

Doing the numbers. 20 guys in the group, says that 3 or so should have had some abuse stuff. Last time I did that type of numbering, there were 6 guys in a group, so I sat there trying to figure it out . . . and it was me.

Looking back at this thread . . . how did we get in this sh1t?

Booo

When I discovered by RAH's affair, that blew the lid off the whole sucker. We had almost NO sex life for 9 years. Always affection, touching, etc, but when it came to sex? If i caught a wiff of alcohol I refused. Unless he was drinking, he refused. Sad because we were OH SO VERY VERY GOOD at it.

Now that he's not drinking (and the affair plays into all of this--the discovery and my reaction was HIS hitting bottom, he quit then and there) we are just about back to where we were when we were dating.

We are pretty sexed up, but I think that has to do with 'hysterical bonding" which comes, for many couples after the discovery of an affair. Google it, it's crazy (thus the hysterical, i suppose). I know things have to calm down again at some point, and I do not look forward to that day.

One thing he has told me---his alcohol use fueled his porn desires. On line sex is much easier than "real life" sex with it's intamacy and all that to deal with. He, when he was drinking was very VERY involved in a secret life for the last year, which he got a charge out of and eventually led to a two night affair---REAL life. Even writing about it is depressing.
All that leads me to this--This is not about you. You did not bring this on. There is nothing wrong with you. He drank and the drink became the most important thing and I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through. I had no idea we had all been through such similar situations.

Mags1

Gosh, my husband says when I say things, why is it all about you, the world doesn't revolve around you. I just want a happy marriage, with closeness and love.

I didn't think I asked for a lot, but I don't know if we can move on, not sure if he will come round. Yes, I was a drunk but I realise this gave him licence to do what he pleased, mainly cyber sex, porn etc. he says I don't really want sex that I'm not sexual and I just think I want it!

So, I don't attempt to get close or intimate. What's going to happen next, I don't know, but I prefer to stay than go at this time.

Mags1

P.s. I went on a site which I found an app for on his phone and it's for married people who want sex with other people in your area. I'm gobsmacked, why can't people be honest, I don't think I'm prude.

I don't think he has followed up as he never goes anywhere but his phone never leaves his side, I hate it.

Mags1

Sorry rant over, I don't know what came over me, is it true, am I 'all about me' .

milky

Sorry ladies but i giggle inside every time a guy named "hammer" posts in this thread.

BTW I know this is a serious situation. When I quit drinking I quit looking at porn. I'm not going to lie and say I haven't relapsed. I have twice in 1.5 years. Abusing porn is very destructive. I am much happier not looking at it. A site called "your brain on porn" opened my eyes to how looking at it was taking my manhood away from me.

This issue goes both ways though. I have and alcoholic wife who doesn't want sex. So here i am working out, eating right, in the best shape of my life, not drinking, and not looking at porn and I can't get a little something something. Lol I must admit the no sex life thing is putting a lot of pressure on the "don't look at porn thing". I am also easy on the eyes, well at least for a 37 year old man lol, and I get hit on from time to time. This no sex life is putting stress on my resolve towards that too.

honeypig

One of my A's complaints over the past couple of years was that we never had sex, that we "lived like roommates." Well, this was true. I felt bad about it to an extent, but neither of us was initiating anything, so I didn't feel I needed to take all the blame myself.

I was not initiating b/c I had felt so little closeness to him for so long, sex simply wasn't attractive to me (his drinking was hidden during all but the last few months of that time).

He was not initiating, I believe, b/c at any of the times where we might have had sex, he was A) drunk enough to be incapable, B) not interested b/c of the effort involved in "real" sex as one of the posters above pointed out, or C) simply had no desire b/c he had taken care of this on his own via the internet or whatever.

Not quite a year ago, when I was aware of the alcoholism but he had not sought any kind of real recovery yet, he had a doctor appointment coming up. He asked me "so what do you tell the doctor when she asks if you have sex?" I said that I told her no, since that's the case. He said "well, I'm going to tell her YES, b/c I DO have sex, just not w/another person!" He said this in a real defiant manner, almost as if he wanted to hurt me w/this information. Truly, at that point in our relationship, I simply did not care and just answered w/something like "well, do what you think is best."

So far as I know, he has been sober since July, and the topic has not come up again. I'm fine w/that for now, since it's such early days for both of us (I should add that I'm 53 and he's 59--things might be different if we were in our 20s!) As I start to see a man I could desire emerging from the shell I've been living with for so many years, I can see how our sex life could come back. However, it's only flashes of the man that I see, not a consistent picture yet, and since emotional intimacy is extremely important to me in order to have an interest in physical intimacy, I much prefer to go very very slowly here. I'm not ready to open up that much yet, to risk that much.

Don't have any idea how this will turn out, but as I've learned here at SR, I need to just do the work on my side of the street and trust that I'll know the right thing to do when it's time to do it.

Booo

Mags1---of course you're not a prude. Someone looking outside of the marraige is someone with ISSUES. He can do MANY things other than what he is doing. He can talk to you for one, but if he's still drinking, he is NOT in his right mind and "everything" will be your fault. It's NOT your fault. Right now his behaviour is all about HIM. I'm sorry I have not checked your story, has he admitted to affairs, cybersex, whatever?

LightInside

More support for Mags1. It is my belief that sex is part of marriage, that both should enjoy it, and that withholding is abuse [PLEASE DO NOT TAKE WHAT I'M SAYING TO BE A CONDONING OF RAPE. That is not the same thing].

"he says I don't really want sex that I'm not sexual and I just think I want it!"

Is he saying that about you or himself? 'cause telling someone what they want and don't want is pretty manipulative, if you ask me.

Your story is very interesting to me, because it seems like he displays a lot of the behaviors we codies complain about here on SR. And you seem to question yourself the way we do. That is just my observation/perception. I could be wrong about that.