Finding it hard to forgive XABF

Old 03-16-2014, 07:23 PM
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Finding it hard to forgive XABF


I'm finding it very hard to forgive my XABF for the pain he has caused me. I guess it's because he continues to try to push my buttons at least once a week. I'm not gonna lie I have my moments when I let him get to me. But most of the time, I'll let him know I'm done with the conversation.

I guess my forgiveness in him will come in time.
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:26 PM
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How does he push your buttons? I feel that I may be in a similar situation. Is he still drinking?
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:44 PM
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Hi Sickpuppy,

He blames me for everything. Accuses me of of being a bad mom to our son. Tells me I'm unreasonable and difficult for not always letting him have his way.

He says he hasn't drank but my friends recently seen him with a beer in his hand and drinking.
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Old 03-16-2014, 07:59 PM
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For what its worth:

"Lingering resentments are like acid eating away at us."--How Al-Anon Works

You may have held your anger toward your XABF for days or months, maybe years. I held resentments toward my abusive parents for decades. I'm grateful that I eventually "got it." My resentments, that I'd spent so much energy pushing down, holding onto, & avoiding, were only hurting me. I made a decision to forgive my dad after 30 years and it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. The other quote I like:

"Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves."

Forgiveness doesn't benefit anyone other than me, and the person we're forgiving doesn't get anything out of it (they often don't even realize that I'm holding a grudge).

How did I get that realization? It's not simple, there's lots to learn, it takes time, patience, and you have to learn to love yourself. I "got it," eventually, because I have a program.
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Old 03-16-2014, 08:02 PM
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honey, if he is truly your X, I can only suggest to stop conversing with him. No texts, no emails, no phone calls.

My personal experience, no good will come from it.

He can only push your buttons if you allow it.

This is no longer about him, take some time and figure out YOU.

Hang in there, you won't always feel this way.
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Old 03-16-2014, 08:08 PM
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I understand you have contact with him because you have a child together so you likely want to have things be as positive as possible. I like the tips mattmathews gave. I also like a phrase I heard in Al-Anon, 'the antidote to resentment is gratitude.' Things will get easier over time as you learn new ways communicate with your ex that don't end up with hard feelings.
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Old 03-16-2014, 08:36 PM
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I thought I struggled most with forgiving separated AH...but the truth was, I had the hardest time forgiving myself...
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