53500

Hi all, I am new here and have been told it's a great place. Hoping to get some clarity about my situation.

I have a good friend (B) who has an alcoholic gf. They live together although B is trying to move out. The woman drinks daily, has a police record, multiple DUIs, jail time, and when she's drunk she's violent, trashes things, hallucinates, etc. She recently fell, got a concussion and bleeding in her brain. The hospital told her if she drinks she'll have a stroke. After 3 days she left the hospital and has been drinking steadily. I say these things just to give some background about B's situation.

They've been together, off and on, almost two years. Most of the time has been bad although they were "in love" for a time. She managed 4 months of sobriety since he knows her.

I've tried to be supportive to him although I always wanted him out of the relationship and we've had some bad arguments about it. But now he wants out. He needs to find another place to live but it's hard financially and will take some work and effort on his part, obviously.

My SO and I have a big house and plenty of room. B wants to stay with us. He sometimes sleeps in his car to escape his gf's rages. I feel sorry for him but also think, he got himself into this mess and he'll have to get himself out.

It's like he is addicted to this woman, this very destructive force but he can't seem to break away. My question to this community is: Is that analogy right? If I let B stay with me, am I enabling him, even though he is not the alcoholic? I go back and forth about this in my mind, wavering between feeling sorry for him and having the uneasy feeling it would be a mistake to let him live with me.


Thanks for reading!

MissFixit

With the little you wrote, I see nothing wrong with lending a room to friend (on a temporary basis) who is trying to leave an abusive relationship and has no money. If he has a job and can move forward with saving money to get a place of his own in a few months, and you have the space, I think you are just being a friend.

hopeful4

I guess my thought would be if you do lend him a place, be very specific. We are letting you stay w/us until X day. You will be expected to contribute in these ways, groceries, cleaning, etc. Be very detailed.

I have a tenant of a property we own who is in a situation sort of like this. Her husband's brother had some extreme things happen in his life and they are letting him stay there, "for a couple of weeks." Well, now it has been about a year, he does not help around the house, he eats their groceries and drinks her little girls juice boxes. While these things seem minor, for her they are huge and I totally get that.

So..that would be my advise. You could also see if there are any programs in your area that could help him (there are here) and if so point him in that direction.

Good Luck!

lillamy

Very good question!!!

When I left AXH, I urgently needed a place to stay. The friends I thought I could rely on all turned me away -- probably partly because they knew AXH and knew that by putting me and the kids up, they might put themselves in danger. We ended up staying with a coworker for a couple of weeks while I lined up an apartment.

Back when I was in college, I opened my home to a friend who was in an abusive relationship, and her two kids. They stayed with me for two weeks and I've never regretted doing that, because she urgently needed that in order to get away.

I think if you choose to let him stay with you, you have to do so being aware that his GF with the criminal record might target you. Whether that's something you can live with or not is something only you can answer. I know that while I was sad and desperate, I totally understood why my friend who had kids didn't want to put a target on her house by having me stay there.

The other thing is, if you do let him stay with you, I would have a very serious sit-down with him and tell him that this is an emergency solution and that it is temporary. That if he has not lined up an apartment in two weeks, he will have to find another arrangement. And then stick to it.

I will always be grateful to the coworker who gave us a place to stay. But I will also say that the feeling of being able to make it on my own was a confidence booster that I would not want to rob anyone of by letting them stay with me indefinitely, or for a long time. Once you leave, you have this adrenaline-powered energy, and that's a good time to apartment hunt and close bank account and get set up for your new life. Give it a couple of months and you start thinking and feeling again and can very easily get apathetic.

Another thing to consider is that your friend is a man. A woman may have the option of a women's shelter (although without kids, that might be difficult for a woman too) but a man very rarely has that option.

I can't tell you whether I would do it or not. For me, it would depend on the risk I perceived from helping him. For my family. Back when I had my friend and her kids staying with me, I didn't have kids and I was pretty sure I wasn't in any danger (her abusive boyfriend was afraid of me because I volunteered in a DV shelter). Now? I probably wouldn't put my kids at risk.

dandylion

53500---you know your friend better than we do. I'm curious...what information do you have about him that makes you feel that it might be a "mistake". Is he irresponsible, or something like that???

dandylion

atalose

I think you are battling your heart vs mind (logic) and that is why you are feeling uneasy.


What is going to be any different this time for him while they are off again? Does he have any plans for counseling? anything other then living some place else?

Yes he will, but how? What concrete plans other than words does he have to move away from and more importantly STAY away from this toxic person? Most often people need more then just a change of address.

History doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history.

Are you fully prepared for this GF of his to come to your home drunk, raging, trashing things and causing chaos and drama? Because if he is there – good bet she will be to.

If he's not talking about getting himself some help to once and for all break away, then maybe all he's looking for is another break from her until he re-energizes to go back.

If you do allow him to stay with you I would put something in writing so it’s clear to both of you time limit, any money involved………….often the things we don’t normally do with friends BUT when we don’t they get us into trouble.

His history with her is not going to just go away, they have developed a relationship pattern and only a lot of time apart can change that. Yes he says he wants out but he’s "said that done that before".

I'd listen to that un-easy feeling you have, our instincts never streer us wrong.

doggonecarl

Never ignore the gut feelings that foretell doom.

I understand the desire to help a friend. If you assist in him getting away from his AGF, great. Great for him and great for you for helping.

What if you let him stay with you and he goes back to her? Will you have resentment? Will you let him stay the next time he says he's leaving...

Sounds like there is a potential for his craziness to roost in your house. Be careful.

CodeJob

53500, You sound like a wise and considering friend.

He is addicted to his AGF. I would imagine you two have talked about this relationship and argued even over it. He will say the right things to you and then get sucked back in.

So talk to him where he can talk openly. Is he ready to leave AND go NO CONTACT? If he is, then ask him what can you do to help him. I think it is important to give him the dignity to plan. He might not be ready yet.

If he is ready for no contact, systematically help him block her out of his life and have his stuff pulled out of his place without him being there. Help him untangle the financial ties of this 4 year relationship. At no time does any of this excuse him from staying NO CONTACT. If he ever needs to contact her - YOU do it on his behalf - with a new email just for AGF. No reason to have her targeting you and this is why I am hesitant on the housing help. Print out the AlAnon meetings schedule in your area and offer him to walk him in. Watch some basketball with him and help him get his mind off AGF. Make sure he gets an appointment with a therapist who deals in addiction relationships or codependency (Does he have a work EAP?). He needs an outlet to get over this relationship and work on himself. Oh and send him to SR too!

Your note really restored my faith in humanity today. Kind thanks!

53500

Hi, thanks to all who replied and I'll absolutely get back to you in detail later but just to add a bit more info - B does work, he does not earn a lot but he isn't destitute or anything like that. With what he can afford (or says he wants to pay) for rent he's probably limited to a roommate situation or getting a room in a house.

He doesn't like this. He wants privacy. I showed him an ad for what sounded like a very nice room with kitchen and laundry privileges but he wants a separate entrance and also said he'd be "bored" in that location!

He has a friend who offered to share his apt. The friend has a separate room. B would have to pay rent but he could afford it there. He doesn't like this option either because he does not like the area in which his friend lives.

I've offered to give him the money for a security deposit and not ask for it back until he gets it back from the landlord.

So he does have other options but they are less comfortable/convenient than my house. That is part of my conflict.

Will get back after work, thanks to everyone who answered!

lillamy

With this additional information, I would say DON'T DO IT.

When you're starving, you don't refuse to eat a hot dog because it has mustard on it when you wanted ketchup.

He's playing you for sympathy and I think your first instinct was dead on -- he needs to get himself out of this mess.

Just my opinion.

53500

Yes, I would resent that and he's gone back and forth so many times I've lost count. And yeah, the potential for the craziness she lives would come to my house and that's not acceptable. My SO would not stand for that for one second.

dandylion

53500---I'm with Illiamy---with this new information---Seems like a no-brainer, to me----

Don't do it. You will regret it.

dandylion

Florence

Nope. If he wanted to leave, any of these situations are a completely viable way out. It sounds like he wants to vent, NOT to leave.

deeker

I have only read your first post but if you are a female I would think this over carefully. You could be opening up a whole new can of worms by letting someone else"s boyfriend move in with you and if she is violent when she drinks rut roh!

Coffeebreath

he wants a separate entrance and also said he'd be "bored" in that location!

He doesn't like this option either because he does not like the area in which his friend lives.

He sounds too picky and not desperate enough and I agree with the hot dog analogy

53500

Wow, thanks so much! You've all given me a lot of food for thought and peace about not letting B move in with me.

MissFixit - I didn't give quite enough info in my first post. He isn't dead broke and I'd lend him money if he asked. He can't afford what he wants.

hopeful4 - the possibility of it being hard to get rid of him, or of having to do it in an ugly way crossed my mind. He's not at the point where he thinks he needs a program. I've suggested AlAnon. He's not interested.

lillamy, I really appreciate your perspective, having been on both sides of this issue. I'm so glad to hear the confidence you got from making it on your own has stayed with you and that you don't hold it against the friends who turned you down. I don't have kids at home anymore. If I did I would not dream of letting B stay with me. I like your hot dog analogy. Yes, he looks for sympathy and I sincerely do feel sorry for him.

But he did get himself into this mess and could get out - at least to another place to live, even if it's not ideal - if he made the effort.

dandylion - why do I have the gut feeling it would be a mistake? Because even though I KNOW he would swear up and down that AGF would never set foot anywhere near my house, I could not believe it. Not 100%.

atalose - I didn't even think of those points, that he should have more of a plan for getting free of AGF than just moving. No, he has no plan. No, I am not prepared for her to show up at my house and I don't trust him to keep her away. SO and I work long hours and different hours than he does. I can't and don't want to monitor him.

CodeJob - thanks for bringing up the point of NO CONTACT. There is no way I could monitor this and I'm positive he'd have contact with her. As far as seeking therapy for himself - he does not think of himself as having a problem, he thinks it's all her.

Florence - you are right, he does want to vent. I think he wants to leave, too, but not badly enough to do the work. He wants me to step in and rescue him.

deeker - B's AGF knows he and I are friends. Unless she's forgotten which is entirely possible. And I live with my bf of 14 years. But she could easily take offense anyway, it's not like she thinks logically when she's hammered.

Coffeebreath - I agree, he isn't desperate enough or he'd go live with his friend in the area he doesn't like. That he could do immediately.

This really is a great forum. I printed out this whole topic and will keep it with me, for the times when B looks at me sadly and says "I wish I had a friend who'd let me crash on their couch".

fluffyflea

Then you've answered your own question. If he REALLY wanted out he wouldn't be picking and choosing.

I was in the same situation last year with a friend. And I would not offer them to come and stay. I knew the craziness that would erupt in my house and that she'd go back anyways.

JustAGirl1971

53500, it sounds like he wants a temporary solution that he can back out of later without repercussions. Crashing on a friend's sofa is just that. Signing a lease is not. He's not ready to leave her permanently. When he is, he won't be nearly so picky and he won't mind signing a lease.

readerbaby71

He's making excuses not to leave. Sounds like you don't want to get yourself embroiled in the drama, which is good. Go with your gut. Don't do it.

53500

I'm not doing it. He knows if he is *really* in an emergency situation I'd pay for a motel room. He'll have to figure it out. I would think the recurring times of sleeping in his car would be enough motivation to leave for good but so far, no.