so confusing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 6
so confusing
To start i must say i am thankful i found this site. It gives me lots of insight and information
I myself have never did any drugs and i rarely drink. I have a best friend who is an alcoholic, uses coke and now may be smoking crack.
We are close like sisters and she relies on me for a lot. I get the 2 and 4 am calls to save her from harm and i am always right there for her.
She went away to rehab for 3months and it unfortunately didnt work. Her life is very destructive and i always fear the worst. Over the last year all of this has taken a toll on me and impacted my life a lot. I have no siblings and as hard as it may be for people to believe...ilook up to my friend. I love her for who she is and although i dont agree with her choices...i cant walk away from her like people tell me to do.
She is mentally abusive to me when she is high/drunk and then the next day she apologizes and its ok for a few days. Last week she actually hit me which was a first and she wont apologize for it...which is weird because she is always remorseful.
The verbal abuse hurts me but then she apologizes and its all ok.
When she is sober...she is one of the best people....but she is rarely sober. Its very hard for me to watch. I attended therapy tonight for my 1st session, and spoke about this issue and the therapist told me to refrain from speaking to my friend. He told me i am an enabler because i am always there for her. Its all very easier said than done to just walk away from someone you love in anyway. I tell her how i feel and how it is affecting me. I tell her it causes me so much anxiety to have to see all i see and know all i know. I get many broken promises and a ton of "i love you" but i have been reading online that the words someone with an addiction speaks have little meaning behind them. Any information would be greatly appreciated.
I myself have never did any drugs and i rarely drink. I have a best friend who is an alcoholic, uses coke and now may be smoking crack.
We are close like sisters and she relies on me for a lot. I get the 2 and 4 am calls to save her from harm and i am always right there for her.
She went away to rehab for 3months and it unfortunately didnt work. Her life is very destructive and i always fear the worst. Over the last year all of this has taken a toll on me and impacted my life a lot. I have no siblings and as hard as it may be for people to believe...ilook up to my friend. I love her for who she is and although i dont agree with her choices...i cant walk away from her like people tell me to do.
She is mentally abusive to me when she is high/drunk and then the next day she apologizes and its ok for a few days. Last week she actually hit me which was a first and she wont apologize for it...which is weird because she is always remorseful.
The verbal abuse hurts me but then she apologizes and its all ok.
When she is sober...she is one of the best people....but she is rarely sober. Its very hard for me to watch. I attended therapy tonight for my 1st session, and spoke about this issue and the therapist told me to refrain from speaking to my friend. He told me i am an enabler because i am always there for her. Its all very easier said than done to just walk away from someone you love in anyway. I tell her how i feel and how it is affecting me. I tell her it causes me so much anxiety to have to see all i see and know all i know. I get many broken promises and a ton of "i love you" but i have been reading online that the words someone with an addiction speaks have little meaning behind them. Any information would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Time to step away and take care of yourself.
You shouldn't allow her to treat you so unkindly.
Hitting someone is never OK.
If she is using more, this will get worse.
Please read the stickys on the the top of the page and learn more.
Take care and welcome to SR
You shouldn't allow her to treat you so unkindly.
Hitting someone is never OK.
If she is using more, this will get worse.
Please read the stickys on the the top of the page and learn more.
Take care and welcome to SR
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Newyorker, it sounds like the abuse is escalating from verbal to physical. It's especially disturbing that she won't apologise.
Try to differentiate between whether you're enabling her or supporting her. The 2 and 4am calls might make you feel needed, but rescuing her is not your role. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions.
This can be a test of your friendship. If you set a boundary that you won't listen to abuse and you won't rescue her, is there anything left? You have been dear friends, but addiction takes away the ability of the sufferer to have normal healthy relationships.
Try to differentiate between whether you're enabling her or supporting her. The 2 and 4am calls might make you feel needed, but rescuing her is not your role. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions.
This can be a test of your friendship. If you set a boundary that you won't listen to abuse and you won't rescue her, is there anything left? You have been dear friends, but addiction takes away the ability of the sufferer to have normal healthy relationships.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Keep going to your therapist. Sadly your friend is rarely sober, so she has few opportunities to be a true friend to you. What are you really getting from this relationship?
Who paid for 3 month rehab? Likely this person also is an enabler and shares many of your frustrations.
Welcome to SR.
Who paid for 3 month rehab? Likely this person also is an enabler and shares many of your frustrations.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If you choose not to step back and allow her the consequences, be prepared for more of the same unacceptable actions.
I realize you love and care for your friend, but honey, YOU cannot help her. You simply are NOT that powerful. Addiction will win, EVERYTIME.
Currently, she is spiraling out of control, best I can offer, GET OUT OF THE WAY!
If you continue to run into that burning building, in attempt to save her, sooner or later the walls are going to come tumbling down around you.
Please, educate yourself, the facts of this horrific disease are alarming.
Lots of factual info and support here at SR. Hope you have the opportunity to read around the site.
I realize you love and care for your friend, but honey, YOU cannot help her. You simply are NOT that powerful. Addiction will win, EVERYTIME.
Currently, she is spiraling out of control, best I can offer, GET OUT OF THE WAY!
If you continue to run into that burning building, in attempt to save her, sooner or later the walls are going to come tumbling down around you.
Please, educate yourself, the facts of this horrific disease are alarming.
Lots of factual info and support here at SR. Hope you have the opportunity to read around the site.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by NewYorker14 
I get many broken promises and a ton of "i love you" but i have been reading online that the words someone with an addiction speaks have little meaning behind them.
When someone shows you who they are -- no matter what they say -- believe them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 6
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am hoping i am replying correctly. Oddly enough my friend is a teacher with her masters...so her coverage paid for her stay at rehab.
She isnt a very effectove teacher because she is out of work more than she is in.
Everyone i meet gives me the same advice and i know its all good advice and i know i should step away. I do not deel that she makes enough of an attempt to keep this friendship going. Yes i feel good that i am the one she calls because i am sober and i am there for her but she is rarely ever there for me. Instead she buys gifts to compensate for her lack of being a friend.
I have had family members with the disease of addiction but they were uncles and i was much younger...too young to understand. Now i am older and still confused but share a close friendship or so i think?
i read up on the disease and find some sites say they dont mean what they say when they are drinking or getting high....but the words hurt. They play over and over in your mind. I feel his need to tell her exactly how she makes me feel and how much it hurts me to see her like this but i know it wont change the situation. She likes what she does.
I very much appreciate everyones responses.
She isnt a very effectove teacher because she is out of work more than she is in.
Everyone i meet gives me the same advice and i know its all good advice and i know i should step away. I do not deel that she makes enough of an attempt to keep this friendship going. Yes i feel good that i am the one she calls because i am sober and i am there for her but she is rarely ever there for me. Instead she buys gifts to compensate for her lack of being a friend.
I have had family members with the disease of addiction but they were uncles and i was much younger...too young to understand. Now i am older and still confused but share a close friendship or so i think?
i read up on the disease and find some sites say they dont mean what they say when they are drinking or getting high....but the words hurt. They play over and over in your mind. I feel his need to tell her exactly how she makes me feel and how much it hurts me to see her like this but i know it wont change the situation. She likes what she does.
I very much appreciate everyones responses.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Friendship, " A relationship of mutual affection and goodwill."
Are you currently seeing this in your situation?
Just because they do not "mean what they say and do" while under the influence does not make it acceptable.
In time, you will see, the wonderful, sober person, and the vicious, out of control addict, are the exact same person.
Unfortunately, as the addiction progresses, you will see less and less of the wonderful friend.
Are you currently seeing this in your situation?
Just because they do not "mean what they say and do" while under the influence does not make it acceptable.
In time, you will see, the wonderful, sober person, and the vicious, out of control addict, are the exact same person.
Unfortunately, as the addiction progresses, you will see less and less of the wonderful friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
.i cant walk away from her like people tell me to do.
She is mentally abusive to me when she is high/drunk and then the next day she apologizes and its ok for a few days. Last week she actually hit me which was a first and she wont apologize for it.
She is mentally abusive to me when she is high/drunk and then the next day she apologizes and its ok for a few days. Last week she actually hit me which was a first and she wont apologize for it.
Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Or, as the saying goes -- "with friends like her, who needs enemies?"
Why do you think it's OK for her to treat you like dirt?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 6
You're all so right. I do not deserve to be treated so badly whether sober or under the influence. Especially when i do so much. I am pinning no medals on my chest but i am a great friend to her. She tells me how lucky she is to have me in her life and how great i am which is always confusing because days later the negative words come. The pictures in my mind never go away. I am 29 but in my mind i often feel like a child because i am watching someone i love kill themselves and it is so heartbreaking for me. My friend is 32 so she takes the place of an older sister to me which i dont have but these problems are taking over and causing me to lose focus of myself. You become so involved and yoir thoughts run wild. I have seen her beaten up, laying in hospital beds because she was beaten up, i have picked her up from houses and bars where she was too drunk and high to drivr and id bring her home safely but i never feel the mutual friendship and i guess i allow her to not be mutual in this friendship...i guess because i try to understand that the addiction has a greater hold on her. Its very tough to love an addict.
For today i will take small steps and i will not text or call her.
Marie you are so right...at one time the friendship was at least enjoyable....now we spend less and less time together because i dont do what she does and because she cant function very long without these substances in het body.
For today i will take small steps and i will not text or call her.
Marie you are so right...at one time the friendship was at least enjoyable....now we spend less and less time together because i dont do what she does and because she cant function very long without these substances in het body.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Please read the sticky's and really consider your role in her addiction. She leans on you whenever she get's in trouble. She relies on you to get her out of bad situations. She know's you are there for her in the middle of the night. She takes advantage of your love for her, REPEATEDLY, and you keep coming back for more.
This is NOT a healthy friendship and thinking it will improve is not logical. She is an ADDICT and ADDICT'S use whomever they can to continue being an ADDICT!
Please consider the impact this is having on YOU. This situation is not healthy for YOU and it will only get worse. You cannot change her and You are not responsible for her behavior.
You did not cause this. You cant change this. You cannot control this.
Going no contact for today is a good start but PLEASE put yourself first and consider the effect's of continuing down this road. I'm sorry if this hurts but...
YES, YOU ARE ENABLING HER!
This is NOT a healthy friendship and thinking it will improve is not logical. She is an ADDICT and ADDICT'S use whomever they can to continue being an ADDICT!
Please consider the impact this is having on YOU. This situation is not healthy for YOU and it will only get worse. You cannot change her and You are not responsible for her behavior.
You did not cause this. You cant change this. You cannot control this.
Going no contact for today is a good start but PLEASE put yourself first and consider the effect's of continuing down this road. I'm sorry if this hurts but...
YES, YOU ARE ENABLING HER!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 6
Hope4life....thank you for your response. I dont mean to sound clueless but what are stickys? Sorry i am new to the site
You are right, it feels like i am a person who picks up the pieces of her mess rather than a friend she appreciates. I understand what you are saying about addicts using people. Maybe they dont mean it or maybe they do but either way...it happens.
Its just so confusing. Id love to just snap my fingers and make it ok but you are right i didnt cause the asdiction nor can i help it at this point, especially when she does not want to get help. She has been doing srugs since she is 15 and she always told me it helps with the pain. She comes from a good family but her nrother was an addict who unfortunately passed away. She went away to rehab and said it was such a horrible experience. I wrote to her every day and sent her all types of stuff she wanted in rehab and honestly she was so mean to me always yelling if i sent her something wrong and i guess i made excusesfor her and just said well she misses home and shes unhappy there but meanwhile i was the only one doing for her and she always called me for shampoo...mousse...ya know things like that .
Maybe if she ever gets help she will see things clearly and appreciate good people. Her sisters tell me i am her only good and sober friend through out her life.
She has told me with her own mouth as well and that she feels she dont know how to be a friend.
Life is no picnic for anyone...if only it were simple.
Thanks again for the supporting words and kindness.
You are right, it feels like i am a person who picks up the pieces of her mess rather than a friend she appreciates. I understand what you are saying about addicts using people. Maybe they dont mean it or maybe they do but either way...it happens.
Its just so confusing. Id love to just snap my fingers and make it ok but you are right i didnt cause the asdiction nor can i help it at this point, especially when she does not want to get help. She has been doing srugs since she is 15 and she always told me it helps with the pain. She comes from a good family but her nrother was an addict who unfortunately passed away. She went away to rehab and said it was such a horrible experience. I wrote to her every day and sent her all types of stuff she wanted in rehab and honestly she was so mean to me always yelling if i sent her something wrong and i guess i made excusesfor her and just said well she misses home and shes unhappy there but meanwhile i was the only one doing for her and she always called me for shampoo...mousse...ya know things like that .
Maybe if she ever gets help she will see things clearly and appreciate good people. Her sisters tell me i am her only good and sober friend through out her life.
She has told me with her own mouth as well and that she feels she dont know how to be a friend.
Life is no picnic for anyone...if only it were simple.
Thanks again for the supporting words and kindness.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
At the top of each forum page you will find 'Sticky's' relating to that page. They contain a lot of useful information. 'What abuse is' will be particularly useful in your situation.
If you scroll all the way up to the top of this page and click on 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics', you will see them ahead of all the other post's.
If you scroll all the way up to the top of this page and click on 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics', you will see them ahead of all the other post's.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you seem to have a VERY strong need to be needed, to be the ONE who gets the call, throws on the cape, and flies off to rescue. you've made this person your idol, your sister, and the object of affection bordering on obsession. stepping back would help you see that she is just a faulty human being, and not even a very nice one at that!
being hit is your SIGN it's time to go. cuz if she hits you and you keep coming around, your actions say that it's OK for her to do that. and she'll do it again. especially if her crack addiction escalates, which it will.
so no more rescue missions. no more taking calls at 2am. no more bail outs. no more rides. no more money. that's not how we treat friends, or keep them.
being hit is your SIGN it's time to go. cuz if she hits you and you keep coming around, your actions say that it's OK for her to do that. and she'll do it again. especially if her crack addiction escalates, which it will.
so no more rescue missions. no more taking calls at 2am. no more bail outs. no more rides. no more money. that's not how we treat friends, or keep them.
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