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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 33
???????????
Been a while since I posted. Been on a small roller coaster of emotion lately...and to tell you the truth....I'm not sure that it isn't me that has a problem right now.
AH has been pretty even on only having a few(maybe 3-4) during the day while I am gone and then hurrying to "sober" up by the time I'm home in the evening. We have been having good weekends with no drinking and actually fairly decent nights during the week with only the occasional "quiet" moment where I'm in my head and he sits next to me in his head.
Yesterday we talked a little about finances and what we might need for the future and if he should attempt to go back to work to stop the financial "bleeding" as he puts it. I was automatically on guard and felt like he was accusing me of not telling him the truth about our finances.
We ended up in a teary discussion where I said that if he went back to work traveling like before...I don't know if "we" will survive it again because he would become the stumbling, bumbling drunk that he was then.
That ended the conversation and then it was all stiff and awkward between us for the rest of the lunch hour.
I came home and kissed him and he immediately searched my face for a reaction. Im guessing to judge me if I felt like he had drank just by the taste of his lips. Needless to say, the rest of the evening sucked. Quiet, alone feeling etc.
Why do I automatically jump to conclusions? Why am I so always "on guard"? Why do I assume that he is in the wrong? Why am I even this way now? I never used to be so insecure.
Am I letting the years of his travel, separation, him being falling down drunk, the years of feeling alone even by his side, dictate my every thought and emotion? Am I the one with the problem?
And worse...because Im even thinking this....does that make me the one that causes him to drink some days just to escape my emotions?
Cant cuss....but I want to.
I think I better do some soul searching.....
AH has been pretty even on only having a few(maybe 3-4) during the day while I am gone and then hurrying to "sober" up by the time I'm home in the evening. We have been having good weekends with no drinking and actually fairly decent nights during the week with only the occasional "quiet" moment where I'm in my head and he sits next to me in his head.
Yesterday we talked a little about finances and what we might need for the future and if he should attempt to go back to work to stop the financial "bleeding" as he puts it. I was automatically on guard and felt like he was accusing me of not telling him the truth about our finances.
We ended up in a teary discussion where I said that if he went back to work traveling like before...I don't know if "we" will survive it again because he would become the stumbling, bumbling drunk that he was then.
That ended the conversation and then it was all stiff and awkward between us for the rest of the lunch hour.
I came home and kissed him and he immediately searched my face for a reaction. Im guessing to judge me if I felt like he had drank just by the taste of his lips. Needless to say, the rest of the evening sucked. Quiet, alone feeling etc.
Why do I automatically jump to conclusions? Why am I so always "on guard"? Why do I assume that he is in the wrong? Why am I even this way now? I never used to be so insecure.
Am I letting the years of his travel, separation, him being falling down drunk, the years of feeling alone even by his side, dictate my every thought and emotion? Am I the one with the problem?
And worse...because Im even thinking this....does that make me the one that causes him to drink some days just to escape my emotions?
Cant cuss....but I want to.
I think I better do some soul searching.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Copperducky,
What do you want from him? He drinks, he will not be stopping anytime soon, right? You know this. So, what do you want from him?
He mentioned going back to work, I assume his job involved traveling from what you write. But, you don't want him traveling because he might drink? Maybe he wants to go back to work so that he can drink without your watchful eye...? If you guys need money, can you work to make the money needed, if you don't want him to work?
I can see the confusion and frustration in your writing. You want him not to drink and to make money. But, he does drink and working means traveling and more drinking. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself. What can YOU do to alleviate your situation?
What do you want from him? He drinks, he will not be stopping anytime soon, right? You know this. So, what do you want from him?
He mentioned going back to work, I assume his job involved traveling from what you write. But, you don't want him traveling because he might drink? Maybe he wants to go back to work so that he can drink without your watchful eye...? If you guys need money, can you work to make the money needed, if you don't want him to work?
I can see the confusion and frustration in your writing. You want him not to drink and to make money. But, he does drink and working means traveling and more drinking. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself. What can YOU do to alleviate your situation?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The reality is, you cannot keep him at home just so he will drink less. It is not good either for a man not to be contributing to the household. You cannot hold him together by threads.
You have to let the addict go through their own recovery. You have to prepare yourself and do things for you, and that includes not being the sole emoational and financial supporter.
I understand the kiss. My AH has a certain pucker and I can see him take in a big breath when he has been drinking before he kisses me. I don't really kiss him anymore but that is how it always went. Then he would look at me and say, "What"? As if I am completely stupid. Whatever.
I am sorry. I know it is hard. You have to focus on yourself and your own healing too.
You have to let the addict go through their own recovery. You have to prepare yourself and do things for you, and that includes not being the sole emoational and financial supporter.
I understand the kiss. My AH has a certain pucker and I can see him take in a big breath when he has been drinking before he kisses me. I don't really kiss him anymore but that is how it always went. Then he would look at me and say, "What"? As if I am completely stupid. Whatever.
I am sorry. I know it is hard. You have to focus on yourself and your own healing too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I think you are in a tough place right now. Your husband is not committing to sobriety, he is only trying to control his drinking.
You in no way cause him to drink. He drinks because he has an addiction. You don't make him drink and you can't make him stop.
A couple things I learned: Its a family disease. The spouse becomes as obsessed with the alcoholic as the alcoholic is with the booze. What can you do to make yourself feel better right now? It could be anything from taking a bath to going to a counselor. Its very hard but try to start caring for yourself. Being on that emotional roller coaster can make you sick.
The other thing is alcoholism is far more than just drinking. You may feel "on guard" because drinking robs a person of their ability to be honest and trustworthy.
Trying to control his work does not guarantee he will not still become a bumbling falling down drunk again. Alcoholism is progressive. The drinker likes to make us think its the job, or the kids, or the weather, or the spouse that makes them drink. An alcoholic wants to dump the responsibilty for their drinking on someone or something else. This way they do not have to look at themselves and make any changes. If he has you believing you cause the drinking then you are so busy looking for ways to stop the drinking that he doesn't have to face his problem. And what happens is you do get sick, physically and emotionally.
I wish there were easy answers.
You in no way cause him to drink. He drinks because he has an addiction. You don't make him drink and you can't make him stop.
A couple things I learned: Its a family disease. The spouse becomes as obsessed with the alcoholic as the alcoholic is with the booze. What can you do to make yourself feel better right now? It could be anything from taking a bath to going to a counselor. Its very hard but try to start caring for yourself. Being on that emotional roller coaster can make you sick.
The other thing is alcoholism is far more than just drinking. You may feel "on guard" because drinking robs a person of their ability to be honest and trustworthy.
Trying to control his work does not guarantee he will not still become a bumbling falling down drunk again. Alcoholism is progressive. The drinker likes to make us think its the job, or the kids, or the weather, or the spouse that makes them drink. An alcoholic wants to dump the responsibilty for their drinking on someone or something else. This way they do not have to look at themselves and make any changes. If he has you believing you cause the drinking then you are so busy looking for ways to stop the drinking that he doesn't have to face his problem. And what happens is you do get sick, physically and emotionally.
I wish there were easy answers.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
copperducky---I don't know if he is any kind of program....but, I'm assuming not---like he is trying hard to "white knuckle" it in order to cut down enough to satisfy you. To get you off his case.
I am further guessing that the reason that you feel so discombobulated inside is that you want so desperately for him to be "cured" and, yet, you know that he will quickly slide back to the same pattern before. I also feel like you are correct in that assumption.
The alcoholic's most desperate wish is to be able to do controlled drinking like non-alcoholics are able to do. That way, they don't have to give up their most important coping device--alcohol. To give up alcohol completely feels like death to the alcoholic. Most alcoholics only consider real sobriety when the pain of drinking becomes worse than the anticipated pain of giving up their best friend---alcohol.
I know you are desperate to keep the relationship....but, I feel that your fears are real.
Don't blame yourself---learn more about this disease and find out how to protect yourself. Alanon would be a good support for you, right now.
dandylion
I am further guessing that the reason that you feel so discombobulated inside is that you want so desperately for him to be "cured" and, yet, you know that he will quickly slide back to the same pattern before. I also feel like you are correct in that assumption.
The alcoholic's most desperate wish is to be able to do controlled drinking like non-alcoholics are able to do. That way, they don't have to give up their most important coping device--alcohol. To give up alcohol completely feels like death to the alcoholic. Most alcoholics only consider real sobriety when the pain of drinking becomes worse than the anticipated pain of giving up their best friend---alcohol.
I know you are desperate to keep the relationship....but, I feel that your fears are real.
Don't blame yourself---learn more about this disease and find out how to protect yourself. Alanon would be a good support for you, right now.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Montana
Posts: 33
Well, thank you all for reminding me that I do need some work.
AH traveled for 20 of our 25 years of marriage. He put in for his retirement with his local union 2 years ago and last year completely retired...though he is only 57. He will soon be pulling both his pensions (local union and national union) So, financially we just need to pay a few things off. We had planned for him to retire at 60 but the drinking got so bad that he had a DUI in another state. I'm for sure that he thought he could quit working and come home and the drinking would be OK.
Guess in hindsight I did too. I work daily 9-5 in town (about 12 miles away), so we both contribute...just that his leaving "early" left us about 3 years behind in being financially complete.
Putting that aside...I am definitely seeing that my desire to have him "cured" as you all put it is one of my issues. I thank you all for helping me to see that I cannot control it and it will be what it will be. I guess I just want my old hubby back.....I'm so in love that it now hurts.
AH traveled for 20 of our 25 years of marriage. He put in for his retirement with his local union 2 years ago and last year completely retired...though he is only 57. He will soon be pulling both his pensions (local union and national union) So, financially we just need to pay a few things off. We had planned for him to retire at 60 but the drinking got so bad that he had a DUI in another state. I'm for sure that he thought he could quit working and come home and the drinking would be OK.
Guess in hindsight I did too. I work daily 9-5 in town (about 12 miles away), so we both contribute...just that his leaving "early" left us about 3 years behind in being financially complete.
Putting that aside...I am definitely seeing that my desire to have him "cured" as you all put it is one of my issues. I thank you all for helping me to see that I cannot control it and it will be what it will be. I guess I just want my old hubby back.....I'm so in love that it now hurts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Why do I automatically jump to conclusions? Why am I so always "on guard"? Why do I assume that he is in the wrong? Why am I even this way now? I never used to be so insecure.
I read in the books "Getting them Sober" that if you repetedly strike a puppy, that it will flinch when you raise your hand to pat it.
I read in the books "Getting them Sober" that if you repetedly strike a puppy, that it will flinch when you raise your hand to pat it.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
You feel this way because the man you're married to is an alcoholic and in turn, you've developed co-dependent reactions. I cannot say this often enough: a lot of very good people are alcoholics and addicts. You are not alone. It's okay to go to local meetings, or go further away if you like, or even get individual counseling from those who specialize in addictions. Help is needed for each of you in order to recover from this. Two of the symptoms of alcoholism is denying there is a problem and then thinking they can fix it on their own. Ironically, those symptoms also apply to codependency.
The recovery of the alcoholic and codependent often happen on completely different timelines. As frustrating as that is, each person can only work on their own recovery and not for someone else. I've been thinking of you. (((((hugs))))
The recovery of the alcoholic and codependent often happen on completely different timelines. As frustrating as that is, each person can only work on their own recovery and not for someone else. I've been thinking of you. (((((hugs))))
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