Not trusting my XABF
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ca
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Not trusting my XABF
Hello,
It's hard to trust anything my XABF says anymore. I honestly don't trust him. He tells me he is fine and feels good from being sober. We have a son who will be 2 in 2 days and doesn't talk yet. Honestly I worry for my son every time he is with his father. I may be over protective, I guess.
Honestly I don't know if he has relapsed. I've ask him before if he did relapse, will he tell me? He said he wouldn't know. He is no longer going or getting support other than from his mom and new friends (22-24 years old). He says he doesn't need any of that because he has all the support he needs. He will be moving into a new party house next month as well. He treats me with absolutely no respect and calls me drama. At times I think he believes I fall for all his sweet talking until I tell him no. Then all hell breaks loose. I really believe he thinks I believe all that he tells me. Honestly I don't believe a word he says anymore. I absolutely lost all trust in him and it's not even worth telling him. He's very selfish and can't even see it.
At times I feel like I should give him the benefit of a doubt and then again I don't want to get caught up in another lie.
It's hard to trust anything my XABF says anymore. I honestly don't trust him. He tells me he is fine and feels good from being sober. We have a son who will be 2 in 2 days and doesn't talk yet. Honestly I worry for my son every time he is with his father. I may be over protective, I guess.
Honestly I don't know if he has relapsed. I've ask him before if he did relapse, will he tell me? He said he wouldn't know. He is no longer going or getting support other than from his mom and new friends (22-24 years old). He says he doesn't need any of that because he has all the support he needs. He will be moving into a new party house next month as well. He treats me with absolutely no respect and calls me drama. At times I think he believes I fall for all his sweet talking until I tell him no. Then all hell breaks loose. I really believe he thinks I believe all that he tells me. Honestly I don't believe a word he says anymore. I absolutely lost all trust in him and it's not even worth telling him. He's very selfish and can't even see it.
At times I feel like I should give him the benefit of a doubt and then again I don't want to get caught up in another lie.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Yup, I get it. My AH lied to me Saturday. I know it and he knows it. What's the point in even talking about it. He would do the same thing again and likely will. I usto worry myself to death about it. Now I accept it for what it is, and am trying to find what boundaries I want in place for me. I expect absolutely nothing from him.
I know it's a dreary outlook, but it I can control myself and my actions, so why not put my work into me, the one person I can control?
God Bless.
I know it's a dreary outlook, but it I can control myself and my actions, so why not put my work into me, the one person I can control?
God Bless.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Yea I guess I worry more for my son since he doesn't talk yet. Like right now he told me he goes to meeting sometimes. Now that is a lie. It's like he covers lies with more lies.
The best one is when I reply back to him and say I don't want to argue. He's quick to be like it's sad that u don't even know what your doing and threatens me that I'm getting him upset.
The best one is when I reply back to him and say I don't want to argue. He's quick to be like it's sad that u don't even know what your doing and threatens me that I'm getting him upset.
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Yes, the worry for your son is real and I understand. Wish I knew all the answers but I don't. One thing I do know however is that if I confront my AH that I know he had a drink on Sat, he will deny it and did so. I very calmly said ok and let it go. I could confront him and say I know and eventually he would end up fessing up. It would get ugly and produce absolutely no results.
I was not home, the kids were with me, we were all safe and well so I let it go. Not because I don't care, it actually pi$$es me off something terrible, but because I know that for now, this second, there is nothing I can do about it.
I will say the #1 most important thing is keeping your children safe in whatever manner you have to do it.
God Bless.
I was not home, the kids were with me, we were all safe and well so I let it go. Not because I don't care, it actually pi$$es me off something terrible, but because I know that for now, this second, there is nothing I can do about it.
I will say the #1 most important thing is keeping your children safe in whatever manner you have to do it.
God Bless.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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few questions....how much access does your XABF have with the child - and are these supervised or unsupervised visits? are these visits court mandated or at his whim?
and more importantly, have you discussed your son's lack of verbal communication with your pediatrician?
and more importantly, have you discussed your son's lack of verbal communication with your pediatrician?
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I would encourage you to get a court to formally settle visitation and child support. Given that he's non-verbal, he needs more protection than even your average 2-year-old.
One of my kids was also very late speaking, and now you can not shut her up, so it may be completely normal, but I agree with Anvil that I would want a pediatrician to evaluate him.
One of my kids was also very late speaking, and now you can not shut her up, so it may be completely normal, but I agree with Anvil that I would want a pediatrician to evaluate him.
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Yes our son is currently in speech therapy once a week for the past 5 months.
The visitation are not court ordered and unsupervised. He sees his son almost every day. I am in the process of going to court for child support and settling visitations. He only sees his son for about 3 or 4 hours a day if that.
The visitation are not court ordered and unsupervised. He sees his son almost every day. I am in the process of going to court for child support and settling visitations. He only sees his son for about 3 or 4 hours a day if that.
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Update:
I will be filing tomorrow and got all my stuff out of his house today. I was told not to let him see my son until we go to court by my legal rep. I'm really nervous to how he is going to react to everything.
I will be filing tomorrow and got all my stuff out of his house today. I was told not to let him see my son until we go to court by my legal rep. I'm really nervous to how he is going to react to everything.
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Christina,
Keep a journal of any evidence that you have that your X is endangering your child, actively drinking, disparaging you, etc. You want to be able to show the court why you are concerned. Even better would be for you to ask for a guardian ad litem another type of advocate for your child. The advocate would write reports for the court to let them know their neutral, professional opinion. This would also allow you to take the focus off of your X and to focus on your own relationship with your child and yourself. Ask your legal rep.
I am in the same boat with going to court and trying to get supervised visits for my 22 month old.
I also don't trust my X at all. I try to be open-minded, but mostly I just expect him to lie and keep drinking.
It might be good to limit your conversations to only things that have to do with your child. Your X will be angry, but you can learn not to engage with him when he gets that way.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Al-anon can help you learn how to respond in ways that are healthy for you.
Good luck and let us know how things unfold.
Keep a journal of any evidence that you have that your X is endangering your child, actively drinking, disparaging you, etc. You want to be able to show the court why you are concerned. Even better would be for you to ask for a guardian ad litem another type of advocate for your child. The advocate would write reports for the court to let them know their neutral, professional opinion. This would also allow you to take the focus off of your X and to focus on your own relationship with your child and yourself. Ask your legal rep.
I am in the same boat with going to court and trying to get supervised visits for my 22 month old.
I also don't trust my X at all. I try to be open-minded, but mostly I just expect him to lie and keep drinking.
It might be good to limit your conversations to only things that have to do with your child. Your X will be angry, but you can learn not to engage with him when he gets that way.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Al-anon can help you learn how to respond in ways that are healthy for you.
Good luck and let us know how things unfold.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Hi Lightinside,
Yes I do keep a log of everything that my X does. I also try to be opened minded but of course I catch him in lies. I don’t even call him out on them anymore. I just let them be.
Yesterday, my X told me he didn’t have time to see his son since he has a basketball game. I ask him you are not seeing your son since you have basketball? Keep in mind he is a 30 year old man. After that my X started giving me a hard time and texting me all the way till 11pm. He was ranting about I don’t let him take care of his son, how difficult I am, and how I am a negative person. It’s frustrating that he is like that we me. This is an example; I do now trust him especially with my son. But he claims to be in a better place now.
So today for the first time, I made a decision not to let my X see the baby. His mood swings with me, do not make me comfortable leaving the baby with my X. I did feel bad but I feel like I was left with no choice. It has been 5 months of this and I am just tired of it.
Yes I do keep a log of everything that my X does. I also try to be opened minded but of course I catch him in lies. I don’t even call him out on them anymore. I just let them be.
Yesterday, my X told me he didn’t have time to see his son since he has a basketball game. I ask him you are not seeing your son since you have basketball? Keep in mind he is a 30 year old man. After that my X started giving me a hard time and texting me all the way till 11pm. He was ranting about I don’t let him take care of his son, how difficult I am, and how I am a negative person. It’s frustrating that he is like that we me. This is an example; I do now trust him especially with my son. But he claims to be in a better place now.
So today for the first time, I made a decision not to let my X see the baby. His mood swings with me, do not make me comfortable leaving the baby with my X. I did feel bad but I feel like I was left with no choice. It has been 5 months of this and I am just tired of it.
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I have to warn you, the courts likely will let him see the baby. Unless you can prove he is using, the courts don't usually take much weight with being rude to each other or moodt and disrespectful with each other. They are going to care about the wellbeing of the child and if he is at risk when spending time with his father. If you are going to say he is (and I believe you, just trying to prepare you), be prepared to prove it.
The courts see alot of people throw around accusations so in reaction to that, children of addict parents are often lost in the system. The "system" has failed. In this state, they will say that you are not allowed to drink 12 hours before you see your kids. Well good luck with proving that. And, even if you are an addict, if you can show you are working on recovery in any way, you will get time with your kids. This puts them at risk and is a complete failure of the system for our children. I am disgusted with all of it.
I can tell you I have a friend who has it in her parenting plan that she has to meet her XAH at the police station and if she suspects he has been drinking at all can force him to go inside and take a breathalizer before he can take her. However, once he does and it's clean, it is out of her hands. The rest of the weekend he can do what he wants unless she can catch him breaking the law in some way.
I have another friend who if her daughter refuses to go with her XAH she has a journal and journals why she did not want to go. For example, evident XAH had been drinking. Speaking inappropriately and scaring daughter to point she feared for her wellbeing if she went w/him. All examples are tied to the child, not to her. He would have to take her back to court to do anything about this, which is not likely. If so, she will be prepared with her journal of why she did not send her daughter each and every time.
She said while she cannot control his behavior while her daughter is there, this is something she can control and does. Does it keep her daughter 100% safe? Nope. But it does help.
It is alot more critical b/c your son is so young. Again, not trying to play devils advocate here, just trying to let you see how it is alot of times in the court system. It really is all about the judge. I hope you get a good one. Where I live it's the good ol boys system and it really stinks.
Good Luck and God Bless. Keep us posted!
The courts see alot of people throw around accusations so in reaction to that, children of addict parents are often lost in the system. The "system" has failed. In this state, they will say that you are not allowed to drink 12 hours before you see your kids. Well good luck with proving that. And, even if you are an addict, if you can show you are working on recovery in any way, you will get time with your kids. This puts them at risk and is a complete failure of the system for our children. I am disgusted with all of it.
I can tell you I have a friend who has it in her parenting plan that she has to meet her XAH at the police station and if she suspects he has been drinking at all can force him to go inside and take a breathalizer before he can take her. However, once he does and it's clean, it is out of her hands. The rest of the weekend he can do what he wants unless she can catch him breaking the law in some way.
I have another friend who if her daughter refuses to go with her XAH she has a journal and journals why she did not want to go. For example, evident XAH had been drinking. Speaking inappropriately and scaring daughter to point she feared for her wellbeing if she went w/him. All examples are tied to the child, not to her. He would have to take her back to court to do anything about this, which is not likely. If so, she will be prepared with her journal of why she did not send her daughter each and every time.
She said while she cannot control his behavior while her daughter is there, this is something she can control and does. Does it keep her daughter 100% safe? Nope. But it does help.
It is alot more critical b/c your son is so young. Again, not trying to play devils advocate here, just trying to let you see how it is alot of times in the court system. It really is all about the judge. I hope you get a good one. Where I live it's the good ol boys system and it really stinks.
Good Luck and God Bless. Keep us posted!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Hi Hopeful,
Yes I know all about the court system. I don't mind my son seeing his father but it has to be in a clean environment. All he had to do is clean up the house and I would have let him have our son. But I haven't heard from him at all. My XABF will be moving into a party house with 5 other roommates. I would like to request supervised visits and no over nights. I'm just tired of working around my XABF basketball schedule. I had only agreed to work around his recovery program meetings. But he gave that up about 2 months ago. That's when everything went bad. When I ask him to make a schedule to pick up and drop off our son. It gets ugly. I feel like it's best for the courts to get involved now.
Yes I know all about the court system. I don't mind my son seeing his father but it has to be in a clean environment. All he had to do is clean up the house and I would have let him have our son. But I haven't heard from him at all. My XABF will be moving into a party house with 5 other roommates. I would like to request supervised visits and no over nights. I'm just tired of working around my XABF basketball schedule. I had only agreed to work around his recovery program meetings. But he gave that up about 2 months ago. That's when everything went bad. When I ask him to make a schedule to pick up and drop off our son. It gets ugly. I feel like it's best for the courts to get involved now.
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Thanks Hopeful!!
Yes 5 roommates!!! My main concern is our son. He will continue to call me names and blame me for everything. It doesn't bother me anymore since I no longer allow myself to be his punching bag.
Yes 5 roommates!!! My main concern is our son. He will continue to call me names and blame me for everything. It doesn't bother me anymore since I no longer allow myself to be his punching bag.
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Join Date: May 2010
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One can only hope that since you are wise enough not to react that he will let it go eventually, just like a bully. As your son grows he will see who's actions match up with their words, children are much better at this than adults. Any chance you could speak with any of the roommates about your concerns? I know that is a long shot, but I also know that people are often advocates for children that you find in the oddest places.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Originally Posted by christinastar10 
Thanks Hopeful!!
Yes 5 roommates!!! My main concern is our son. He will continue to call me names and blame me for everything. It doesn't bother me anymore since I no longer allow myself to be his punching bag.
Yes 5 roommates!!! My main concern is our son. He will continue to call me names and blame me for everything. It doesn't bother me anymore since I no longer allow myself to be his punching bag.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 201
Hi Hopeful,
I only know 1 roommate and have no way of contacting him. The other 4 my xabf doesn't even know who they are.
My xabf just text me. Why am I using his son to try to hurt him? ...I'm not trying to hurt him at all. It may seem like that to some but I'm not. I'm trying to protect my son.
I only know 1 roommate and have no way of contacting him. The other 4 my xabf doesn't even know who they are.
My xabf just text me. Why am I using his son to try to hurt him? ...I'm not trying to hurt him at all. It may seem like that to some but I'm not. I'm trying to protect my son.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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interesting....he couldn't see his son because of BASKETBALL but somehow found the time to text you til 11pm? dude is just not in his right mind. let him blab and spew and wail....stick to your guns. if he cannot comply with simple boundaries, then it's not really about his SON , it's about what is convenient for HIM.
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